The Dastardly Book for Dogs. Chris Pauls

      Step 3. Next time you are brought back inside, have a snack, then immediately begin barking to be let outside again. Your owner will ignore you at first, but persistence will reap benefits.

      Step. 4. You should now find your outdoor time readily increasing. When this occurs, park yourself on your foundation while looking mournfully at your owner’s home. If it’s raining or really hot when you’re let out to do your business, don’t be eager to scratch on the door for re-entry. Just sprawl out on your foundation and look really pathetic. Put on the saddest eyes you’ve got. Make it clear that you really, really like that spot and you wouldn’t be so miserable if there was some sort of shelter available there. Repeat until your owner heads to the DIY superstore.

      Step 5. Congratulations! You have a beautiful new kennel!

How to Escape Humiliating Costumes

      However much you wish to please your owner, you must put your paw down when it comes to costumes. Being dressed in a studded biker helmet and a pair of vinyl chaps demeans you both. If your owner insists on putting you in one of these costumes, bark twice, aggressively, to voice your displeasure. If he is unable or unwilling to listen, you must do everything within your power to escape from the outfit at once.

      Remember, it is not disrespectful or disloyal to escape from a ridiculous outfit. In fact, it is imperative you do so immediately. Otherwise you will most assuredly be photographed, the photographs will surface on the Internet, and you will have little chance of ever recovering your dignity.

      It is of the utmost import that you destroy the outfit post-escape. This cannot be stressed enough. You need to send a bold message to your owner, which is that you prefer the noble, comfortable costume you were born with to that of a mermaid, policeman, or lobster.

      Techniques for escaping several ‘popular’ costumes follow.

      REINDEER

      This common seasonal humiliation is fairly simple to escape; all you have to do is work free of the awkward antler headdress. To do this:

       Fig. A

      1 Bow your head until the antler tips are touching the floor.

      2 Work the antlers into the ground. (See fig. A.)

      3 The antlers should fall from your head. Pick them up, take them outside, and quickly bury them in a neighbouring garden. (See fig. B.)

       Fig. B

      Alternative technique: Run full speed throughout the house. Steer the antlers into valuable dishware and through tall stacks of important papers. Do not stop until after you have heard your owner screaming. He should remove them quickly.

      ELF

      The holidays are rife with costuming dangers. Those fortunate enough to escape the loathsome reindeer outfit should not gloat too quickly, lest they find themselves outfitted in the dignity-robbing elf costume. The elf is a mess of green felt and buttons. Depending on the complexity of the costume, you may suffer the additional embarrassments of a ‘jolly’ red cap, bells that ‘jingle-jangle’ or a shiny black belt which holds up purely imaginary trousers. Either way, you will look like a Year Two art project unless you make short work of this costume. Thankfully, if you have ever employed a vertical surface to scratch an itch, you can escape this costume with little difficulty. We suggest the following techniques:

      1 Find a solid, free-standing object or a sturdy wall where you can work unobserved by your costumer.

      2 Begin rubbing the costume against the wall, slowly at first, and then more forcefully. At the same time, use your paw to tug the bottom of the costume towards the floor.

      3 The snaps holding the felt costume around your shoulders should give, freeing you.

      4 If you are wearing a cap, you may use the removal techniques listed above (for antlers) or below (for hats). (See fig C.)

       Fig. C

      Important Note on Accoutrements

      If you are wearing bells, you MUST slip out of these PRIOR to your escape attempt! Bells telegraph your every move, and if you are to succeed in your escape you need to perform these manoeuvres in secrecy. Slip them off your paws as quickly and quietly as possible before proceeding.

      When you have removed both parts of the costume, resume with the final step:

       5. Shred the costume thoroughly. We suggest ripping each item into at least thirty-two smaller pieces. (See fig. D.) Chew on it, drool on it, but whatever you do, be thorough. You want to ensure that felt never touches your fur again.

       Fig. D

      ZORRO

      This humiliating outfit presents the twin challenges of hat and cape. Mastering the cape escape is a difficult task, but one well worth knowing. You can expect to encounter the cape again in Superman, Pimp Dog and most Elvis costumes.

       Fig. E

      1 Locate the draw strings, generally found under the muzzle, which allow your owner to tighten or loosen the cape. (See fig. E.)

      2 With your paw, bat the string into your mouth. This will take some effort.

      3 Pull on string. The cape will fall to the floor.

      4 To remove the hat, rub your head furiously against a piece of furniture until the hat is knocked entirely askew. Continue, working the hat free from your head, until it is on the floor.

      5 Urinate on hat. Urinate on cape. (See fig. F.)

       Fig. F

      HIPPIE

      This costume is essentially nothing more than a brightly coloured, modified elf costume, but it’s far more degrading. You’ll want to remove the hat and wig first. Unless you have previous experience with Velcro, the rest of the outfit will take more time.

      1 Lie on your back.

      2 Wriggle and nip at the outfit. Remember to use your teeth – they’re your best resource. If you hear what sounds vaguely like a bag of treats opening as the outfit loosens, you’re doing well. (See fig. G.)

      3 With your dominant paw, bat at the hat/wig until it goes over your ears and off your head.

      4 Defecate on wig. (See