The Dastardly Book for Dogs. Chris Pauls

       Fig. G

       Fig. H

Epic Walks – Part One The Land Bridge

      Thousands and thousands of years ago a land bridge spanning what is today the Bering Strait brought an unprecedented migration of animals and humans from Asia to North America. Of the many treacherous treks, perhaps none were as epic and important as the one made by Mikmik, the first dog ever to set foot on the North American continent.

      Mikmik resembled a modern-day Malamute, but like many of our primitive ancestors he had several physical characteristics no longer seen in the breed. For example, Mikmik had blue (not brown) eyes, was twelve feet tall, and had three-foot tusks. Mikmik lived a peaceful life in eastern Siberia with his Mahlemut Inuit family. He hunted arctic lions and sea monsters with the men, rolled in the snow with the kids, and even aided the women in stitching together fine sealskin parkas. This was Mikmik’s life: simple, serene, and pretty cold, since he was in Siberia during the Ice Age.

      The morning of the landmark walk began quite unassumingly. Mikmik’s owner clapped a few times and enthusiastically asked, ‘Want to go out, boy? Do you? Want to go out?’

      Mikmik darted for the door of the igloo to indicate that, yes, he did in fact want to go out. His owner grabbed the polar-bear-sinew lead, and off they went. Normally Mikmik and his owner had a standard route they stuck to: head up to the big glacier, toss the narwhal tusk around for a little bit, and then back home. That morning, however, Mikmik’s owner had an argument with the wife about spending too much time clubbing seals and not enough time with the kids, and because of the row Mikmik’s owner really needed to let off some steam.

      ‘I’ll tell you what, boy,’ said Mikmik’s owner. ‘Why don’t we head east today – try something new?’

      Mikmik was all for it. Recently Mikmik had noticed that a bunch of the wolverines, sabre-toothed lynx, wooly mammoths and giant short-faced bears he usually chased on walks weren’t around any more.

      As they strolled along, Mikmik’s owner began airing his marital woes. ‘She just – oh, she doesn’t understand me sometimes, you know? It used to be just us – just me and her, and that was great. But now with the kids and the food scarcity – there’s a ton of pressure on me that I’m not sure I can deal with. Oh, did I tell you she wants to move? She says we need more space, as if I can afford a bigger place with the amount of walruses I’m bringing in.’

      Mikmik loved his owner, but the endless rambling stream of complaints about domestic life was becoming annoying. Still, they had now been walking for a solid two hours and Mikmik didn’t want to wreck this great walk, which is exactly what would happen if he told his owner that it was time to face facts, recognize he’s not a sixteen-year-old any more, and accept his new identity as a family man with obligations.

      After another hour of griping and moaning, Mikmik’s owner sighed, looked up at the sun to check the time, and said, ‘OK, boy, we’d better head back. I don’t want to get shouted at again for not shaving down the ice in the front garden. Do your business, Mikmik. Come on, boy. Pee-pee time.’

      It took a while for Mikmik to find a good spot. He had never been out this far east, and picking a single spot to mark among all this new territory was an overwhelming decision. Finally, Mikmik found a good area right in the middle of what he assumed was a solid piece of snow-covered land. He lifted his leg and let loose a hearty flood of urine. As the hot torrent splashed against the ground, one thing suddenly became abundantly clear: Mikmik and his owner were standing on ice.

      A vast crack spread instantly across the land bridge and Mikmik and his owner found themselves on the eastern side of a crevasse. The twelve-foot-tall canine’s fluids had caused an enormous rift in the ice sheet, and the distance was too great for Mikmik or his owner to jump over. Mikmik had never felt so ashamed in his life. He tucked his tail between his legs and lowered his head before his owner, which didn’t really work because his head was still a good six and a half feet above his owner.

      Mikmik’s owner shrugged, knowing his friend didn’t cut the two of them off from the other side of the world on purpose. ‘It’s OK, boy. Let’s go and find out what else is on this side of the planet, and we’ll go back home once this spot freezes over. I could use the holiday anyway. Would you like that, Mikmik? Eh? Would you?’

      Mikmik panted with delight and the two continued on their walk. About two days later the pair stumbled upon one of the most magnificent sights ever seen by man or dog. The glacial trail they had been walking on suddenly gave way to rolling steppes teeming with all the wildlife that used to inhabit Siberia, plus all sorts of new animals that looked as though they might be really tasty. It was Alaska, and it held a bounty unlike anything Mikmik could have imagined. Also, land prices were super low since there were no other humans around.

      Mikmik and his owner knew they had found a new home for their Mahlemut family, and they hurried home to round up the wife and kids. Three weeks later they returned to Alaska and became the first homeowners in the New World.

Interpreting Commands

      All humans talk to a dog at some point in their lives.

      Those who live alone tend to confer with us because they have no one else. Others have lots of people around but are chatty and like to be talking constantly, even if no one is paying attention. A few actually expect us to participate in the conversation. We recommend steering clear of these people.

      No matter what the situation, you should always listen when your owner talks to you. He’s trying to say something.

      However, there is a difference between talking that is conversational and that which is meant to be authoritative. It’s usually pretty easy to distinguish between the two. Obviously if you’re on the table eating the flowers, it’s a good guess that you’re in big trouble, because you’re on the table eating the flowers.

      Things become more complicated when humans, specifically owners, don’t always mean exactly what they say. An order you interpret as being angry or negative may not be so at all, and may just be their awkward way of reacting to something else.

      So how can you tell what’s really going on? What should you do? See opposite for a list of situational commands and recommended responses.

Poo: An Indelicate Discussion

      We all get a little confused about our bodies from time to time. We love to eat food, but some four to eighteen hours later we begin to undergo a change. We start to feel urges we didn’t have before, urges to go outside and squat down to expel something from our behinds. That something is poo, and it is totally natural.

      Some dogs are embarrassed by the fact that they have to poo, and even conflicted by their feelings about poo. Let’s make one thing clear right off the bat: Every dog poos. It’s not weird or embarrassing. It’s natural. Pooing is just a fact of life. The thing you have to remember is that it is more than a reason to clean your arse. Here are some of the most common questions about poo.