How to Deal With Difficult People. Ursula Markham

in yourself.

      All this does not mean that you have to become a ‘yes-person’ or to give in to those who are trying to influence the way you behave. It does not even mean that you are not allowed to be angry. Of course you are. Anger is a natural and often justified emotion and there is nothing wrong in feeling it; what’s important is how you deal with it and express it. There is a world of difference between flying into a screaming rage and telling the other person (in a calm, controlled manner) ‘I feel angry about that.’ The latter is the assertive way and is far more effective as your listener is more likely to take notice. If you scream and shout, he will simply scream back and in the end neither of you will take any notice of what the other is saying.

      To throw some light on how difficult people make you react as you do, try asking yourself the following questions:

      Do You Really Want to Be Controlled by Others?

      All too often that is what is happening – and the only one to suffer is you. The difficult person will carry on, happily convinced that he has won once again.

      Picture this scene: Tom is driving steadily along the main road out of town when another vehicle overtakes him on the approach to a bend and, because of oncoming traffic, is forced to cut in immediately in front of him. Tom, who has naturally had a shock, is furious. He goes scarlet with rage, bangs his steering wheel with his fist and calls the other driver every bad name he can think of. The rest of his journey is ruined because he is fuming about what happened – and what could have happened. His concentration lapses and his own driving suffers as a consequence. This makes other people sound their horns at him, which does nothing at all to improve his humour.

      No one is saying that Tom was not right to be angry. He did nothing wrong; the fault was entirely the other driver’s. And, had he not managed to cut in front of Tom’s car when he did, the situation could have been even worse due to the stream of oncoming traffic. But who was the one to suffer for Tom’s reaction? Not the other driver – who probably went on overtaking every vehicle ahead of him and was probably completely oblivious of Tom and his feelings.

      No, the one to suffer was Tom. It was Tom whose blood-pressure went through the roof; Tom who was left shaking with fury; Tom who became so agitated that his own driving became far less steady and who could have, therefore, caused an accident himself. He had allowed himself and his judgement to be affected by the stupid actions of someone else – and he had not even had the satisfaction of telling that other person how he felt.

      In just the same way, if you allow yourself to be goaded into a stressed and extreme reaction by the manipulative behaviour of other people, the only one you are going to harm is yourself. And not only will you fail to get the response you desire but you will be left feeling exhausted by your emotions and disappointed in your own behaviour.

      What Is Your Reaction When Confronted by Someone Who Is Furious with You?

      Do you match anger with anger? Do you become defensive and make excuses – to which the other person does not listen? Or do you back off and slink away? Each of these reactions is a negative one, whether your anger is justified or not. You are also likely to be left feeling annoyed, not only with the other person but with yourself for acting in the way you have.

      Do You Talk Yourself into a State of Negativity?

      You know the sort of thing: ‘I’m dreading that interview – I always make a fool of myself’ or ‘I really hate Mondays.’ If an interview is approaching, all you can do is prepare yourself as best you can and try to be as calm as possible on the day. As for Mondays – there was one last week and there’s going to be one next week as well, so you might as well get used to them.

      This sort of negative feeling wastes so much time. Whether the interview (or the Monday) goes well or not, you will have spoiled the intervening time by spending it in a state of dread.

      How Do You Respond to Criticism?

      There are some people who just love to criticize others. It makes them feel good and gives them a sense of power. Like the bully who will only torment an obvious victim, the more response the critic gets from the object of his remarks, the more he will continue. And, also like the bully, critics tend to be moral cowards; putting others down helps them to disguise their own insecurities and have an inflated opinion of themselves. (I am not talking here of genuine, concerned criticism given in a constructive way but of those who enjoy making other people feel small).

      Is your immediate response to such criticism to become defensive? Or perhaps you assume that the critic must be right (how he would love that) and take all his comments to heart without stopping to analyse their validity. As you will discover, there are ways of stopping the malicious critic and dealing assertively with the situation.

      Do You Have a Permanently Negative Outlook?

      Tell yourself often enough that ‘Everything has gone wrong since I moved into this house’ and it will continue to do so. Convince yourself that you are having ‘one of those days’ and you will. Not only will your own negativity make you see only the down side of every event, it will also draw out the negativity in others.

      If you find yourself behaving in this way, it is worth stopping and taking stock of the realities of your situation. What really has gone wrong since you moved into your house? Make a list and study it. Are some of the items on the list things that would have happened anyway, wherever you were living? Are they all really as bad as all that? Now make a list of all the things that have gone right since you came to live there – things you may not have stopped to consider from the depths of your negative hole. Great or small, I’m certain that if you are honest you will be able to find a number of things to put on the positive side. (For one thing, you are well enough to be sitting there making the list.)

      Even when you look at that list of ‘wrongs’, can it all really be the fault of the house, the day, the weather – or whatever else you have convinced yourself is to blame? Try being more positive and making a note of good things as they happen to you – even the little ones. It really works.

      Do You Swallow Your Feelings – Both Good and Bad?

      Do you find it difficult to say ‘I love you’ or ‘I’m disappointed in what you did’? Of course you may be able to say one and not the other. Many people have been brought up to think that they have to be polite and not do or say anything to upset anyone else. That is fine – but not when it means accepting poor manners or shoddy workmanship. There is nothing wrong in expressing what you feel provided you do so in a way that is productive rather than aggressive. You will never lose your true friends – and those people who aren’t true friends don’t matter anyway.

      Disguising your emotions only ends up hurting you. It causes a build-up of stress as you turn your feelings in on yourself rather than dealing with them. Your opinion of yourself will become ever lower as your sense of inadequacy increases. You will also cause problems for yourself in that others (particularly those difficult people) will either fail to notice you at all or will consider you a prime target. Perhaps You Believe in Saying What You Think Regardless of the Consequences?

      

      Just stop for a moment and consider how you feel when other people act in such a way. Do you really want to cause others pain or distress?

      Saying what comes into your head without considering the effect it will have on those around you will eventually turn others away from you. You are likely to end up believing that you are alone against the world. This is a sad enough feeling at any time but even worse if you realize that you brought it on yourself. You could find yourself trapped on a downward spiral of emotion from which it will be hard to emerge.

      Know Your Personality Type

      While conducting research into the effects of stress upon