Sex For Dummies. Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

at least part of your reason for remaining a virgin is religious, then a discussion about your religious beliefs could easily lead to your position on virginity.

       The original reason that brides wear white is that it was supposed to be a sign of their purity, i.e. their virginity. Some famous person or other is always making the news for getting married and so if the bride in this couple in the news is wearing white, it gives you an opening to talk about your status in a matter of fact way.

       By the way, I’m not assuming that in talking about virginity I’m only addressing my female readers. A male virgin, especially if his first partner is experienced, may have even more issues than a female. If he is dishonest about his status, his inexperience may lead to something even more embarrassing — erectile difficulties. So my advice to you male virgins out there is not to resort to bravado and pretend you’re a veteran but instead make sure to let your partner now that you are a newbie.

      Some people consider themselves to be a virgin even if they’ve had oral sex or even anal sex. If you fall into that category, what’s going to happen is that your partner may naturally assume that if you are having other types of sex that intercourse is also something you would engage in. Don’t wait to tell a partner that you won’t have intercourse while you’re having other types of sex. Make sure your partner is aware of how far you’re willing to go before any of your clothes come off. And if you’re sufficiently intimate to engage in an activity like oral sex, it shouldn’t be that hard to talk about your limits.

Advice for Those with Prior Experience

      When you’re in a new relationship, even if you have plenty of prior experience, proceeding to the next step physically can still be tricky.

      It’s all about consent

      Back in the day, the standard procedure was that the male would keep trying to push the boundaries — touching his date’s breasts through her clothing, putting his hand under her clothing, and so on — and the female would either allow her date’s hand to explore or push it away.

Today, there are new standards being implemented, but not everyone is on board, and that goes for both sexes. The key is to keep that word consent front and center. We humans communicate in so many ways, not just with words. In fact, even words can have more than one meaning. A woman might say no in such a way that she really means yes but wants to be asked again, or say yes but is obviously giving in to pressure and not pleasure. So it’s better that a “No” be given as clearly as possible. (But if she wants the relationship to continue forward, that “No” shouldn’t be given in a mean way either.)

      So both sexes have to make some changes as to how they communicate with the opposite sex. Men have to learn how to ask without pressuring, be that physically or with words. Women who may have been taught they should play hard to get, believing that saying yes too quickly will make the man respect her less, have to modify their technique or else the men they’re with are going to go looking elsewhere.

      NEGOTIATIONS OF THE SEXES

      These behavior patterns regarding courting and sex have long been labeled the “battle of the sexes.” It’s time we disarm both sides and rename this the negotiations of the sexes. Those in the dating game shouldn’t be trying to beat the other person as if they were playing a game but rather work together to join themselves in bodily union.

      Benefits of improved communications about sex

      While I would understand that some of you feel that this approach to advancing in the sexual arena is cumbersome, it does offer some benefits. The best sex is achieved when the two partners can be open with each other and communicate their likes, dislikes, and especially needs. Many couples struggle with this and end up having sex that might or might not be satisfying but certainly is without a “wow” factor. But if a couple starts out being open about sex by asking about how to progress each step of the way, that openness should definitely then translate into improving their sex life.

       So if you’re hesitant about adopting a positive attitude towards being more verbal about asking permission as you advance through the various sexual stages, consider the advantages rather than just taking a negative attitude. Yes, it’s more difficult to verbalize some of these requests than to hint at them physically but the offsetting rewards might more than compensate.

THERE’S AN APP FOR THAT

      Since there’s always someone ready to monetize everything, of course there are apps you can use to give consent. The concept behind apps like Consent Amour or Legal Fling is that you use your phone to make your consent official. In addition to writing down what is or isn’t permissible, you can add a selfie of the two of you together as further proof that you’re both fully on board.

      On one hand, if this method makes it easier for some couples to lay down their ground rules, why not use an app? But since consent can always be removed, it doesn’t guarantee that having the word “legal” in an app means that you can’t still run afoul of the law.

      If nothing else, bringing up these apps in a conversation will definitely lead to the two of you talking about your attitudes towards consent. In the end, you may not decide to use one of these apps, but if talking about the possibility helps the two of you clear the air and come to some agreement on how to proceed, that would be well worth it.

Chapter 6

      Commitment and Marriage

      IN THIS CHAPTER

      

Finding the right partner

      

Knowing you deserve love

      

Strengthening your marriage

      

Communicating lovingly

      

Sharing time together

      If you’ve already found the ideal partner, marriage may be in your future. Congratulations. If you’re already married, then I’ll go one step further and say Mazel Tov.

      But some people who get married don’t plan on a lifetime commitment. If you approach marriage with that attitude, you just may get your wish. No one is perfect. No two people share identical tastes in every way. Conflict is inevitable in every marriage. The situation would be unnatural if no disagreements pop up; after all, you and your partner aren’t clones.

      Your tolerance for that conflict depends very much on your commitment to the marriage in the first place. If you approach marriage with that proverbial ten-foot pole stuck out in front of you, then any marriage you enter into is destined to fail.

      In this chapter, we’ll go over how to use your commitment to a relationship to make sure that the relationship is in as good a shape as possible as well as how to make it through any rough spots.

Knowing That Love Isn’t Enough

      Think of a marriage as a house of cards. If you merely