The Dastardly Book for Dogs. Chris Pauls

The Roots of Barks

      Have you ever wondered how the barks we use every day came to be? Perhaps one day an ambitious pup will list the etymological roots of all the nearly 180,000 barks currently in use, but until that dictionary is written, here are the origins of some of our favourites.

      Ruhruhruhruhruh. Meaning ‘someone is at the door’, this bark is derived from the ancient Indo-European barks ‘rrrrrrr’, meaning ‘alert’, and ‘mmbuhmmbuh’, meaning ‘visitor’.

      Ooowwww! Ooowww Asztalos, a Hungarian Kuvasz, is considered the first dog to identify the distance to the moon based on how long it took his howled name to bounce back to earth. After this landmark discovery, in 1379, Asztalos’s first name became synonymous with moon-directed howls.

      Grrrrr. The Grrrrrs were a pack of Pharaoh Hounds charged with sitting at the royal throne of Amenhotep IV (aka Akhenaten). Their job was to instil fear and humility in foreign envoys by emitting a low, threatening growl throughout the course of a visit with the pharaoh.

      Woof. Though there is some debate about woof’s etymological roots, it is generally accepted that the common greeting was first used in the early part of the fifth millennium when the Chinese refined animal-husbandry techniques. The Chinese would introduce themselves to their canine workers by saying, ‘Wo-duh ming-d’zi …’ (‘My name is …’), and the dog would respond likewise, ‘Wo-duh ming-d’zi …’ Over time, dogs learned to simplify their language for more efficient communication, and the greeting became shortened to ‘wod’z’, which in turn became ‘woof’.

      Arf. In Olde Bark, ‘awrk’ meant ‘at the ready’, which a dog would bark out at the beginning of a joust to signal the opposing riders to raise their lances. When the bark crossed the English Channel into France, ‘awrk’ became ‘arf’, and the meaning expanded. Today we use ‘arf’ to command an owner to lift a ball and prepare to throw it.

      Ruff. Like many slang terms in our society, ‘ruff’ originated in the dog’s home and was first popularized by inmates. Bad doggies in the Battersea Dogs’ Home used the word around the keepers as part of a complex coded language. When a dog would plot an escape, he would mumble the word ‘ruff’ under his breath because it could be uttered with minimal jowl flapping (which keepers looked for as a sign of mischief afoot). The word is now used whenever a dog wants to skedaddle, even though an owner is content to stay in the house.

      Yip! Yip! Yip! A relatively new bark, ‘Yip! Yip! Yip!’ derived from a Spanish bark that came into fashion quite circuitously. Queen Isabella II of Spain had an esteemed Ratonero Bodeguero Andaluz (translation: Andalusian Wine Cellars’ Ratting Dog) named Rodrigo who suffered from a terrible stuttering problem. When the terrier would find a rat in the queen’s wine cellar he would try to alert the cellar master in Spanish by saying, ‘Aquí!’ (‘Here!’). Unfortunately all Rodrigo could muster was, ‘Aq – aq – aq!’ Rodrigo was embarrassed, but the queen loved her Ratonero Bodeguero Andaluz so much that she ordered all the dogs of Spain to bark with a stutter. Around the turn of the twentieth century, ‘Aq – aq – aq’ was crudely Anglicized into ‘Yip! Yip! Yip!’ but it remained the bark of choice for the dogs of heiresses and royalty alike.

Swimming

      Swimming is not a chore like bath time. Swimming is all about splashing around in cool water and enjoying the experience. Outdoor bodies of water might have some soapy suds like a bath, but there will be a lot more room to move about and have a good time, unlike when you’re confined to a crummy tub.

      Humans will swim on occasion because they need to. Maybe it’s to get up to the bar for another drink, or because there’s quite a bit of shiny money at the bottom of a fountain. Luckily we don’t need to concern ourselves with understanding their rationale. All we care about is making sure that when they do go near water they let us get in and have a wild time.

      Dogs should be careful not to enter the water immediately following a meal. Always wait a minimum of fifteen seconds after eating before swimming.

      Entering the water can be accomplished in two ways: running or diving. Running into the water is fun but it isn’t nearly as impressive as diving.

      Diving involves jumping off solid ground, flying through the air and then landing in water. The best part is when you’re in the air, so you should definitely take a quick look around.

      A common launching-off point for a dive is called a dock, and usually you’ll be entering a lake.

      In the event that you have the good fortune of swimming in a manmade pool, look for the diving board. Here you can bounce way up high and have ample hang time to execute a special dive.

      We advise you to stick to diving in the traditional environments mentioned. It is not a good idea for dogs to dive off a cliff into the ocean, as some nutty humans do. Because we usually land on our bellies, a traditional dog dive from that high up will probably seriously injure or kill you. Only dogs with special training should ever attempt to enter the water from such a height. They employ an advanced technique taught by humans.

      If you are in water where you can’t touch the bottom, it’s time to start swimming. If you do not begin swimming you will begin to sink, which is not good. No dog can breathe water. It’s necessary to keep your head above it, and to accomplish this there is something called a ‘stroke’.

      The most common stroke was invented by dogs and is aptly named ‘The Doggy Paddle’.

      By employing a motion similar to running, you’ll find that your nose will stay above water. A general rule is that the faster you move your legs the less you’ll need to crane your neck to keep from going under. Just take care not to over-exert yourself and tire yourself out. Maintaining fluid leg motion will maximize your effort. It also gives the appearance that you have lots of swimming experience.

      To go into reverse, employ ‘The Backstroke’, which is similar to ‘The Doggy Paddle’, but the other way.

      You might be wondering what you’re supposed to be doing, or where to go when swimming. The answer is that you should go pretty well wherever your owner allows. It really isn’t very different from on land. Swimming towards an object that will fit in your mouth is always good. Definitely stay away from personal watercraft that humans are riding or you might get run over by one. Often the drivers are waving to other people and may not see you. A lot of these people own convertibles on land and approach driving in water the same way.

      After finishing your swim, get dried off. There’s nothing more satisfying than shaking all that water from your coat.

      If you’re somewhere where the water smells funny and looks green, make sure to take a thorough stroll up and down the shore before it’s time to go. There might be dead fish to roll in, and that’s a great way to end your day.

Courageous Dogs in History – Part One

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