60 Plays: The George Bernard Shaw Edition (Illustrated). GEORGE BERNARD SHAW

— as cool as possible. Me a scounderl, mind you! And then shook ‘ands with me on it, as if it was to my credit! Do you mean to tell me that that man’s sane?

      MORELL. (outside, calling to Proserpine, holding the door open). Get all their names and addresses, Miss Garnett.

      PROSERPINE (in the distance). Yes, Mr. Morell.

      (Morell comes in, with the deputation’s documents in his hands.)

      BURGESS (aside to Marchbanks). Yorr he is. Just you keep your heye on him and see. (Rising momentously.) I’m sorry, James, to ‘ave to make a complaint to you. I don’t want to do it; but I feel I oughter, as a matter o’ right and duty.

      MORELL. What’s the matter?

      BURGESS. Mr. Morchbanks will bear me out: he was a witness. (Very solemnly.) Your young woman so far forgot herself as to call me a silly ole fat ‘ead.

      MORELL (delighted — with tremendous heartiness). Oh, now, isn’t that EXACTLY like Prossy? She’s so frank: she can’t contain herself! Poor Prossy! Ha! Ha!

      BURGESS (trembling with rage). And do you hexpec me to put up with it from the like of ‘ER?

      MORELL. Pooh, nonsense! you can’t take any notice of it. Never mind. (He goes to the cellaret and puts the papers into one of the drawers.)

      BURGESS. Oh, I don’t mind. I’m above it. But is it RIGHT? — that’s what I want to know. Is it right?

      MORELL. That’s a question for the Church, not for the laity. Has it done you any harm, that’s the question for you, eh? Of course, it hasn’t. Think no more of it. (He dismisses the subject by going to his place at the table and setting to work at his correspondence.)

      BURGESS (aside to Marchbanks). What did I tell you? Mad as a ‘atter. (He goes to the table and asks, with the sickly civility of a hungry man) When’s dinner, James?

      MORELL. Not for half an hour yet.

      BURGESS (with plaintive resignation). Gimme a nice book to read over the fire, will you, James: thur’s a good chap.

      MORELL. What sort of book? A good one?

      BURGESS (with almost a yell of remonstrance). Nah-oo! Summat pleasant, just to pass the time. (Morell takes an illustrated paper from the table and offers it. He accepts it humbly.) Thank yer, James. (He goes back to his easy chair at the fire, and sits there at his ease, reading.)

      MORELL (as he writes). Candida will come to entertain you presently. She has got rid of her pupil. She is filling the lamps.

      MARCHBANKS (starting up in the wildest consternation). But that will soil her hands. I can’t bear that, Morell: it’s a shame. I’ll go and fill them. (He makes for the door.)

      MORELL. You’d better not. (Marchbanks stops irresolutely.) She’d only set you to clean my boots, to save me the trouble of doing it myself in the morning.

      BURGESS (with grave disapproval). Don’t you keep a servant now, James?

      MORELL. Yes; but she isn’t a slave; and the house looks as if I kept three. That means that everyone has to lend a hand. It’s not a bad plan: Prossy and I can talk business after breakfast whilst we’re washing up. Washing up’s no trouble when there are two people to do it.

      MARCHBANKS (tormentedly). Do you think every woman is as coarse-grained as Miss Garnett?

      BURGESS (emphatically). That’s quite right, Mr. Morchbanks. That’s quite right. She IS corse-grained.

      MORELL (quietly and significantly). Marchbanks!

      MARCHBANKS. Yes.

      MORELL. How many servants does your father keep?

      MARCHBANKS. Oh, I don’t know. (He comes back uneasily to the sofa, as if to get as far as possible from Morell’s questioning, and sits down in great agony of mind, thinking of the paraffin.)

      MORELL. (very gravely). So many that you don’t know. (More aggressively.) Anyhow, when there’s anything coarse-grained to be done, you ring the bell and throw it on to somebody else, eh? That’s one of the great facts in YOUR existence, isn’t it?

      MARCHBANKS. Oh, don’t torture me. The one great fact now is that your wife’s beautiful fingers are dabbling in paraffin oil, and that you are sitting here comfortably preaching about it — everlasting preaching, preaching, words, words, words.

      BURGESS (intensely appreciating this retort). Ha, ha! Devil a better. (Radiantly.) ‘Ad you there, James, straight.

      (Candida comes in, well aproned, with a reading lamp trimmed, filled, and ready for lighting. She places it on the table near Morell, ready for use.)

      CANDIDA (brushing her finger tips together with a slight twitch of her nose). If you stay with us, Eugene, I think I will hand over the lamps to you.

      MARCHBANKS. I will stay on condition that you hand over all the rough work to me.

      CANDIDA. That’s very gallant; but I think I should like to see how you do it first. (Turning to Morell.) James: you’ve not been looking after the house properly.

      MORELL. What have I done — or not done — my love?

      CANDIDA (with serious vexation). My own particular pet scrubbing brush has been used for blackleading. (A heartbreaking wail bursts from Marchbanks. Burgess looks round, amazed. Candida hurries to the sofa.) What’s the matter? Are you ill, Eugene?

      MARCHBANKS. No, not ill. Only horror, horror, horror! (He bows his head on his hands.)

      BURGESS (shocked). What! Got the ‘orrors, Mr. Morchbanks! Oh, that’s bad, at your age. You must leave it off grajally.

      CANDIDA (reassured). Nonsense, papa. It’s only poetic horror, isn’t it, Eugene? (Petting him.)

      BURGESS (abashed). Oh, poetic ‘orror, is it? I beg your pordon, I’m shore. (He turns to the fire again, deprecating his hasty conclusion.)

      CANDIDA. What is it, Eugene — the scrubbing brush? (He shudders.) Well, there! never mind. (She sits down beside him.) Wouldn’t you like to present me with a nice new one, with an ivory back inlaid with mother-of-pearl?

      MARCHBANKS (softly and musically, but sadly and longingly). No, not a scrubbing brush, but a boat — a tiny shallop to sail away in, far from the world, where the marble floors are washed by the rain and dried by the sun, where the south wind dusts the beautiful green and purple carpets. Or a chariot — to carry us up into the sky, where the lamps are stars, and don’t need to be filled with paraffin oil every day.

      MORELL (harshly). And where there is nothing to do but to be idle, selfish and useless.

      CANDIDA (jarred). Oh, James, how could you spoil it all!

      MARCHBANKS (firing up). Yes, to be idle, selfish and useless: that is to be beautiful and free and happy: hasn’t every man desired that with all his soul for the woman he loves? That’s my ideal: what’s yours, and that of all the dreadful people who live in these hideous rows of houses? Sermons and scrubbing brushes! With you to preach the sermon and your wife to scrub.

      CANDIDA (quaintly). He cleans the boots, Eugene. You will have to clean them tomorrow for saying that about him.

      MARCHBANKS. Oh! don’t talk about boots. Your feet should be beautiful on the mountains.

      CANDIDA. My feet would not be beautiful on the Hackney Road without boots.

      BURGESS (scandalized). Come, Candy, don’t be vulgar. Mr. Morchbanks ain’t accustomed to it. You’re givin’ him the ‘orrors again. I mean the poetic ones.

      (Morell is silent. Apparently he is busy with his letters: really he is puzzling with misgiving over his new and alarming experience that the surer he is of his moral thrusts, the more swiftly and effectively Eugene parries them. To find himself beginning to fear a man whom he does not respect affects him bitterly.)

      (Miss Garnett