The Dastardly Book for Dogs. Chris Pauls

and may actually cause you harm. That said, there’s nothing more exciting than the feeling of running after a car. They are so fast and exciting! If one should actually stop and open the door for you, take stock of the situation. If you recognize the person as friendly, then by all means get in that car!

      Treats

      Obviously, if your owner throws one of these, don’t bring it back to him. He’ll think something’s wrong with you.

      A SPECIAL NOTE ON FAKE THROWS: Owners who fake-throw things for their own enjoyment are mean. If you are unfamiliar with the trick, here’s how it works. Your owner will show you something extremely chasable, like a really nice ball. He will wave it in front of you until you are ready to rip it out of his hands, no matter what the consequences. Once he knows that he has your attention, he cocks his arm back as if he is going to throw it, except he doesn’t actually let it go. This can lead to feelings of confusion and fear. You wonder: Where did the ball go? Is it chasing you now? Once you work out his trick, you should do all you can to condition him not to do it again by standing still and staring at him with your tongue hanging out. Eventually, he will feel bad and stop trying to fool you.

Begging: A Primer

      ‘NO.’ It’s an ugly word, one we’ve all heard countless times before – whether we’re jumping on a bed, tearing into a box of doughnuts or vigorously humping the leg of a visiting Chinese ambassador. But who among us wishes to heed it? And, quite simply – why should we?

      Nowhere do we hear this word more often than at the dinner table. Begging ranks just below bowl feeding and above rubbish rummaging as a chief method of food procurement, but it requires a far more elaborate technique. If done correctly, it can yield a tasty morsel of man food. As such, it is broadly frowned upon by owners, who think of begging as a lowly and undignified way to comport yourself. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you are living in a home where begging is taboo, do not let that discourage you. Nothing short of banishment from the dining room should stop you, particularly if you are at a fancy party honouring the Chinese ambassador and there are cocktail sausages.

      There are many styles, methods and schools of thought as to the most successful methods of begging. Dogs have debated this topic for ages, but, in the end, you must find the style that suits you best. Regardless of which style you choose, here are a few guidelines to follow.

      CORRECT FORM

      Posture

      Is your head erect? Is your back straight? Are you seated comfortably enough to maintain this position throughout a five-course dinner?

      Eyes

      Many a meal is won or lost with a trick of the eyes. You may choose a docile, desperate or hopeful look, but whichever you choose, be sure to maintain eye contact with your owner. You are hypnotizing him. He must look directly into your eyes. He is under your control. He will give you the steak. He will … give … you … the steak. For best results, do not blink. Ever.

      Ears

      Your body doesn’t stop at the top of your head, and neither should your technique. Always follow through with your ears. Floppy ears should extend out to the sides as much as possible. Pointed ears should remain high and sharp. Remember, good posture starts in the ears and ends in the toes. Use every inch in between to your advantage.

      BE WATCHFUL

      Eye contact is key, but do not be so focused on getting food directly from your owner that you miss an errant morsel that falls to the ground. While technically a table scrap, and not the direct result of begging, food falling in your line of sight is fair game. Move quickly before it gets tossed in the bin.

       Be watchful at all times

      BE PATIENT, BE PERSISTENT

      Begging often boils down to nothing more than a battle of wills, so you must persevere at all costs. Sometimes an unresponsive owner can be worn down with little more than a gentle nudge, a friendly pant or a soulful, uninterrupted stare.

      Even the most experienced beggars among us have moments when we want to give up. It’s at times like these that you need to ask yourself a question: Which is stronger? An owner’s will? Or your desire for a succulent pork chop? Look deep into your stomach – you will find the answer.

      STICK WITH PROVEN TECHNIQUE

      Has it worked before? Then it WILL work again! If you have heard a ‘no’ but seen a ‘yes’, if you have been called a ‘bad dog’ but moments later had a piece of teriyaki chicken in your mouth – whatever you did was perfect, and will work again. And if it doesn’t? …

      TRY SOMETHING NEW

      If you’re not getting anywhere, and the dinner is disappearing quickly, try out a new technique. Put your paw on someone’s lap, try your luck with the youngest person at the table, stand on your hind legs or cock your head that way you do. Whatever you choose, keep an open mind. You never know what’s going to work until you try. Here are a few suggestions that have been proven to bring home the bacon:

      Playing the dog’s home puppy

      We’ve all got a sad story to tell, if we only stop to think about it. A long-lost favourite chew toy. A night where you didn’t get fed until 11 p.m. That time you got kicked out of bed. Whatever your sob story is, you can turn it into cold hard treats. Just be sure it’s something your owner feels guilty about. Then chew on those heartstrings until things are in your favour.

      Feigning injury

      It’s easy to goad your owner into handing over that Cumberland sausage. Mope around the house, add a slight limp to your gait and you’ll be eating from the table in no time. Be careful not to overdo it. Anything too theatrical or hammy and they’ll sense that you’re faking it. You want to be convincing in a way that doesn’t warrant too much concern, so don’t fake anything too serious. The last thing you need is a surprise trip to the vet during the dinner hour. An injured paw is always plausible and usually easy to pull off.

      Reverse psychology

      This technique is brilliant and rewarding but difficult to employ. Say an entire roast turkey with dressing appears on the dinner table. You promptly trot out of the room, find a toy and pretend that you would rather be doing anything, anything at all, besides eating that delicious turkey that you don’t even really care to taste. Act as if delicious golden-brown turkey bores you to tears, and that you cannot wait for your owners to be finished with their totally uninteresting tenderly roasted dinner with all the trimmings. Believe it or not, they will wonder where you are and why you aren’t there begging at the table. Then they will come to find you and feed you. That’s right – they will bring the food to you. Reverse psychology is a simple, effective tool that works wonders. Unfortunately many dogs find it physically impossible. It’s worth a try, though. If you have the discipline, this one pays off handsomely.

      While the time and energy invested in learning and executing begging techniques is high, the effort is low – and the pay-off rich and buttery. Remember: Stay strong, stay fast and stay put. Your owner