Skulduggery Pleasant: Books 1 - 12. Derek Landy

You took my straight razor, li’l darlin’. That I view as an unforgivable offence. So when the time comes, when you have served your purpose, I swear to you I’m gonna kill you for free.” And with that, Billy-Ray Sanguine disappeared into the ground. Then he popped his head back up.

      “Or at least half price.” And he was gone again.

      

      fter Valkyrie hung up the phone, she used the library bathroom to clean the dirt from her face. She dried her hands and watched them shake. Her hands always shook after a fight, as the leftover adrenaline took the opportunity to charge randomly through her.

      Tanith was waiting for her outside, and together they walked down the stairs. They were headed over to Gordon’s house, to see if her late uncle’s office held any books on the Grotesquery, and they were leaving Bliss to help China restore some order to her apartment. Valkyrie had never seen a brother and sister regard each other with as much wariness as they did.

      “How did Skulduggery sound?” Tanith asked.

      “Angry,” Valkyrie replied, “and worried. He’s only OK when I’m attacked by people he knows. He’d never even heard of this Sanguine guy.”

      “Still, at least we know how Vengeous got out of his cell.”

      Valkyrie nodded. “That little tunnelling trick is useful, all right. I just wish he wasn’t using it to get me. I don’t much like the idea of being a hostage. Doesn’t sound like fun.”

      They emerged into the open air, and approached Tanith’s motorbike.

      “So how’s training?” Tanith asked.

      “Good. Well, mostly good. There are a few moves I’ve kind of … mislaid.”

      “Mislaid?”

      “Forgotten.”

      Tanith smiled. “When this is over we’ll run through it again. You’ll get it, don’t worry. How’re the parents?”

      Valkyrie shrugged. “Parents are fine.”

      “Have you been going to school much?”

      “Ah, Skulduggery makes me go whenever we’re not in the middle of a crisis. But that’s the great thing about having the reflection – I don’t have to deal with all that.”

      Tanith pulled on her helmet then flipped up the visor to give Valkyrie a strange look. “I wouldn’t get too dependent on that reflection if I were you. You may absorb all its memories so it feels like you’re going to school, but you’re not. You’re on the outside, looking in at an important part of your own life. You’re thirteen, Val. You should be spending time with people your own age.” She swung her leg over the bike.

      Valkyrie raised an eyebrow as she pulled the spare helmet over her head. “People my own age don’t fight monsters, Tanith. If they did, I’d be hanging out with them a lot more.”

      Valkyrie got on the motorbike behind Tanith.

      The first time Valkyrie had ridden on Tanith’s bike she had started off holding the sides of Tanith’s coat, but as they picked up speed, her hands had got closer and closer together, until finally her arms were wrapped tightly around Tanith’s waist. Once she’d got over her initial fear – that they were roaring along open roads and one bad turn would flip them to a painful and skin-shredding demise – she’d started to enjoy the sensation. Now she loved travelling by bike. It was fun.

      Tanith swerved through traffic and took bends at an alarming speed, and Valkyrie started to laugh beneath her helmet.

      They turned off the road and took a trail, the ride getting decidedly bouncier. It was only Tanith’s superior reflexes that saved them from hitting one of the trees that blurred past. They burst from the treeline and shot up a small hill, leaving the ground for a few seconds and landing smoothly on a narrow road, then zipped over a humpbacked bridge. Moments later they were passing through the massive gate that led to Gordon Edgley’s house. Valkyrie still thought of it as her uncle’s house. The fact that she had inherited it changed absolutely nothing.

      Tanith braked and let the back wheel skid sideways a little, throwing up a small shower of pebbles. She cut off the engine and leaned the bike on to its kickstand. They got off and removed their helmets.

      “Enjoy that?” Tanith said with a little grin.

      Valkyrie grinned back, her eyes bright. “I keep telling Skulduggery he should get a bike.”

      “What does he say?”

      “He says people who wear leathers, like you, should ride motorbikes. People who wear exquisite suits, like him, should drive Bentleys.”

      “He has a point.” Tanith looked up at the house. “So are we going to go in?”

      Valkyrie laughed, took the key from her pocket and opened the front door. “I still find it hard to believe you’re a fan.”

      They walked in. The hall was grand, with Gothic paintings on the walls. They passed through into the living room.

      “Your uncle was the best writer ever,” Tanith said. “Why wouldn’t I be a fan?”

      “You just, I don’t know, you don’t really strike me as being the type. It’s like when your friend thinks that your dad is the coolest guy in the world, y’know? It just seems a little silly.”

      “Well, there was nothing silly about your uncle’s writing. Did I tell you that one of his short stories was based on something that happened to me?”

      “You told me. Many times.”

      “I never met him, but he must have heard about it somehow. Maybe Skulduggery heard it and he told Gordon.”

      Tanith stood in the centre of the living room, gazing around with a slightly wistful look on her face. “And this is where Gordon lived. This is where he wrote his masterpiece. You’re a lucky girl, Val. What was it like, having an uncle like Gordon Edgley?”

      “We’re not getting into this conversation,” Valkyrie said. “Not again.” She went to the bookshelf, took down a book bound in black and handed it to Tanith. Tanith bit her lip.

      And The Darkness Rained Upon Them was the last thing Gordon Edgley had written. It was set to be published in a few months, but Valkyrie had let Tanith read the advance copy. Every time Tanith was at the house, she devoured another few chapters until it was time to go. She loved coming here, and seized every chance she had to drop by.

      Without another word spoken, Tanith took the book to the sofa, curled up and resumed reading. Valkyrie tried not to laugh. She left the living room and climbed the stairs, crossing the landing to Gordon’s study and closing the door after her.

      Unlike the rest of the house, Gordon’s study was a chaotic affair, a mass of straining shelves and piles of stacked manuscripts. She went to the bookshelf that covered the far wall, scanning the titles. This was where he had kept his research material. Very occasionally, Valkyrie would find books on magic in this room that she hadn’t even been able to find in the library of China Sorrows.

      Valkyrie traced her finger along the spines. If anyone had collected information on a being as bizarre and unique as the Grotesquery, it would have been Gordon. That was his kind of thing.

      Her fingertip stopped on a thick, leather-bound book with no title on its spine. She’d seen it before but had never paid it much attention. She tried slipping it from the shelf but it wouldn’t budge. Frowning, she gripped it and pulled. It came out halfway