Five European Plays. Tom Stoppard

All included.

      MELCHIOR Ah, board and lodging. How about sharing a bed?

      ZANGLER I won’t countenance immorality.

      MELCHIOR Own bed. As for the board, at my last place it was groaning fit to bust, the neighbours used to bang on the walls.

      ZANGLER I assure you, no one goes hungry here: soup, beef, pudding, all the trimmings.

      MELCHIOR Classic. I always have coffee with my breakfast.

      ZANGLER It has never been the custom here for the servant to have coffee.

      MELCHIOR You wouldn’t like me to drink liquor from the stock.

      ZANGLER Certainly not.

      MELCHIOR I should prefer to avoid the temptation.

      ZANGLER I’m glad to hear it.

      MELCHIOR Agreed, then.

      ZANGLER What? Well, if you do a good job … coffee then.

      MELCHIOR From the pot?

      ZANGLER Ad liberandum.

      MELCHIOR Is that yes or no?

      ZANGLER Yes.

      MELCHIOR Sounds classic. Was there anything else you wanted to ask me?

      ZANGLER No … I don’t think so.

      MELCHIOR Well, that seems satisfactory. You won’t regret this, sir—I have always parted with my employers on the best of terms.

      ZANGLER You have never been sacked?

      MELCHIOR Technically, yes, but only after I have let it be known by subtle neglect of my duties that the job has run its course.

      ZANGLER That’s very considerate.

      MELCHIOR I don’t like to cause offence by giving notice—in a servant it looks presumptuous.

      ZANGLER That shows modesty.

      MELCHIOR Your humble servant, sir.

      ZANGLER Yes, all right.

      MELCHIOR Classic!

      ZANGLER Only you’ll have to stop using that word. It’s stupid.

      MELCHIOR There’s nothing stupid about the word. It’s just the way some people use it without discrimination.

      ZANGLER Do they?

      MELCHIOR Oh yes. It’s absolutely classic. What are my duties?

      ZANGLER Your duties are the duties of a servant. To begin with you can make my old uniform look like new—and if that tailor shows his face tell him to go to hell.

      Enter tailor, HUPFER. Hupfer brings with him Zangler’s new uniform on a tailor’s dummy. The complete rig-out includes a ridiculous hat with feathers etc., polished riding boots with monstrous shining and very audible spurs, and the uniform itself which is top heavy with gold buttons and braid etc. Leather strapping supports holsters for knife, gun, sword … The general effect is sporting and musical. The new uniform is brighter than the old, which is bright. The tailor is only responsible for the clothes. The rest of the stuff is already in the room.

      HUPFER Here we are—the masterpiece is ready.

      ZANGLER You managed it, my dear Hupfer! In the nick of time.

      MELCHIOR Go to hell.

      ZANGLER Shut up!

      MELCHIOR (to the dummy) Shut up!

      HUPFER Well, with the help of two journeyman tailors I have done the impossible—let me help you into it.

      MELCHIOR Too small.

      HUPFER (reacts to Melchior) I see you have a new servant, Herr Zangler.

      ZANGLER (cheerfully) Oh yes. I woke up this morning feeling like a new man. So I got one.

      HUPFER Trousers.

      MELCHIOR Too tight.

      HUPFER (wary distaste) He’s a personal servant, is he?

      ZANGLER Yes, he is a bit, but I like to give youth a chance and then I like to kick it down the stairs if it doesn’t watch its lip.

      MELCHIOR I worked for a tailor once. I cooked his goose for him.

      HUPFER There we are.

      MELCHIOR Everything went well until I got confused and goosed his cook.

      ZANGLER Pay attention. You may learn something.

      MELCHIOR After that he got a valet stand.

      ZANGLER You’ll see how a trouser should fit … except it’s a bit tight isn’t it?

       It is more than a bit tight.

      HUPFER Snug.

      ZANGLER Snug? I’d be in trouble if I knelt down. I’m thinking of my nuptials.

      HUPFER It’s the pressing.

      ZANGLER Exactly. I don’t want them pressed.

      HUPFER Try the tunic.

      ZANGLER I like the frogging.

      HUPFER Can we please keep our minds on the tunic. Now let me help you.

      ZANGLER It’s somewhat constricted, surely.

      HUPFER That’s the style.

      ZANGLER But it’s cutting me under the arms, the buttons will fly off when I sit down, and I can’t breathe.

      HUPFER It’s a uniform, it is not supposed to be a nightshirt.

      ZANGLER I don’t understand it. You took my measurements.

      MELCHIOR Well that explains it. If God had been a tailor there’d be two and a half feet to the yard and the world would look like a three-cornered hat …

      ZANGLER And it’s a day late.

      MELCHIOR And it would have been a day late. We’d all be on an eight-day week.

      ZANGLER Shut up.

      MELCHIOR (to the dummy) Shut up.

      ZANGLER I suppose it will have to do, at a pinch. How do I look?

      MELCHIOR I’d rather not say.

      ZANGLER I order you—how do I look?

      MELCHIOR Classic.

      ZANGLER Shut up!

      MELCHIOR (to Hupfer) Shut up!

      HUPFER You dare to let your servant speak to me like that?

      MELCHIOR In the livery of the Zanglers I am no man’s minion.

      ZANGLER That’s well said. What’s your name?