How to Deal With Difficult People. Ursula Markham

own self-image.

      Why should you bother? What does it matter if your self-image is not as good as it could be? And what has all this to do with dealing with difficult people?

      If you haven’t a strong belief in yourself and a reasonable amount of self-esteem, you are going to accept whatever negative words others throw at you. And if you accept these words without question and without seeing the reality of the situation, you are going to be unable to respond as you should in order to cope with the situation.

      What Can You Do?

      The first thing is to accept that your self-image is not fixed. Indeed it is constantly changing in ways which may even go unnoticed. You can choose how you want your self-image to change.

      Success vs. Failure

      Try not to keep looking back at what you consider to be your failures. We’ve all had them. Professional footballers sometimes miss ‘easy’ goals; champion ice-skaters sometimes fall over – and I bet even Einstein got his sums wrong once or twice! But none of these continued to punish himself for years afterwards or entertained the belief that he was ‘no good’ in a chosen field. It is only worth reminding yourself of your failures if you are to learn from them. If they show you something you did wrong and you make a decision not to do it again, that is all you need. Once that positive outcome has been reached, all you can do is let the failures go and leave them where they belong – in the past.

      Create your own successes. Start in a very small way. Choose something you find it difficult to do, whether it’s walking into a room full of people or jumping into a swimming pool. Now do it – but only in your imagination. Creative visualization is another way of saying that you should practise something in your imagination, always seeing it through to a successful ending, until your subconscious mind becomes so used to the image that it will cease to send out panic signals when you come to do the deed in reality.

      In order to visualize effectively, you should find a quiet time of day or evening – just before going to sleep is ideal. Sit or lie quietly and allow your mind and body to relax. Now see the feared situation in your mind, as you would like it to be in reality. Don’t just picture yourself walking into that room full of people; see yourself doing it in a calm and self-assured way. Imagine going up to someone – perhaps someone who looks ill at ease—and doing what you can to make him feel more comfortable. See yourself chatting in a relaxed manner with those whom you meet. If you repeat this process daily over a period of time (at least three weeks if possible), you will find when you come to put the action into effect that you will have successfully reprogrammed your mind for success.

      Making a ‘Like-List’

      Make a list of those things about yourself that you like. The person who claims that he cannot find anything to put on a list is not thinking deeply enough – or is not telling the truth. Because people with a poor self-image are usually by definition highly sensitive, it follows that they tend to be kind, compassionate and unwilling to hurt others. So there’s the first thing to put on your list; now go on from there.

      Once you have completed your list, look at the characteristics you have written there. If they applied to some stranger you had never met, you would not think he could be such a bad person, would you? So why are you so hard on yourself?

      Instead of looking back only at negative events in your life, try remembering your successes. Everyone has had some, however small. Perhaps you won a badge in the Guides or Scouts, perhaps you bake a good cake – or perhaps you are kind to little children and animals. All of these are successes. Think of as many as you can. Don’t just list them to yourself but remember how it felt to achieve them or to be praised for them. Relive those moments. If you are going to look back at the past, you might as well do it in the most positive way you can.

      For some people, simply knowing the reason for their low view of themselves can be enough to help overcome it. Many of us do not take the time to think about the cause of our negativity; we just accept it as part of our nature. But, once you can see that the fault was not yours but lay in your upbringing or your early programming, you may not need to cling on to that false impression of yourself any longer.

      Once you have learned to reduce self-criticism and improve your self-image, you will be less likely to suffer from the otherwise damaging words and actions of difficult people. Also, because you have learned to understand yourself better, you may also be able to understand them. You may begin to see that something has made them the way they are. Once you can begin to feel sorry for someone, however dreadful he may be, he can no longer inflict harm on you.

      As your confidence grows you will also be able to put into action the techniques you are going to learn in the rest of this book to help you deal with difficult people. You will know that you are likely to succeed in coping with them and that, even on the odd occasion when you do not succeed, you will have done your best and so will have no need to reproach yourself in any way at all.

       CHAPTER TWO Styles of Behaviour

      The majority of people with whom you come into contact, whether in your business or personal life, will exhibit one of three general styles of behaviour: they will be (mainly) either aggressive, submissive or assertive. If you are to be able to deal with people you need to be able to recognize these styles of behaviour and be armed with methods of minimizing their negative effect. An important part of doing this is making sure that you yourself are in the ‘assertive’ category.

      Let’s have a look at the three basic types and see how to recognize them instantly:

      The Aggressive Person

      The aggressive person is the verbal bully, concerned only with satisfying his own needs, and frequently hurting other people in the process. (By the way, when I refer to ‘he’ ‘his’ or ‘him’ anywhere in this book please take it to mean either gender. No sexism is intended.)

      The aggressive person enjoys the feeling of power that he thinks he has and the ability to make people rush about and do his bidding – but his enjoyment is often short-lived. He may never admit it but deep inside he knows that he is taking advantage of others who are either weaker than himself or in a position where they are unable to do anything about it – for example, when a manager is aggressive towards a very junior employee who is not able to retaliate without risking his job.

      Convinced that he is the only one who could possibly be right in any situation and that the only needs that matter are his own, the aggressive person reminds others repeatedly of just how clever, strong or important he is. Just as physical bullying often hides a cowardly nature, this sort of boasting often masks feelings of inferiority or self-doubt. In addition to persuading others of his superiority, the aggressive person is also trying desperately to convince himself.

      You will often find that the aggressive person is also a lonely person. His behaviour tends to drive others away in both his business and personal life. Because he has constantly to reassure himself and everyone around that he is the best, the most interesting and the most intelligent, he is excessively critical of everyone else. It is a great ego-booster for him to think that everything that goes wrong is someone else’s fault, but it does not make him very popular. Although he may feel a desperate inner need to have friends, he is unlikely to admit this; you have to treat friends as equals and he cannot allow himself to admit that anyone is worthy of such consideration.

      Someone who is aggressive often has a great deal of energy and vitality. If only he could learn to harness that energy and use it positively, all would be well. Sadly, he tends to use it in a destructive way rather than a constructive one. Some people mistake aggression for strength and feel that if they display any other type of behaviour they will be taken for weaklings or will seem as if they do not know their own minds.

      When aggression