Valentine M'Clutchy, The Irish Agent. William Carleton

wretchedly, shamefully deficient in roads—both public and private. In the next place, there are many rents left unpaid, through the inability of the people, which we could get paid by the making of these roads, and other county arrangements, which the ill-thinking call jobs. In the third and last place, he has on his property no magistrate friendly to his aforesaid interests, and who would devote himself to them with suitable energy and zeal. Indeed, with regard to the murmurings and heart-burnings alluded to, I fear that such a magistrate will soon become a matter of necessity. There is a bad spirit rising and getting abroad, wherever it came from—and you know, my dear M'Slime, that it could not proceed from either you or me. You know that—you feel it. Now, what I would propose is this—Lord Cumber has sufficient interest with the government, to have me—all-unworthy as I am—appointed a magistrate. Let the government but hint to the chancellor, and the thing is done. In that event, instead of giving him this large sum of money as a loan, let it go as a per contra to my appointment to the bench. And there is another consideration by no means to be overlooked, which is, that by this arrangement the government would be certain to have in the commission a man who would prove himself one of the precise class which they stand in need of—that is, a useful man, devoted to their wishes.

      “Now, my dear M'Slime, I mention this to you with all the confidence of unshaken friendship. From you these representations will go to his lordship with a much better grace than they would from me. Tell him in your own peculiar way, that he shall have the two thousand for the magistracy. That is my first object as his friend—this once obtained, I have no doubt of seeing myself, ere long, a member of the grand panel, and capable of serving him still more extensively.

      “Believe me to be, “My dear M'Slime, &c, “Valentine M'Clutchy.

      “P.S.—I heard you once express a wish about a certain farm—but mum's the word—only this, I have something in my eye for you.”

      Solomon M'Slime to the Right Hon. Lord Cumber:—

      “My Gracious Lord:

      “I, of course, cannot look upon the condition you annex to the appointment of the agent as unreasonable, although my friend M'Clutchy insists, he says, for the honor of the aristocracy, that it was a mistake on your lordship's part, and that a loan only was meant. Be this as it may, I humbly hope a thought has been vouchsafed to me, by which the matter may, under Providence, assume a more agreeable character for all parties. Last night, my Lord, immediately after family worship, I found myself much refreshed in mind, but rather jaded in my poor sinful body, after the fatigues of the day—for, indeed, I had ridden a good deal since morning. However, I desired Susanna—a pious young person, who acts as children's maid, and understands my habits—to procure me a little hot water and sugar, into which, out of a necessary regard for health, which is imposed as a duty on us all, I poured a little brandy, partly for sustainment and partly to qualify the water. Having swallowed a little of this I found the two principles combine together, almost like kindred spirits, and consequently experienced both nourishment and edification from the draught. It was then, my Lord, that it was given me to turn my mind upon the transaction alluded to, I mean the condition of paying two thousand pounds for the privilege of managing your property. Indeed the thing was vouchsafed to me in this light;—your property, my Lord, is not represented in the grand panel of the county, which is certainly a serious loss to you, as there is no one here to advocate your interests, especially since poor Mr. Deaker's infirmities (would that they were all only of the body!) have caused him to attend the grand jury less frequently. Many arrangements might be advantageously made, by which your lordship would indirectly benefit;—that is, the money, so to speak, might be made to go into one pocket, in order that it should be transferred to yours. Then you have not; a magistrate in your estates devoted to your special interests, as you ought to have; this is a very necessary thing, my Lord, and to which I humbly endeavor to direct your attention. Again, my Lord, you have no magistrate of true Protestant and Ascendancy principles, who from time to time, might manifest to the government that you did not forget their interests no more than your own. Now, my Lord, what man can be, or is better qualified to serve your Lordship in all these capacities than that staunch and unflinching Protestant, Mr. Val M'Clutchy? In what individual could the commission of the peace more appropriately or worthily rest than in your own agent? I therefore beg your lordship to turn this in your mind, and if advised by one so humble, I would suggest the trial of a short prayer previous to entering on it. Should you exert your influence for that purpose with the government, the gracious, I trust I may call it so—appointment—would be immediately made, and I think I know the grateful disposition of Mr. M'Clutchy sufficiently well to assure your lordship, that from a thorough Christian sense of your kindness, the two thousand pounds will be, on that condition, placed in your lordship's hands.

      “I have the honor to be, my Lord, “Solomon M'Slime.

      “P.S. Mr. M'Clutchy is ignorant that a suggestion so well calculated to advance the best interests of general religion, has been graciously intimated to one so unworthy as I am.”

      Lord Cumber to Solomon M'Slime, Esq:—

      “It is done—a bargain—I have arranged the business here with the secretary, and am obliged to you, my sleek little saint, for suggesting it; I wonder M'Clutchy himself did not think of it. I feel glad the old leases have dropped, for I am sure, that between you and him, you will take out of these farms all that can be taken. Of course M'Clutchy and you are at liberty to revive anything you like, provided it be done properly. What is it to me, who never go there? I do believe Hickman was not merely an easy fellow, but a fool; as to glove-money—Healing-money—duty-fowls—and duty-work—I tell you again, provided you increase my remittances, and work the cash out of these fellows, you may insist upon as many of them as you can get.

      “Yours,

      “CUMBER.

      “P.S.—What, my little saint, did you mean by that charitable blunder, concerning the widow, in your last letter? I never knew before that a woman was a widow merely because her husband was transported, as he ought to be, for sheep stealing, or because he happened to live, by compulsion, in another country. However, no matter; give her, for me, whatever you think proper, and add it to your bill of costs, as you will do.

      “Cumber.”

      Solomon M'Slime, Esq., to Lord Cumber:—

      “My Gracious Lord:

      “As I have never intentionally varied from truth, I could not bear even for a moment to seem to fall into the opposite principle. I was certainly very busy on the day I had the honor and privilege of writing to your lordship, and much distressed both in mind and heart, by the woeful backsliding of a member of our congregation. On looking over the copy of the letter, however, I perceive one thing that is gratifying to me. My Lord, I made no mistake. It is not, perhaps, known to your Lordship that there are two descriptions of widows—the real and the vegetable; that is, the widow by death, and the widow by local separation from her husband. Indeed the latter is a class that requires as much sustainment and comfort as the other—being as they are, more numerous, and suffering all the privations of widowhood, poor things, except its reality. The expression, my Lord, is figurative, and taken from the agricultural occupation of ploughing; for whenever one animal is unyoked for any other purpose, such as travelling a journey or the like, the other is forthwith turned into some park or grassy paddock, and indeed generally enjoys more comfortable times than if still with the yoke-fellow; for which reason the return of the latter is seldom very earnestly desired by the other. I am happy to tell you, my Lord, that some very refreshing revivals in the religious world have recently occurred here, such as I trust will cause true religion to spread and be honored in the land; but on the other hand, I fear that Satan is at work among many evil designing persons on your Lordship's inheritance in this our neighborhood. Of this, however, that good and conscientious man Mr. M'Clutchy, will, I doubt not, give you all proper information and advice.

      “I have the honor to be, my Lord with profound humility, “Your Lordship's unworthy servant, “Solomon M'Slime.”

      Valentine M'Clutchy, Esq., J. P., to Lord Cumber:—

      “My Lord:

      “In