Sex For Dummies. Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

but it’s a skill you can develop.

Overcoming Loneliness and Getting Yourself in Dating Shape

      You can read article after article about scientific findings that say loneliness is at epidemic proportions, especially among young people. This really worries me. It turns out that no matter how many friends you have on Facebook or followers you have on Twitter or Instagram, they’re not a substitute for a real, live human being.

      Stop using your smartphone as a crutch

      So here’s another dichotomy you face. You don’t want to be lonely and your smartphone offers you many different ways to alleviate your loneliness, but at the same time it’s causing your loneliness. Are you going to give up your smartphone? Not likely. It’s become too important as your calendar, GPS, music player, not to mention as a means of communication. So your phone is going to stay with you, but at the same time you’ve got to realize that when you’re using it as a crutch to avoid feeling lonely, you’re making matters worse. If you’re feeling lonely, go spend some time with some fellow human beings. Not on a date necessarily, though that would be good, but just hanging out would be fine too.

      Of course, by hanging out with a friend I don’t mean two people together at a coffee shop, each staring at their phone. That’s the cause of the problem, not the solution. Put your phones away and talk to each other. (Someone needs to invent a condom for smartphones so that you can just wrap it up in order to promote good conversation!) If nothing else, it will give you practice so that when you’re on a date with someone you really want to make a connection with, you’ll be better able to do so without being distracted by that phone in your hand.

      

Research has shown that smartphone owners touch their phone 2,600 times a day. The harder you find it to put your phone aside, the more important it is to do so. If necessary, use the timer app on your phone to help you. Set it for 15 minutes, and then put your phone down. Turn off notifications that alert you to any form of contact. Then slowly add to the time your phone is out of your hands so that you can wean yourself off of it as a crutch. That way, when you’re on an actual date, you’ll have trained yourself to be able to put it away without having that constant nagging feeling that you should be staring at it.

      Practicing the art of conversation

Is the ability to be able to carry on a conversation something that makes you nervous about dating? Do you worry that you’ll have nothing to say? I worry that the art of conversation is disappearing because people spend so much time on their phones doing everything but talking on them. So not only is this phone time making them lonely, but it is causing a lack of skill in a key part of dating, conversation.

      It’s called the “art” of conversation for a reason. I’m sure you’ve talked to people who bore you silly. Oh sure, they can talk, but who wants to listen? To develop any art form you have to practice, so not only do I want you to talk to your friends and family as much as possible, but do it in a constructive way. Don’t just blather about what you bought at the supermarket, but come up with interesting conversation. How do you do that? You make an effort to be informed. You know those cat videos that go viral? Stop watching them and seek out stories that would make for good conversation and then go practice.

      

Is there a place for humor in the dating scene? Of course, but my suggestion is to treat humor like a spice rather than a main course. If something funny comes to mind, go ahead and see if you can get your date to laugh. But if the two of you are doing nothing but trading zingers, you’re not learning anything about each other. If you’re using humor to hide your true feelings, I would guess you’re not going to be building a relationship that will stand the test of time.

A Road Map for the Dating Apps

      The dating apps themselves come and go. Tinder and Match may be the best known, but there are many, many others such as Blue, Bumble, Christian Mingle, eHarmony, JDate, OK Cupid, Senior People Meet, Wingman, and Zoosk. The basic idea is the same: the app is going to help you find people in order to discover whether someone might bring some romance into your life. Some people use these apps only to bring some sex into their lives. If that’s what both parties are looking for, fine. But we humans need emotional relationships to feel fully satisfied, and so finding such a relationship should be your ultimate goal.

      There are more “serious” apps that charge a monthly fee, supposedly using science to put you together with someone whom you’ll find appealing, while others are free. Which type of app you should rely on to find love depends on how much time you’re willing to invest. If you’re paying for the service, hopefully the weeding out process will be somewhat effective. If it’s free, then you become the one doing the initial weeding. And if you have a lot of money to burn, there remain matchmakers who work with you one-on-one.

You might also think of using a dating app that appeals to people who are similar to you in some way. Some apps are for an older crowd like Our Time or Silver Singles. Apps like BlackPeopleMeet or BlackSingles.com are, obviously, for African Americans while LatinAmericanCupid.com is for Latinos. And there are plenty of niche dating services whose titles are fairly self-explanatory including: Fitness Singles, BiCupid, Military Cupid, Dating4Disbled, and PostiveSingles. By helping you to hone in on other singles who have something in common with you, you’ll be increasing your chances of meeting with success.

      

Dating apps are often more suited to metropolitan areas, where there’s a large pool of single people. A dating app does you no good if most of the people on it live far away. Before you decide on an app, see which ones seem to have the most people who live nearby. Ask your friends which one they recommend. By doing some early research you won’t waste as much time becoming interested in people who aren’t suitable because of the distance you’d have to cross just to have a cup of coffee together.

      Slowing down and being intentional

      For many, it’s the swiping away aspect that’s most appealing. If one of these folks has ten minutes with nothing to do, swiping takes the place of playing Candy Crush. But with so many people adopting the attitude that this is more entertainment than a serious attempt to find true love, what are the odds of meeting with success? And that’s especially true because some of those doing the swiping are actually in a committed relationship — they’re looking for a safe way to cheat, not establish a relationship.

       Again, the trick is to slow down. Don’t just wear out your fingers swiping but spend the time to look more in depth at those you discover online by actually reading their profiles. Do this even of people whose picture doesn’t really appeal to you. You’re not a casting director or editor of a fashion magazine. You’re looking for qualities that run deeper than the surface. Make yourself believe that, and then using an app can become more rewarding.

      Being aware of the dangers — physical and emotional

      There was a time I worried that the dangers of meeting total strangers were too great for app dating to be acceptable. But with so many people now actively taking part, the danger, while still there, becomes less. In other words, as the number of people using these apps grows, the percentage who are weirdos becomes smaller. But never forget that the weirdos are still out there.

There’s another danger presented by these apps, and that’s the one posed to existing relationships. If you have a fight with your partner, you’re unlikely to run