How to Deal With Difficult People. Ursula Markham

are entitled to change your mind.

       If your change of mind involves other people, you will do them the courtesy of informing them rather than leaving them to find out at some later date.

       You are entitled to privacy.Everyone needs a certain amount of time and space alone, whatever his circumstances. Unfortunately it is often taken as a sign that you are unhappy with those around you. As an assertive person you will offer reassurance and explain that no such inference is intended. Of course, you will also remember that those around you are entitled to some privacy, too, and will not take offence if they express a desire to be alone at times.

       You are entitled to achieve.If you have ideas, a positive attitude and energy, by all means combine them and achieve all you can. Provided you have not taken unfair advantage of others you should feel proud of what you have done.

       You are entitled to alter yourself in any way you choose – granting the same right to other people.

      Think back over your recent past and see if you can remember a way in which you have abused your own rights. Perhaps you can say ‘I never have a moment to myself or ‘I get drawn into other people’s quarrels.’ Be aware of your reactions to others, remember your rights and decide how you will do things differently in the future.

      Becoming assertive is more than just a way of dealing with difficult people or of coping with awkward situations. It is a means of making personal progress. Whether you think that this life is all that counts or whether you believe that what we do is part of a longer and deeper evolution, personal development is essential if you are to achieve in any real sense. It is up to you to decide what you want – from a particular situation or from life in general – and then set goals and work towards them. Don’t worry if success seems a little elusive at times; even slow progress is positive progress.

      A non-assertive person lets life happen to him. He sits back and waits to see what occurs. An assertive person decides what he wants and sets out on the path to it. He will take some chances and make some mistakes. He will learn from his errors, picking himself up and trying again. While it may be true that if you never join in a game (i.e. take chances) you never lose – you never win, either.

      Giving and Receiving Compliments

      A genuine compliment, gladly given, can give the recipient so much pleasure that it is a real pity most people find it such a difficult thing to do. Get into the habit of giving compliments – don’t save them for special occasions. Whether you are informing a business colleague that you think he has performed a task particularly well or telling your daughter you love the painting she has brought home from school, you will be bringing happiness and a sense of achievement into the other person’s life. The positive energy derived from a sense of achievement can spur a person on to even greater things in the future.

      Thinking back to the first chapter and the way so many people have been programmed to think of themselves of failures, by helping others to consider themselves achievers you may be breaking a negative mould which has been impeding their personal progress for years. And all for the sake of a sincere compliment.

      It is important, of course, that the compliments you give should be sincere. The recipient will soon see through false praise and will either doubt your honesty (and therefore lose trust in you) or think that you have some ulterior motive.

      If you are going to give compliments to other people, you also have to learn how to accept them yourself. Many people tend to think of themselves as ‘unworthy’ or to put themselves down. How many times have you heard someone respond to a compliment with some self-deprecating comment?

      ‘Your hair looks particularly nice today.’

      ‘Oh, no, it looks awful really.’

      All that is needed is a simple ‘thank you’ and a smile; then both ‘complimentor’ and ‘complimentee’ will feel satisfied.

      Making Changes

      These can be changes in your appearance, behaviour, routine, goals – or in your ideas. Circumstances, other people’s opinions and sometimes the media have all contributed to our preconceived ideas about those around us. Every young man clad in black leather and big boots is not a potential thug any more than every little old lady with silver hair is sweet-natured, but years of pigeonholing may lead us to group people together based on their outward appearance.

      If you are to be assertive, you need to make a commitment to change some part of yourself or your life. You might decide to change your style of clothes, to learn about a subject at evening classes or to alter your behaviour in particular situations. Start now by choosing some aspect of your life which you intend to change. Reinforce your commitment by writing down the details of your projected change:

       What change do I intend to make?

       What are the problems I may encounter?

       What will be the positive benefits?

       When am I going to begin?

      Communication

      An assertive person is a good communicator. Because he recognizes the importance of the other person’s opinion, he is a good listener. This involves understanding not only what is said but also all non-verbal communication (body language). He is able to begin conversations and to sustain them, speaking calmly and saying what he truly feels.

      Because communication is so vital, it is important to realize that ‘small talk’ has its place, too. We do not have to spend our entire lives discussing matters of earth-shaking significance. More trivial chat about the weather, holidays or what the children are doing is a means of forging a link between ourselves and others. People who are unable to communicate on such a level tend only to be able to ‘talk at’ rather than ‘talk to’ others. And, since no one really wants to be lectured continuously, resentment may soon grow on the part of the listener.

      Negotiation

      The ability to negotiate is an essential part of the assertive person’s repertoire. If this were a perfect world and everyone in it an assertive person, negotiating and compromise would be far more common.

      In order to negotiate in any situation it is necessary to understand the other person. After all, he has a right to his opinion just as much as you have a right to yours. If there is a clear indication of his feelings, show him that you are aware of it. You might say something like, ‘I can see that this is worrying you’ or ‘I understand your point of view’. If you are at all unsure of what his position is or how he feels, don’t be afraid to ask for an explanation.

      Whatever happens, and even if the other person loses his temper or becomes overemotional, you must remain calm. If you feel yourself growing tense, concentrate on relaxing your muscles – particularly those around your shoulders and jaw where tension is quick to build up. Breathe deeply and steadily; this will help you to remain in control.

      If you are going to negotiate you need to do so from a position of strength, so be sure that you are armed with whatever facts are necessary to back your point of view. And keep to the topic under discussion without allowing superfluous opinions or accusations to enter into the conversation. If the other person wanders off the point, gently but firmly bring him back to it.

      Eventually you may reach the stage where you feel it is appropriate to propose a compromise. This is not the same thing as capitulating or acting in a submissive way. There is little point in being stubborn just for the sake of it and you will probably find it easier than you think to reach a solution that satisfies both parties without either of you feeling that you have been forced to give in against your will.

      Handling Put-downs

      Unfortunately there are people who delight in making others feel small. While they should not