Skulduggery Pleasant: Books 1 - 12. Derek Landy

      “I’m gonna kill you,” Brobding the giant said in a rumbling bass line of a voice. “Want you to know, it’s nothing personal.”

      “That’s good to hear,” Skulduggery told him. “In which case, I’m going to knock you down and hit you with the pool table, and I want you to know, it’s nothing personal either.” Brobding laughed. They all laughed.

      Skulduggery stepped forward and splayed both his hands, and Brobding the giant hurtled off his feet and slammed into the far wall. Valkyrie snatched a pool cue off the table and broke it off the first pool player’s face. He went tumbling into the corner and the second player ran at her.

      Hokum Pete ran forward and threw a punch that Skulduggery didn’t even bother to block. He moved in past it and shoved, and Hokum collided with Deadfall.

      Lightning Dave’s whole body crackled with electricity, standing his hair on end and filling the room with the smell of ozone. He charged and Skulduggery kicked a bar stool. It hit Lightning Dave’s legs and he cursed and fell.

      The second pool player was trying to get his hands around Valkyrie’s throat. She kicked his shin and poked his eye, and he cried out. He swung wildly and her block couldn’t stop it, and his fist hit the side of her head. Skulduggery kicked Lightning Dave while he was trying to get up, and then Deadfall was on him. Skulduggery grabbed him and twisted, and Deadfall shrieked in a surprisingly high voice as he was hip-thrown to the dirty, sticky floor.

      The pool player picked Valkyrie up and slammed her on to the table. The breath rushed out of her. He raised her up again and once more slammed her down. She grabbed the 8-ball, and when he raised her up a third time she smacked the ball against his ear. He bellowed in pain and dropped.

      Skulduggery slammed his fists into Hokum Pete, then twisted his arm and sent him facefirst into the wall. Hokum Pete slumped to the ground. Deadfall roared as Skulduggery turned to him. The bar owner strained, the muscles in his neck knotting. His face turned red, his fists grew and distorted and turned into sledgehammers. Spittle flew as he laughed in triumph.

      Across the room, Valkyrie faced off against the pool player. He was rubbing his ear and he moved with a limp. He was squinting at her with one eye. “I’m gonna murder you,” he threatened unimpressively. She still had the 8-ball in her hand so she threw it. It struck the pool player right between the eyes and bounced away. The pool player stood there, a look of puzzlement on his face, then he fell to the floor and went to sleep.

      Valkyrie watched Deadfall slam one of those sledgehammer fists into Skulduggery’s side and Skulduggery stumbled back to the wall. Deadfall swung for his head but Skulduggery ducked, and the fist hit the wooden panelling and went through. Deadfall tried pulling it out but his fist wouldn’t budge. Skulduggery hit him. Hit him again.

      Deadfall twisted and turned and swung his other fist. It hit the wood panelling and stayed stuck. “Aw, no,” Deadfall whimpered.

      Skulduggery took careful aim and punched. Deadfall’s head rocked back and his body slumped against the wall. He would have fallen in a heap were his sledgehammer fists not keeping him upright.

      “Skulduggery,” Valkyrie warned. Brobding the giant was getting to his feet, and he looked angry.

      “Once again,” Skulduggery told him, “nothing personal.”

      Brobding growled and Skulduggery ran at him and jumped, his body spinning and his right foot snaking out. His kick caught Brobding right on the hinge of the jaw. Skulduggery landed and Brobding whirled and fell to one knee. Valkyrie stared at Skulduggery.

      “What?” he asked.

      “You kicked him,” she said. “But you don’t do those kind of kicks. Tanith does those kind of kicks.”

      “You’re impressed, aren’t you?” He put both hands flat against the side of the pool table and shrugged. “I’m probably your hero.”

      “Oh, shut up.”

      Brobding the giant looked around then the air rippled and the pool table shot across the room and crashed into him. The pool table tipped over on impact, the balls flying through the air, and Brobding was sent sprawling. He didn’t get up.

      “Well,” Valkyrie admitted, “you did warn him.”

      “That I did,” Skulduggery said, leaving through the door they had come in through. A moment later he returned, pushing Scapegrace ahead of him.

      “Hey, steady on!” Scapegrace yelled. “These shackles don’t make it easy to walk, you know!”

      Valkyrie looked at him. “You didn’t get very far, did you?”

      Scapegrace looked around at all the still bodies. “Oh, good,” he said unenthusiastically. “You beat them.”

      “Nice try.”

      He shrugged. “Forgot Deadfall owned the place, honest.”

      “The cellar,” Skulduggery said.

      “Behind the bar,” Scapegrace grumbled. Valkyrie went to the bar and peered over, saw the trapdoor. She nodded at Skulduggery.

      Skulduggery shackled Scapegrace to a pipe that ran along the wall to stop him from shuffling away. Valkyrie opened the trapdoor and Skulduggery went first, drawing his revolver. Valkyrie followed him down the wooden steps, closing the trapdoor behind them.

      The cellar was dimly lit and cold. The steps took them down into a badly wallpapered corridor. The carpet was worn, like a trail in a forest. One doorway led off to their right and another, a little further up, led off to their left. A small painting hung at an odd angle. It was a painting of a boat in a harbour. It wasn’t very good. At the end of the corridor was a living room. Music played. The End of the World, by the Carpenters. Holding the revolver in both hands, Skulduggery took the lead.

      The first room had a single bed and a set of drawers. Skulduggery stepped in, crossed to the bed and checked under it. Satisfied that the room was empty, he rejoined Valkyrie in the corridor. The second room had a toilet, a sink and a bath. None of these three were particularly clean, and there was nowhere for anyone to hide. They moved on towards the living room.

      There was a lamp, and it was on, but the bulb was fading. The closer they got, the more Valkyrie could see. She could see that the carpet didn’t match the wallpaper, and the curtains, which must have been added for aesthetic reasons because there certainly weren’t any windows down here, didn’t match anything.

      Skulduggery had his back to the corridor wall and was sliding soundlessly closer. Valkyrie did the same thing on the opposite wall, allowing herself a view of the room that Skulduggery couldn’t get. She saw two old-fashioned heaters, neither of which was turned on. She saw another painting, this time of a ship on a stormy sea. There was an armchair underneath the painting and a small table beside the armchair. No sign of the Torment though. They stopped moving and she shook her head at Skulduggery. He nodded, and stepped into the living room, sweeping his gun from one corner of the room to the other. He checked behind the armchair. Nothing.

      Valkyrie followed him in. On the other side of the room were a radio, a portable TV with a cracked screen and the record player that was playing the Carpenters. She parted the curtains, which led to nothing more interesting than a wall, and turned to tell Skulduggery that Scapegrace must have somehow warned the Torment, when she saw the old man glaring at her from the ceiling.

      He had long dirty hair and a long dirty beard. He dropped from the rafters on to Skulduggery and knocked him to the ground. The gun flew from Skulduggery’s hand and the old man grabbed it. Valkyrie threw herself sideways as he fired. The bullet hit the record player and the song cut off. Skulduggery twisted and pushed at the air, but the old man was already running through the corridor. Skulduggery scrambled up then stepped sideways as the old man fired twice more. Skulduggery peeked out to make sure it was clear and then ran after him.

      Valkyrie wasn’t entirely certain that her armoured clothes could stop a bullet. And what about her head?