Sex For Dummies. Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

      Believing in yourself and taking charge

      Many of the problems that people have in finding a partner come from low self-esteem. If you don’t believe that you are worthy of finding a partner, then making it happen becomes very difficult. You may end up in time-wasting situations as a way to sabotage your chances of finding someone just because you don’t really believe that you deserve that someone.

      But you do deserve that certain someone. And you can take control of your life and make the changes necessary within yourself so you can turn those interpersonal failures into successes. You have to find out how to pull your shoulders back, hold your head high, put a smile on your face, and go out there and conquer the world. You can do it!

      Okay, enough with the negative stories. Now I want to give you a positive one to show you at least one way that you can accomplish your goal of finding a partner.

       Anthony and Rose

       Anthony was about ten years older than Rose when they met. He’d been looking for someone who would make a good mother for his children, and as far as he was concerned, Rose was it. Anthony didn’t have any doubts, and he was intent on marrying the girl he had his sights on.

       Anthony didn’t just take Rose on dates. He took her to the fanciest restaurants. And Anthony didn’t send flowers only on Valentine’s Day. Rose would receive enormous bouquets almost every day at her office.

       Rose liked Anthony, but when he started showering her with all this attention, she wasn’t quite prepared. She hadn’t been thinking of getting married just yet, but it was obvious from the way Anthony was treating her that a wedding was on his mind.

      Rose had had boyfriends before, but nobody had ever treated her like Anthony did. She was very flattered by all the attention he showed her, but she also realized that if he asked her to marry him and she said no, he would probably move on. He had fully committed himself to his quest, and he wasn’t the type to accept no for an answer and then just hang around.

      It wasn’t until the moment that Anthony actually popped the question that Rose made up her mind. She knew that Anthony was a one-in-a-million find, and she decided that she’d have a hard time doing better — besides, she found that she loved him — so she said yes. And as far as I know, they’ve been living happily ever after.

      Giving in totally to your emotions, by diving right in without holding anything back the way Anthony did makes you feel a lot freer, especially for you guys reading this. For example:

       You don’t have to put on a show for your friends, pretending that you don’t care all that much.

       You don’t have to tell jokes about your date behind her back, which you later regret when you’re actually holding her.

       You don’t have to feel bad because you’re going dancing with your girl rather than watching the game with the guys.

She hasn’t wrangled you into marrying her. You’re the one who made the choice, who made the commitment to marry this woman, and you’re happy to live by it. Being able to say to somebody, “I love you” — that’s real freedom. Only giving a piece of yourself, rather than your whole self, means that you’re tied down to a sham, and that ends up being a shackle around your ankle.

      Remember, you can’t be tied down to a marriage with somebody if you’re the one who tied the knot.

If You're North of the 29th Parallel

      There’s no doubt that the older you are, the harder it is to meet other single people. Many of those your age are married. And many of those who aren’t have some underlying issue which explains why they’re single. And then everyone who is single for a long time develops habits that make him or her more particular. While you might have tolerated dating a slob at age 25, you absolutely won’t at age 55.

      Another factor that changes as you age is that relationships lead to sex, and sex has changed for you. You can read more about that in Chapter 19, but I admit that some of those changes are easier to handle when you’ve been in a committed relationship for a long time than when you’ve only just met someone. Yes, age-related changes affect everyone, so your date is also running into some technical glitches, but your tendency is going to be to focus on your issues, not that of the other person.

      The best advice I can give you is to be honest. If you’re a woman who needs lubrication, don’t suffer by pretending you don’t. If you’re a man who needs the assistance of a little blue pill, which needs to be taken ahead of time, let your partner know why you’re stalling. Sharing feelings of embarrassment can actually bring you closer together while faking it, in whatever way, will make true intimacy harder to find.

       And always bear in mind that if someone rejects you because of some personal issue it probably meant the relationship wasn’t going to bear fruit so the sooner you know that, the better.

      Beware of age shock

      You’re familiar with the term “sticker shock” I’m sure. Something similar can take place when you’re of a certain age and you begin to date.

There are apps that are aimed at your age range, so that at least you’re not competing with people half your age or likely to have a date with one because you posted your high school yearbook picture instead of a more recent one. But there’s a bit of a danger in these, which I call age shock. What this means is that you might be setting your sights too high. While our bodies age, our personalities don’t keep up. We all feel like our younger selves, not the person we see in the mirror. But now this person across the table from you is the real thing, someone close to you in age. Can you look beyond the wrinkles to see the person underneath? It’s going to take a little effort, but try because the reward may be well worth it. And trying is going to entail accepting that age shock exists and that it’s something to overcome.

      Don’t lie about your age (or anything else)

      Very often people lie about their age as they get older. If you’ve worked hard to look younger, shouldn’t that give you permission to give Father Time a little shove? Or maybe, instead of your age, you’d rather make it seem you’ve been more successful than you have or blame your ex for a breakup that was a lot more your fault?

      There are several problems with lying. The first is that you always have to remember the lies you’ve told. You can’t be 51 one week and 49 the next. But the bigger problem is that if you’re seeking intimacy, lies put up barriers to personal connections. You’re not presenting the real you and you’re always going to be somewhat uncomfortable not being your true self.

      I’m not against white lies, lies told to benefit the other person, like telling someone they look good when you wouldn’t wear that top in a million years. But telling lies about yourself that are meant to deceive more often than not end up backfiring.

      

Here’s what I would suggest as an alternative: decline to answer certain questions. Your past doesn’t have to be an open book. In fact, there are some pages I’d definitely advise not showing. Telling a new partner that your old partner was better in some way — in bed, physically, careerwise — is going to cause this person to feel bad, so better to keep your mouth firmly shut on these topics. And while you’re at it, if you’re asked your age or how many partners you’ve had or whatever question that might make you feel uncomfortable, just decline to answer. Yes, this new person is going to be curious and the question is bound to crop up again, but maybe as the relationship deepens, assuming that it does, your comfort level will grow as well, and you can reveal more.