Sex For Dummies. Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

a date with a certain very famous TV star. Not only do I not know this star, not only would I not do such a thing if I did know him, but where in heaven’s name did she get the idea that this star was waiting for her to walk into his life? She was setting herself up for lonely nights by choosing such a totally unrealistic goal.

      Whatever you think of Lisa, you have to understand that she’s not alone. Oh, not everybody has their eyes set exclusively on one TV or movie star (although certainly millions of people fantasize about stars, and doing so is alright), but many of you may have a certain image of the person you want, oftentimes an unrealistic image, so you wind up just as lonely as Lisa.

      If you base your selection on only one aspect of a person, such as looks or job title, doing so ensures that you miss out on meeting some very nice people who may not fit into the one cubbyhole in which you are looking.

      The doormats

Be careful not to become so blinded by looks, money, power, or position that you don’t see when someone is using you. People who let themselves be used tend to fall into the same trap again and again, seemingly unable to learn from their mistakes. When you allow people to use you, not only do you endure terrible heartbreak, you also waste valuable time. You meet plenty of people who can be great partners, but you don’t recognize them as such. Years go by and, instead of having spent them with someone who cares about you, you spend them alone, with brief interludes of make-believe happiness dating people who turn out to be in the relationship only for themselves. Paul’s story illustrates how easily you can fall into the trap of being used but not loved:

       Heartbroken Paul

       When Paul came to see me, he was absolutely heartbroken. He’d been dating this gorgeous woman for the last three months. She wanted to become a model, and Paul had used some connections to open some doors for her. One evening, he took her to a party that a number of people in the fashion industry attended. They met a top photographer, who immediately took a liking to this woman. Predictably, she dropped Paul flat and left the party with this other man.

      This wasn’t the first time that Paul had allowed a woman to walk all over him. I told him that unless he changed his ways, it wouldn’t be the last time, either.

      Paul needed to identify his problem in order to keep himself from repeating it over and over again. To be successful in the dating game, you must analyze your faults in order to figure out how to navigate the dating scene so you end up with someone who satisfies your needs while you satisfy theirs.

      

By the way, one of the worst ways of falling into this trap is to date someone who is already married. There are those who spend years deeply in love with someone who is completely unavailable to them. They hope and dream that the love of their life will divorce his or her spouse and come rushing permanently into their arms, but 99 times out of 100, that doesn’t happen. Instead, years and years go by with many more nights filled with tears than happiness.

      The time-wasters

      Let me delve a little bit further into the subject of wasting time and offer some advice to those of you who are always waiting to win the dating lottery — some without even buying tickets.

      Time-wasters fall into two basic categories: People who always have a string of excuses for not looking for a mate:

       I have to lose a few more pounds.

       I have to redecorate my apartment.

       I have to look for a new job.

       I have to get my bachelor’s degree (and then my master’s and then my doctorate).

If you’re one of these people, you can end up wasting your entire life waiting for the right moment to look for a partner.

      People who don’t make excuses but who won’t lift a finger to help themselves are in another category of time wasters. They think that they’re owed a partner and so don’t need to put in any effort into finding one. That’s nonsense. If you want something in this world, you have to make an effort to get it, and the more effort you put into the search, the better will be your rewards.

      In olden times, when families lived near one another, a whole network of people was looking to make matches for single people. Nowadays, as people move around so much, those networks have been erased. You have to make up for that loss by putting your own network together, piece by piece. At the very least, you can make some new friends. At best, you can find someone you love and who loves you.

      If you really want to find a partner, you have to go out there and look for one. Make yourself available. Go to parties. Throw parties! Tell everybody you know that you’re looking. If the apps haven’t worked go to a matchmaker, if that’s what it takes. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

      

Should you use every avenue, from meeting people in bars through chatting in cyberspace? Absolutely. But as with all anonymous dating, you have to be extremely careful. Even the absolute worst blind date, the one with thick glasses and buck teeth, comes with a reference — somebody whom you know knows who they are and where they live. The people you meet impersonally can easily hide their true identities, and if they’re out to harm you, they can do so with little risk (see Chapter 17).

      Now, most of the people you meet anonymously are just like you, perfectly nice but a little lonely. But you have to take at least the most obvious precautions:

       Don’t rush anything. Spend time getting to know each other through e-mail and over the phone before you meet in person.

       Make sure that the first time you meet is in a well-lit public place, such as a restaurant or popular bar. (See Chapter 17 for more tips on your first face-to-face meeting with someone you meet online.)

       Don’t be too quick to give out personal information. It may be best to give only a daytime office number or cell phone number at first.

       Take a cab home from that first date — by yourself.

      Remember, it’s a jungle out there, and you’re not Tarzan.

      The love-at-first-sight syndrome

      Another group of people who can end up being miserable are those who suffer from the love-at-first-sight syndrome. The French call it le coup de foudre — the bolt of lightning — and rarely do people get hit by lightning (thank heavens!). Undoubtedly, love at first sight does happen: Two people meet at a party, ride off into the sunset (or dawn), and live happily ever after. For those lucky few, the experience is great. But for so many others, waiting for love at first sight brings only misery.

      If you find yourself wanting nothing less than an instant attraction, you may just be avoiding the time and work required to build a successful relationship. When you’ll accept either love at first sight or nothing, be prepared for some problems.

      You may stare into the eyes of a million people and never see those sparks fly. Or the two of you may lock eyes on a passing bus and never see each other again. Before it ceased publication, every week in New York City’s Village Voice you could find ads placed by people looking for that special someone of whom they caught only a fleeting glimpse. Some people believed those ads were romantic; I think they’re sad. People who indulge these kinds of delusions often wind up old and alone.

      While you’re waiting for your Venus or Adonis to appear, you’re not giving other people a chance; even though, with time, one of them may turn out to be your one true love.

      You