How to Deal With Difficult People. Ursula Markham

of us are more likely to come into contact.

      Not only does the aggressive person not really like himself, he also has a negative effect on all the people around him. These others may feel angry or frustrated because, while only too aware of the unfairness of his attitude, they are either powerless to do anything about it or resent having to waste their time and energy trying to defend themselves against his unjust accusations. This waste of energy, coupled with feelings of helplessness, is quite exhausting and often causes the aggressor’s ‘victims’ a great deal of stress and tension.

      Even if those who come into the line of fire know perfectly well that the aggressor’s accusations and comments are unjust and uncalled for, they will not be able to help feeling hurt and even humiliated by them. No one likes to be made to appear foolish or to be corrected in front of others – and of course this is just what the aggressive person does. It adds to his sense of power if as many people as possible can hear him exerting his authority and putting down some other ‘inferior’ being.

      Because anticipation of an event is often more stressful than the event itself, those who have to come into frequent contact with an aggressive person may feel that they are living on the edge of a volcano, always waiting for the next eruption. At the least this can cause them to feel anxious or inhibited; at worst it can lead to excess stress which in turn can bring about physical or mental illness. But of course the aggressor rather likes the fact that all around him are waiting for the other shoe to drop. It adds to his sense of power and authority.

      Taking all this into account, it is hardly surprising that everyone tends to leave the aggressive person alone if they possibly can. This increases his feelings of isolation and of being ‘different’ or ‘special’, so he is likely to act in an even more aggressive fashion, thus perpetuating the cycle.

      Anyone who comes into frequent contact with an aggressor will find no difficulty in identifying him at a glance, but here are some ‘give-aways’ in both verbal and body language which will point him out immediately even to a relative stranger.

      Verbal Language: The Aggressive Person Will Say Things Like:

       You’d better …

       You’re hopeless …

       You must …

       Do what I tell you …

       I want you to …

       Get on with it!

      Body Language

       Stands still

       Has a stiff, rigid posture

       Keeps arms folded

       Shouts

       Points finger

       Stabs with finger

       Bangs desk or table

      The Submissive Person

      In complete contrast, the submissive person is one who tends constantly to sacrifice his own needs in favour of other people’s. He is therefore easily put upon by others – even those who are not by nature aggressive. It is just that the submissive person seems to encourage this attitude in those with whom he comes in contact.

      In former generations it was believed that women were ‘supposed to’ behave in a submissive way; it is only comparatively recently that it has become acceptable for a woman to be assertive or competitive. Progress in this direction has been impeded, however, by men in certain organizations who are old enough or bound enough by tradition to cling to the old ideas of ‘a woman’s place’. In such companies it is extremely difficult for a woman, however talented, efficient and conscientious to reach the top. Presumably, however, as the members of this old hierarchy retire women will have more of an opportunity to share professional responsibilities with men.

      The submissive person suffers greatly from feelings of insecurity and inferiority. His self-esteem is non-existent and he has no confidence at all in himself or in his abilities. Every time he comes into contact with an aggressor his feelings of inferiority are reinforced. He tends to accept criticism without stopping to question whether it is justified or not.

      Because he realizes that he allows other people to take advantage of him – and does so repeatedly – the submissive person often experiences considerable anger. However this anger is not turned outwards towards the person or people taking advantage but inwards on himself for allowing it to happen. Yet he does little or nothing about it, believing that ‘there is no point’ in trying when he is ‘never’ going to be taken seriously or get his own way. This in turn causes great inner frustration; after all, no one really likes to feel helpless – still less if he believes he ‘deserves’ it.

      The submissive person is normally quite good at hiding his true feelings. He carries on with life pretending that everything is fine while feeling constantly anxious, fearful that it is only a matter of time until he is ‘caught out’ and ‘exposed’ for the inadequate that he is. As you can imagine, this makes him a gift for the aggressor, who is only looking for someone to accept the blame for anything that goes wrong. What a bonus to come upon a willing victim, someone who truly believes that everything is his fault!

      A submissive person often withdraws from others, feeling that he does not deserve to mix with these superior beings – and that they would not want to know him anyway. He believes that no one would want to listen to him because anything he might want to say would be trivial, unimportant or wrong.

      Try and compliment a submissive person and you find that he is quite unable to accept it. He turns any positive statement into a negative one. For example, if you say: ‘I do like that outfit; it really suits you’, instead of a simple ‘Thank you’ the submissive person is more likely to answer ‘What, this old thing? I’ve had it for ages,’ thus making you feel foolish (i.e. negative) too.

      Because of the constant stress and anxiety that surrounds him, not to mention the fear of being ‘found out’, the submissive person has little energy or enthusiasm for life. He has no time to spend on himself because he spends his entire time trying to do what he thinks other people want him to do.

      You would suppose that everyone other than the aggressor would feel sympathy for the submissive person and want to help him have a better opinion of himself and to boost his confidence. Indeed, most people start off this way. But sympathy only goes so far – and then irritation sets in. People begin to wish he would stand up for himself for once, do what he wants to do and take some decisions for himself. When this doesn’t happen others can lean towards aggressive behaviour because they lose all respect for the submissive person and treat him accordingly.

      Constant contact with someone who is submissive can be quite exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to deal with someone who is always negative in word and deed. It is quite a draining experience, leaving you tired and struggling to maintain your own positivity. The outcome of all this is that most people tend to avoid the submissive person altogether unless they absolutely can’t avoid him – thus adding to his feelings of isolation and inferiority.

      The submissive person can also be recognized by his typical verbal and body language:

      Verbal Language

       Oh dear …

       I’m terribly sorry to bother you but …

       I wonder if you could possibly…

       I’m sorry; I’m really sorry…

       But …but …

      Body Language

       Never looks at you

       Keeps his fists clenched or wrings his hands

       Stoops