You Want to Do What?: Instant answers to your parenting dilemmas. Karen Sullivan

render your child powerless, thereby encouraging rebellion and deception, and undermine your relationship at key stages of development. Be prepared to explain yourself and to make allowances. Balance what your child says, what the government decrees, what other children are doing and what other parents allow with what you believe, and make a judgement on that basis.

      Take the time to explain your thinking. Unexplained rules set for the sake of them will do nothing but cause frustration and resistance. What’s more, your child will learn nothing except how to accept defeat, and the defeat will breed resentment in the process. If you explain your reasons and your thinking, and are consistent about the way you approach the things that matter, your child will learn to respect you and what you believe in, even if there are a few battles along the way. This is particularly likely if you show willingness to compromise and to accommodate their demands from time to time.

      UNHAPPY CHILDREN

      Children growing up in the United Kingdom suffer greater deprivation, worse relationships with their parents and are exposed to more risks from alcohol, drugs and unsafe sex than those in any other wealthy country in the world, according to a 2007 study from the United Nations.

      The UK is bottom of the league of 21 economically advanced countries according to a ‘report card’ put together by UNICEF on the well-being of children and adolescents, trailing the US which comes second to last. The UNICEF team assessed the treatment of children in six different areas: material well-being; health and safety; educational well-being; family and peer relationships; behaviours and risks; and young people’s own perceptions of their well-being.

      If nothing else, this provides parents with even more impetus to get things right, and to ensure that the choices we make for our children are in their best interests and make a positive contribution to their overall health and well-being.

      For each entry in this book, you’ll find practical advice and tips for dealing with tricky situations, negotiating compromise or getting the information you need to explain why certain behaviours or activities are unacceptable. You’ll also find lots of information that you can share with your children, if you find it difficult to explain your position. For example, it can be hard to know when to talk about drugs or sex with children, and how to approach it in the right way. While you want to get your own views across, there are also statistics and facts that children need to understand in order to make their own decisions. You’ll find plenty of advice about how to talk to your children about various subjects, what to say, when to say it – and how to get the message across in the least threatening way.

      This is a book for all parents – because all parents have questions and concerns, and all of us question the way we should be bringing up our children. Use your judgement, be willing to negotiate where necessary, be consistent in your approach to issues, discipline and beliefs, and, ultimately, base your decisions on your individual child. This book is based on facts, research, theories and plenty of practical advice, which will help to guide your decision.

      WHAT CHILDREN THINK

      The study ‘Child Maltreatment in the UK’, published in November 2000 by the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), revealed a general picture of close supervision by parents. Its survey of 3,000 young people between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four years old in England and Wales found that:

      

Between the ages of five and nine, travelling to school alone is common, usually from the age of seven upwards.

      

Most children in the UK (88 per cent) are not left at home in the evenings without adult supervision until they are at least twelve, and they don’t stay at home unsupervised overnight before they are fourteen (91 per cent).

      

Asked when they were first allowed out overnight without parents knowing their whereabouts, more than four out of ten respondents said that this had not been permitted until they were sixteen or seventeen, and more than a third (36 per cent) said that this would still not be allowed.

      Meanwhile, a 1990s survey of 4,000 parents by the children’s charity Kidscape found that most parents allowed children:

      

To cross local roads from age nine.

      

To use local transport during daytime from age eleven.

      

To go to the cinema with a friend from age twelve.

      

To be out with a friend in the evening from age fifteen.

      What children can do:

      Any age

      

Can babysit (although the NSPCC recommends sixteen as the minimum age).

      

Can enter a bar that has a child licence if you are with an adult.

      

Can see a U or PG category film at a cinema unaccompanied by an adult; you can see a 12A film if you are with an adult.

      

Can ask to see your health and education records.

      

Can give consent to surgical, medical or dental treatment provided your doctor or dentist decides you understand what is happening.

      

Can choose your own religion.

      

Can smoke cigarettes, but you are not allowed to buy them until you are sixteen.

      Age five

      

Can drink alcohol in private.

      

Must go to school or be educated at home.

      Age seven

      

Can open and draw money from a National Savings Account or Trustee Savings account.

      Age ten

      

Have full criminal responsibility for actions and can be convicted of a criminal offence.

      

Can open a bank or building society account.

      Age twelve

      

Can see a 12A film at the cinema or rent one without an adult present. Can buy a pet.

      Age fourteen

      

Can get a part-time job, subject to restrictions (see