The Complete Plays of J. M. Barrie - 30 Titles in One Edition. Джеймс Барри

ordering two dozen of whisky and one dozen of soda.

      MISS S. Oh, this is too much!

      CADDIE. That’s what I thought, ma’am, too much whisky and not enough soda. Exit MISS SIMS.

      1ST STUD. We were invited — and we’ll stay.

      ALL. Certainly. (Sit down in a determined manner.)

      CADDIE (to JANE ANNIE). See here, Miss, I have knocked about a bit in my time, and it strikes me that you have been doing something fishy.

      JANE A. Go away!

      CADDIE. What’s more, I have the responsibility of this here seminary on my shoulders, and I’ll find out what you’ve been up to, and expose you, if you don’t —

      JANE A. Don’t what?

      CADDIE. If you don’t chuck us a kiss.

      JANE A. There! (Slaps his face.)

      CADDIE (puzzled). See here now, is that flirting, or ain’t it?

      JANE A. It “ain’t.”

      CADDIE. Then drop it — and give us a kiss.

      JANE A. Sha’n’t!

      CADDIE. This is the last time of asking. You’ll never have such a chance again.

      JANE A. There! (Slaps him.)

      CADDIE. Summer flies! Now for revenge. (Exit.)

      JANE A. It’s all very well to laugh, but he is quite capable of doing what he threatens, and so I — I think I had better give him a kiss. (Exit after CADDIE.) Cries of “Fore!” and two golf balls land on the putting green. The balls are followed by some of the GIRLS, who look self- consciously at the STUDENTS. The STUDENTS look very sheepish.

      1ST STUD. Speak to them, Christopherson.

      2ND STUD. Say something nice, Tippy.

      3RD STUD. I can’t think of anything nice to say.

      2ND STUD. Well, then, let us look nice. (All simper.)

      MILLY. Are you men?

      STUDENTS. Eh, what? We are. Oh, yes, certainly, certainly.

      MILLY. So are we.

      1ST STUD. Eh?

      MILLY. You see, Miss Sims, our mistress, has invented a new game for us. Half of our number are to be men for to- day, and to entertain the other half.

      2ND STUD. But where’s the other half?

      MILLY. Oh, that was the difficulty. You see, we all wanted to be men, so there is no other half.

      2ND STUD. You’re all men, then?

      MILLY. Yes, and we don’t know what to do for girls.

      3RD STUD. A gentlemen will do anything to oblige a lady, will not he, friends?

      ALL. Certainly.

      3RD STUD. Then, let us be girls.

      MILLY. Delightful, and we’ll be students. The GIRLS put on the caps and gowns of the STUDENTS, and swagger about in a manly way. The STUDENTS look shy and mincing.

      MILLY (to 1ST STUDENT). Ah, ah, ah! What are these things you are carrying?

      1ST STUD. (consciously). Ah, ah, ha! Kodaks.

      MILLY. Ah — ah — no!

      1ST STUD. Ah — ah — yes! (They giggle and MILLY runs to ROSE.)

      MILLY. Rose, you can’t guess how I have been flirting with that dark one.

      1ST STUD. (to 2ND STUDENT). I say, old man, I have been going the pace with little blue eyes.

      ROSE. I haven’t felt so wicked since I ate twelve penny tarts at a sitting.

      2ND STUD. (to 1ST STUDENT). He, he, he! my one asked me what time it was. Oh, what a lark!

      MILLY (hysterically, swaggering). Glass of beer, waiter — have a weed? How are you, old man? — Glass of beer — have a weed? — how are you, old man? Have a weed — glass of beer. Oh, Jenny, isn’t it splendid? Glass of beer — have a weed? —

      MAUD. Control yourself, dear.

      MILLY. I can’t! This cloak has gone to my head. Glass of beer —

      PROCTOR rushes in accompanied by BULLDOGS. He cries “Name and College!” The STUDENTS rush off, the GIRLS all turn their backs.

      PROCTOR. Now, I’ve got you. There’s no mistake this time, at any rate. (Takes out notebook.) Name and college, sir?

      GIRLS. Smith of Olds, Jones of New, Brown of New, etc.

      PROCTOR (pompously). Now, Gentlemen of the Press, I have got you. For weeks you have followed me with your impertinent notebooks and Kodaks. I shall gate the lot of you! They all rush off laughing, having taken off their caps, and reveal themselves as girls.

      PROCTOR. There now! I knew they were girls all the time.

      SIM. Of course, if you say so that is sufficient.

      GREG. Fudge!

      PROCTOR. Hum! Well, perhaps I did make a mistake this time.

      SIM. No, no.

      PROCTOR. And that no one may say that there is one law for the humble Undergraduate and another for the great Proctor, I hereby fine myself one shilling.

      SIM. There’s a sense of justice, Greg!

      PROCTOR. And I shall pay it after my usual fashion.

      SIM and GREG. Don’t!

      PROCTOR. Namely by proxy. Come, my men, a sixpence each. They pay reluctantly.

      GREG. Da — da — da —

      SIM. Greg, forbear.

      GREG. It seems to me that we do nine-tenths of the work and you get nine-tenths of the pay.

      SIM. Oh, this dashed independence!

      PROCTOR. Well, you can’t expect to get both the work and the pay. They never go together, even in our Government offices.

      GREG. Then they should.

      SIM. Greg, Greg! you are flying in the face of the law of England.

      GREG. I say it’s a da — da — da —

      SIM. Greg!

      PROCTOR. This discussion is getting hot. Perhaps I had better clear the air with a song, the little thing that you two composed.

      GREG. But we composed it about ourselves.

      PROCTOR. It suits me better than you. But I am willing to pay for it.

      SIM. There’s generosity.

      PROCTOR. I will pay for it by prox —

      SIM and GREG. You can have it for nothing.

      PROCTOR. Thank you, The music for song is started, PROCTOR hesitates, yawns.

      PROCTOR. No, it is too great a fag. You shall sing it for me instead.

      GREG. At last!

      SIM. Always considerate!

      PROCTOR. But remember, you are to sing it about me — not about yourselves.

      GREG. Da —

      SIM. Hush!

      TRIO. — BULLDOGS and PROCTOR.

       When I was a — when he was a little child

       Only two or three,

       All the household went quite wild

       Out of love for — he.

       Cooks and housemaids came to kiss,

       Crowding for their duty,

       And the reason