Skulduggery Pleasant: Books 1 - 12. Derek Landy

a boat in the will, didn’t he? How did they like that?”

      “Fergus went all quiet and Beryl started squeaking.”

      Echo-Gordon laughed and clapped his hands. “Oh, I wish I could have been there. That would have certainly been something to see. We have some family, eh?”

      “You’re telling me. In fact, there’s a family reunion tomorrow night.”

      “Really? Oh that’s wonderful! Will you bring me?”

      “Uh … what? Gordon, you’re dead.”

      “Just put the stone in your pocket, then leave me in an empty room so I can gaze out at all the Edgleys and laugh. Or maybe I’ll pretend to be a ghost and haunt Beryl.”

      “That’s incredibly mature of you, but I don’t think I’ll be going. Saving the world tomorrow night, so …”

      “Ah, of course. But if you change your mind …”

      She grinned. “I’ll bring you, I promise. So, what is this room? What are all these things?”

      All of a sudden his chest puffed out. “These, my dear niece, are objects of great magical and historical relevance. The items you see on the shelves around you are so rare, many a collector would kill to get their hands on them. And I mean that, quite seriously. There is a woman—”

      “China Sorrows?”

      “You’ve met her then. Yes, China. If she knew about the existence of this little horde, she would stop at nothing to get it. So it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to mention it to her. You know, I was in love with her for quite some time.”

      “Everyone’s in love with China.”

      “Ah yes, but my love was stronger and true. I think she knew that, and I think, in her own way, she loved me as much as I loved her. Or loved Gordon as much as he loved … no, as much as I loved … she loved Gordon as much as I loved her. Or something.”

      “Are … are you sure you’re OK?”

      “Just having a small existential crisis, nothing to worry about.” He paused, seemed to reflect for a moment and then brightened. “So Skulduggery has taken you under his wing, has he? You’ll be safe with him. He’s one of the good guys.”

      “Yes, he is. I’m learning all kinds of magic and he’s teaching me to fight … It’s dangerous, but I’m having a great time.”

      “I used to help him out on a few cases you know. Nothing big, just a few mysteries every now and then. I wasn’t really a throwing-punches kind of action hero, though. I was more into the research, tracking down things, people. So what are you working on now?”

      “We’re trying to track down this nutjob who escaped from prison, Baron Vengeous.”

      “Vengeous?” Echo-Gordon said. “He’s out?”

      “We think he wants to bring the Grotesquery to life.”

      Echo-Gordon’s eyes bulged. “The Grotesquery? That is quite unfair! I’ve been meaning to write a book about that whole thing and now I’m dead!”

      “That is very unfair,” Valkyrie said, nodding in agreement. “So do you know anything about it?”

      “A little, I suppose. I don’t have any books about it, but I know that it was put together from bits and pieces of some quite impressive creatures. I didn’t think it was possible to bring it to life though.”

      “We’re trying to figure that out too.”

      Echo-Gordon shook his head in awe. “Astounding. Genuinely astounding. It’s got a stinger apparently, from a Helaquin, and parts of a Shibbach were grafted on. From what I’ve read, Baron Vengeous had to rearrange its insides entirely, give it a whole new set of internal organs. The heart he gave it, from a Cú na Gealaí Duibhe, is on the right side, and lower than usual, about here.” He gestured to his own ribs.

      “If it does come back, would destroying its heart be enough to kill it?”

      “Oh, yes. Kill it stone dead.”

      “Then … that’s how we kill it, right? Simple.”

      “Not quite. Because most of it is comprised of a Faceless One, it will heal quickly. The stronger it gets, the faster it will heal until it suffers no injuries at all. It would take an awful lot to damage the Grotesquery while it’s at full strength, I’m afraid. Have you found it yet?”

      “No, we don’t even know where to start looking.”

      “You should ask the Torment.”

      “Who?”

      “A few years ago, I heard a rumour that a man called the Torment might know where the Grotesquery is hidden.”

      “The Torment? Not, like, Joey Torment or Sam Torment? An actual the?”

      “An actual the, yes. He’s probably dead by now if he even existed at all. It was just a rumour. You should ask Eachan Meritorious if he knows him.”

      “Um, actually, Meritorious is dead. So is Morwenna Crow. Sagacious Tome, too, but he betrayed the others, so I’m not sorry he’s dead.”

      “Oh, dear. Meritorious and Crow? That’s a lot of people dead. Is there anyone who isn’t dead?”

      “Uh … Ghastly Bespoke is a statue.”

      “Well, that’s something at least.”

      Valkyrie glanced at her watch. “I better go. Tanith’s waiting downstairs.”

      “Tanith?”

      “Tanith Low.”

      “Oh, I’ve heard of her. Never actually met her, but I’ve heard of her. You know my tale The All-Night Horror Show, from my short story collection? That was inspired by something I heard about her.”

      Valkyrie smiled. “I think she’d be delighted to know that.”

      Echo-Gordon gazed fondly at Valkyrie. “You’re suited to all this, you know. I helped Skulduggery for a time until I realised I didn’t like putting my life in danger. Sometimes I regret taking a step back. But you … I always knew you’d be cut out for this adventuring lark. It’s why everything was left to you in the will.”

      “Thanks for that by the way. It’s … amazing.”

      “Think nothing of it. How did Serpine die, anyway?”

      “Painfully.”

      Echo-Gordon grinned. “Oh, good.”

      The Bentley pulled up outside Gordon’s house just as Valkyrie was closing the door.

      “Are you all right?” Skulduggery asked as soon as he got out.

      “I told you on the phone, I’m OK. Tanith arrived just in time to save the day.”

      Skulduggery looked at Tanith. “Thank you.”

      “Val had it handled,” Tanith said with a shrug.

      “How did your top secret sneaky business go?” Valkyrie asked, eager to change the subject.

      Skulduggery hesitated. “This is a sensitive subject.”

      “We’re all friends here, aren’t we? So where’d you go?”

      “Well, I … I broke into the Sanctuary.”

      “I’m sorry, you what?”

      “What you were saying earlier, about how Thurid Guild is like a politician with people to please. It got me thinking. So I broke into his private chambers. I had a hunch.”

      Tanith stared at him. “That’s … that’s pretty dangerous, Skulduggery. If the Cleavers had caught