Five European Plays. Tom Stoppard

You told me to find Weinberl and tell him—

      ZANGLER Don’t tell me what I told you—search her room. If she’s got out of her Scottish get-up, ten to one he’s up there trying it on. I’ll keep watch in the garden if I can find a place to hide.

      GERTRUD Stand in the herbaceous border.

       They leave in different directions. Weinberl comes out from behind the furniture and runs into the shop, looking for his clothes.

       Zangler’s shop.

       Weinberl enters, calling for Christopher. But he has only just entered when the trap door in the floor starts coming up and he dives into a cupboard, or perhaps under the counter. Sonders and Marie, dressed in a voluminous, tartan, hooded cape, emerge from the cellar.

      SONDERS It’s all right—it’s deserted—courage mon amour—

      MARIE Oh, August—we mustn’t—it’s not proper.

      SONDERS Now’s our chance—we can escape by the shop door while they’re searching round the back.

      MARIE Oh, but it’s not proper.

      SONDERS Don’t you love me?

      MARIE You know I love you but I don’t want to run away—

      SONDERS Elopement isn’t running away, it’s running towards.

      MARIE It’s not proper.

      SONDERS Is it proper for your guardian to behave as if he owns you?

      MARIE Yes. That’s why they call it property. I think. Oh, August, you’re a terrible man, kiss me again. You made me feel all funny down there.

       He embraces her, more inside her cape than out.

      SONDERS Oh, Marie!

      MARIE I mean in the cellar—Oh, somebody’s coming!

      SONDERS Hide in here!

      MARIE No, it isn’t prop—!

       He dives into Weinberl’s cupboard, pulling her after him. Christopher enters from a second door with Weinberl’s clothes, calling for him and running out of the shop. The cupboard door bursts open. Marie comes out, Sonders comes out and Weinberl’s legs come out. Weinberl is lying on his front.

      SONDERS Someone has been eavesdropping on us—

      MARIE I thought it was a squash in there.

       Sonders drags Weinberl out by his heels, or spurs. He and Marie are aghast to find that Zangler seems to be lying on the floor with his face still in the cupboard.

       Sonders and Marie kneel down and bow their heads as Weinberl gets unsteadily to his feet. Weinberl gazes down on to the crowns of their heads.

      MARIE Oh, my uncle!

      SONDERS Oh, my God—Herr Zangler!

      MARIE Don’t be angry, dear Uncle, I meant no harm.

      SONDERS She’s blameless, sir, intact I swear, I mean in fact I swear she did it against her will.

      MARIE I didn’t do it!

      SONDERS No she didn’t—I haven’t—Oh, sir, it was love that drove us to deceive you!

       They are kissing Weinberl’s hands.

      MARIE Won’t you speak to me, Uncle? Your harshest words are easier to bear than the silence of your anger.

       Weinberl, deeply embarrassed, disengages his hands and pats the two heads.

      SONDERS What do you …?

      MARIE Do you mean …?

       They try to raise their heads but Weinberl firmly keeps their heads down and presses them together.

      SONDERS He’s blessing our union.

       Weinberl guides their faces into a lingering kiss during which he is able to retire, silently, from the room.

      SONDERS Marie!

      MARIE Oh, August! Oh, Uncle, you’ve made me so … Where has he gone?

      SONDERS What a surprising man he is! Beneath his rough manners he is the very soul of tact.

      MARIE (getting up) I always knew he was shy underneath.

      SONDERS Let me kiss you again.

      MARIE You can kiss me properly now!

       They go into another lingering kiss, during which Zangler enters. He has a silent apoplexy. At length Sonders notices him.

      SONDERS (suavely) Ah, there you are, my dear sir, we were wondering where you’d got to.

      ZANGLER (strangled) Sonders! (A couple of buttons fly off his uniform.)

      MARIE Oh, you must call him August now—you’re going to be such friends—isn’t he handsome?

      ZANGLER I’ll kill him.

      MARIE Uncle, but you just—

      ZANGLER Slut!

      SONDERS My dear sir, what can have happened?

      ZANGLER You blackguard! You barefaced dastardly—

      SONDERS He’s mad.

       Gertrud enters.

      GERTRUD (placidly) Oh, you’ve found them.

      MARIE Oh, Uncle, you’re not yourself …

      ZANGLER I’ll make you eat your words, you ungrateful little Messalina!

      GERTRUD Make you eat your semolina you ungrateful little—

      ZANGLER (screams) Shut up!

      MARIE Oh … (She runs weeping from the room.)

      SONDERS Marie!

      GERTRUD She’s upset, I can tell.

       Gertrud exits, following Marie.

      SONDERS This is absurd—I’ll come back when you’re feeling calmer.

       Zangler chases Sonders out.

      ZANGLER You dare to show your nose in here again and I’ll cut off your coquette to spite your face! And furthermore I’ll disinherit her!

       This takes Zangler out of the room. Weinberl, in his own clothes, and Christopher reappear. They are gleeful.

      WEINBERL Christopher … Did you hear that?

      CHRISTOPHER (looking down the street) He’s still running. I don’t think he’ll ever come back.

      WEINBERL Oh my! I feel like a real rapscallion. We’re on the razzle at last!

       They embrace.

       Enter Weinberl riding horse, Christopher leading