How to Deal With Difficult People. Ursula Markham

       Steps backward when spoken to

      The Assertive Person

      An assertive person is someone who is concerned for himself and his own rights as well as those of other people. He wants to meet others on an equal footing rather than score points over them.

      The assertive person is usually the only one of the three types who ends up achieving the goals he has set himself. The aggressor may believe that he wins in the short term but, because he creates such bad feeling around him, there is no loyalty on which he can depend. The submissive person often does not set himself any goals in the first place, believing that he would never be able to reach them.

      Respect for other people and the realization that they too have needs and rights distinguishes the assertive person from these others. His aim is for everyone to win and for this reason he is willing to negotiate and compromise in a positive way. When he makes a promise he always keeps it and so those around him develop trust in him. Because he is in touch with his own feelings, he is able to explain how he feels to others – even when his feelings are negative because of something they have done or said – and can do so in such a way that these others will feel no resentment.

      Inwardly the assertive person feels at peace with himself and therefore with those around him. Each new challenge is faced in a positive rather than a negative way and, because of his inner confidence and the fact that he is aware of his own limitations, he is prepared to take a certain number of risks when it comes to new ventures and ideas. Sometimes things may not work out as he had hoped, but someone who is assertive realizes that it is permissible to be wrong occasionally and that it is possible to learn from one’s mistakes. Assertiveness means that he does not have to steal anyone else’s ideas or stab others in the back. When things go well he is able to acknowledge his success and be proud of – as opposed to conceited about – what he has achieved.

      Outwardly the assertive person is a joy to be associated with. His enthusiasm can be catching and will often inspire others to become more positive in their outlook. Because he is not manipulative and does not go behind other people’s backs, those around him learn to believe in and co-operate with him. His sense of inner serenity reduces the amount of stress he feels and he is therefore more able to direct his energy into achieving whatever goals he has set himself. And, because he rarely suffers from extreme mood swings, his behaviour towards others is consistent and the lines of communication are kept open.

      Obviously, from the description above, an assertive person feels good about himself most of the time. Because of this he makes other people feel good, too. They develop a sense of security and trust because regular communication and feedback lets them know what is expected of them and where they stand. Tactical ‘game-playing’ or attempts to score over one another are reduced to a minimum and therefore everyone concerned is able to turn their energies towards achieving a communal goal rather than indulging in petty power struggles.

      Respect is an integral part of the assertive person’s attitude – respect for himself and for other people. And this respect is usually reflected around him, encouraging his colleagues to-co-operate as fully as possible. Any success, great or small, is commented upon and complimented and this, too, encourages everyone to try even harder to perform well, whatever the task.

      Verbal and body language by which you can recognize the assertive person include the following:

      Verbal Language

       I feel …

       I would like …

       What is your opinion?

       What do you think is the best way to tackle …?

       I think …

       Let’s…

      Body Language

       Has an upright but relaxed stance

       His gaze is steady and he maintains eye contact

       Has a sense of composure

      Becoming More Assertive

      It is obvious, from the descriptions of the three styles of behaviour, that you will be happier and achieve more if you can become assertive. Now, this is not going to happen overnight but the desire to change and a little effort can achieve a great deal.

      Begin by tackling small problems rather than major ones. Then you will be able to register a number of successes fairly quickly instead of feeling that you are putting in a great deal of effort and achieving little. Do remember, however, to stop and give yourself credit for whatever successes you achieve, however minor. One of the attributes of the assertive person is that he is able to feel pleased with his progress.

      Think of a situation where you feel that you have not acted assertively. This can be connected either with your working or home life, as developing assertiveness applies across the board. Ask yourself these questions

       What is the situation?

       Is the other person concerned aggressive, submissive or assertive?

       What has been my reaction to date?

       What would an assertive reaction be?

      Even if you are not yet certain that you would be able to put this assertive behaviour plan into action (although, once you have read further, you should know just what to do), at least you will have worked out the situation, understood where any manipulation is coming from and seen the effect of reaction and counter-reaction between the people concerned.

      Whatever type of person you encounter, as an assertive person you should be able to do all of the following:

       Express your positive feelings: ‘I do like your new hairstyle;’ ‘I love you.’

       Express your negative feelings: ‘I don’t like it when you speak like that;’ ‘I’m frightened.’

       Say no: ‘No, I can’t work through my lunch break;’ ‘No, I don’t like Mexican food.’

       Give an honest opinion: ‘I think we should leave now;’ ‘I don’t agree.’

       Say that you are angry, provided that anger is justified: ‘The way you do that irritates me;’ ‘I feel angry when you are rude to others.’ (Note that saying that you are angry does not have to involve raising your voice, becoming abusive or thumping the furniture. Acknowledging the emotion and expressing it is quite sufficient for others to know where they stand).

      As an assertive person you have certain rights:

       You are entitled to ask for what you want – but you also have to remember that the other person is entitled to say no.

       You are entitled to make decisions and choices for yourself.

       Because you are a human being and therefore fallible, sometimes these decisions and choices will turn out to be the wrong ones – but, as an assertive person you will be prepared to face the consequences whether they are good or bad.

       You are entitled to your own opinions and feelings, to acknowledge them to yourself and to express them to other people.

       You are entitled to make mistakes, bearing in mind that others must be allowed to make mistakes, too.

       You are entitled not to know everything.

       This does not mean that you are ignorant, foolish or a failure.

       You are entitled to decide whether you want to become involved in someone else’s problems.

       As an assertive person, however close you may be to another person and however much he may try to persuade