Sex For Dummies. Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

know this person? Getting to know someone requires a peeling back of layers. Nobody shows their true selves on a first date, and it might take weeks or even months for the real you to emerge. And that’s true for your partner as well. This is a learning period and there can be some rough spots. There may come a time when you think to yourself, “Am I sure I want to be a couple?” Physical desire can help pull you through such moments. If you still have something important to look forward to, then perhaps you’ll decide that the good overcomes the bad. But if you’re already having sex, then it’s no longer a carrot urging you forward.

THERE’S STILL A DOUBLE STANDARD WHEN IT COMES TO SEX

      If he drapes his arm across her shoulders on the second date and she gives him a smile, that’s a probably sign of progress towards sex but it’s not a green light to hopping into bed later that evening. But if while they’re having dinner she plays footsie with him under the table, he’s probably going to assume that she’s indicating a readiness to take the relationship further. How far, however, if yet to be determined.

      I don’t believe that some aspects of this double standard are ever going to change because men and women are built differently. On the whole, men become aroused a lot faster than a woman. And while a man can rape a woman, the reverse is not true as she can’t force him to achieve an erection though that’s not to say, as studies have shown, that a woman can’t coerce a man into having sex even if she can’t physically force him into doing so. But still, all these factors have to be integrated in how humans act when it comes to entering the sexual continuum.

      And let’s face it, the man still is the one expected to push the sexual side of the relationship forward. That’s not to say that there aren’t plenty of women who aren’t afraid of being sexually assertive but they also understand that they risk turning the man they’re with off if they come on too strong.

Safety First

      Sex comes with risks, and here I don’t just mean intercourse but also oral and anal sex. According to the Center for Disease Control, one in two sexually active people will contract a sexually transmitted infection (STI) by the age of 25. This means that joining the ranks of the sexually active also means jumping into the germ pool, and that’s not something you should do without taking whatever action you can to limit your risks.

      Condoms and contraception

      The sexual revolution was launched with the arrival of the birth control pill. Before that milestone, the risk of an unintended pregnancy was too high, and most (though certainly not all) couples waited until they were married to have sex. However, contraception only works if you use it. And with sexually transmitted diseases so rampant, couples face another set of risks, which is why condom use is also important, whether or not a woman is on the Pill.

Is condom use enough protection? I discuss this more in Chapter 21, but to take one example of why condoms only limit the risk, not obliterate it, genital herpes can appear on other parts of the body besides the genitals. If your partner has herpes virus on the skin of his or her thigh and you have a pimple nearby, you’re at risk of getting herpes whether or not a condom was used during intercourse.

      So having sex without first talking about disease transmission is a mistake. I wish I didn’t have to give such advice, that the risks of catching an unwanted disease were so slim that I didn’t have to emphasize it, but sadly that’s not the case. But this turns out to be a very good reason to only have sex with a partner with whom you have a romantic relationship.

      Having a talk about sexual history and disease

      If the two of you love each other, asking whether your partner has been tested for STIs represents a minor bump in the road (unless he or she admits to having one or more diseases, in which case you have some thinking to do). But if you’re only casual acquaintances, there’ll be a strong temptation to skip this embarrassing topic. If you’re sexually aroused, that part of your brain that you rely on for checks and balances will get overwhelmed by that part ruled by your libido. You’ll be much more likely to roll the dice, sort of the way you might drop a piece of candy on the floor and then kiss it up to God before popping it into your mouth.

      So how do you initiate this conversation? The first rule: it mustn’t be right before engaging in sexual behavior. If you’re sufficiently aroused you won’t even bother to listen to the answer but just assume it’s okay. And yet, this is a difficult question to bring up out of the blue, in part because if you do, it will make the person you’re dating think that you want to have sex.

      I see two approaches, timing wise:

       One is to ask the question on a first date. You’re asking about hobbies, work, travel so why not “Have you ever been tested for sexually transmitted diseases?” It’s an awkward question no matter when you raise it but at least on a first date your date probably won’t jump to the conclusion that you want to go to bed right away. And if that happens, it’s pretty easy to deflect that possibility.

       If you’re asking the question after you’ve made up your mind that you do want to have sex, an easier way to bring up the topic is with a lead-in. Find an article about STIs (a Google search will probably lead to a lot more than you could ever read through), and then you can bring up the article or the statistics you just read, and that will lead into the topic of testing.

Or else, if you haven’t been tested in a while, or never been tested, get yourself tested and then you can announce the result — hopefully negative — and that will almost force your date to talk about his or her testing status.

      

If you’ve tested positive for a disease, then you’re better off bringing up the subject sooner rather than later. Of course if you can sense in the first few minutes of a date that you’d never want to have sex with this person, then it would be useless to raise this issue but if you’re interested then don’t wait so long that you could get your heart broken in case this person ends up ghosting you after you reveal this about yourself.

Advice for Virgins

      Passing on an STI or STD won’t be a problem if you’re a virgin (and by “virgin” I mean someone who has never had any type of sex, as diseases can be transmitted during oral and anal sex, even naked rubbing up against each other, as well as intercourse), but you will face other issues. Unless you’re sure the person you’re dating is also a virgin, which if you’re young is more likely, admitting that this is an important milestone you’ve yet to cross will be a bit of a challenge.

      Virgins can have several different attitudes towards their status. To some, their virginity is something that’s important to them and not something to give up lightly. To others, it’s a stain that they want removed as quickly as possible. And then there are those with one foot in each camp, curious but also a little afraid.

      I’m in favor of the first position because that moment when you lose your virginity is one you’ll never forget, and so you should put in the effort to make it one you want to remember and not forget.

      If you wait to fall in love before having sex, then your virginity is something that you might already have told your partner about. But if it’s still under wraps, here are some suggestions as to how to make the big reveal:

       In Chapter 4, I suggest you bring a book to a first date as a possible topic of conversation. There are plenty of books on virginity, or at least that have the word virgin in the title (even if one of the ones I found was about olive oil!). By having one of these out on the table the topic