The Dead Fathers Club. Matt Haig

said No.

      Mrs Fell said What do you think she would think?

      think

      think

      I said That Im stupid.

      Mrs Fell said So why did you tell me?

      I looked at her arm. It had freckles on it and soft little hairs and I wanted to touch her skin but I didnt.

      I said I dont know.

      Mrs Fell said You said your Dads Ghost was angry. What do you think he was angry about?

      I thought this was a weird question because Mrs Fell didnt believe in my Dads Ghost so why did she care about what he was angry about but I didnt tell her the truth I just said I dont know.

      Then Mrs Fell asked another weird question which was When did you last see your fathers ghost?

      And I said I havent seen him since Hadrians Wall.

      She smiled like I had given her the Right Answer.

      Angelfish

      All fish are the same and no fish are better than other fish really but if there is a best fish it is the Angelfish. The Angelfish I have is six inches big and it has blue and yellow stripes on its body which is round and flat. The proper name for the Angelfish is in my book on tropical fish and it is Holocanthus ciliaris which is Latin like the Romans spoke but the name I call her is Gertie which is short for GERTRUDE which is a funny name.

      Angelfish are hard fish to have because they are fussy and have to have water between 80 and 82 degrees FAHRENHEIT for them to stay alive or they melt or freeze. I only have one Angelfish which is bad because Angelfish are better in twos because they have a mate and stay with them for life.

      The Angelfish I have is from the

      AMAZON RIVER BASIN

      in South America which has very warm water like in my tank.

      Angelfish come from a family called Chaetodontidae. I dont think fish know they have such long names.

      The best thing about Angelfish is that even when they are big they can disappear because they are so flat that when they face you you cant see them even though they are right in front of you.

      The Men Who Smashed the Pub

      The noise came into my dream.

      In my dream I was playing Football on a hill and I was playing against the whole Football team and I was really good like when I was in Primary School but the pitch was becoming steeper like a hill and every time I kicked the ball it went back into my goal or for a corner and I was losing 20 nil. Dad was referee and I tried to tell him about the pitch being a hill getting steeper but he said Bad footballers blame the pitch Philip. Bad footballers blame the pitch.

      And then I heard the school bell in my dream but it wasnt really a school bell and the pitch went very steep like a trap door opening and I fell and landed in bed.

      It was still dark and my alarm clock said 04:27 and I heard the noise again. It was downstairs. It was a smash and tinkle noise like someone breaking glass.

      I got up and out of bed and out of my room in the dark.

      I went downstairs on the bit of the stairs closest to the wall because it doesnt squeak and I walked down and there was another smash noise but it wasnt a window. I waited on the stairs and I didnt know what to do and I saw Dads Ghost for the first time since Hadrians Wall and Dads Ghost said Stop them.

      I said How?

      He said Scream.

      I said I dont want to.

      He said Scream.

      I said I dont want to.

      He said SCREAM.

      I said I DONT WANT TO!!!!!!

      And the men smashing up the Pub must have heard me because they said something and I saw one of them through the wobbly glass in the door and he was wearing all black even on his face which is called a

      balaclava

      and then they ran out of the Pub and my body couldnt move not even my fingers and the next thing Mum was behind me at the top of the stairs with her sleepy hair and her hand on the front of her neck and a scared face.

      She ran down the stairs past me and past Dads Ghost without noticing him or me and I didnt hear anything for a second and then her voice through the door said Bastards the bastards the fucking bastards.

      And then my Dads Ghost went to be with her and I went too and that is when I saw the Pub.

      The Pub was all smashed all the bottles and the door and the till was open and all the money was gone. Mum was sitting under the till on the floor behind the bar.

      Dads Ghost was there and he said Tell her to stand up.

      I said Why?

      Mum didnt notice me talking to no one.

      Dads Ghost said Shes going to cut herself on the glass.

      I said Mum stand up. Youre going to cut yourself on the glass.

      She looked at me as if she hadnt known I was there and then she stood up and she was shaking.

      Dads Ghost said Tell her to phone the police.

      I said Shall I phone the police?

      Mum said No. No. Ill do it.

      And she walked between the smashed glass with her bare feet and when she was on the phone Dads Ghost said They must have changed their minds.

      I said What?

      And he said They must have put it back a month. But it was definitely them Philip.

      I said Yes and I said to myself I was going to believe in Dads Ghost from now on.

      Barbarism

      The next day when I got home Uncle Alan was there putting wood in the smashed window and banging nails.

      He said All right son.

      The word son itched me inside and I looked at the black on his hands that he never washed off and I thought it will be hard to kill someone with massive hands who hammers in nails really hard. His hands are as big as Queen Angelfish which is the biggest type of Angelfish and too big for my tank.

      I went upstairs and Mum was making tea in the kitchen.

      I tried to act normal and so I had my book on The Romans in Britain by Graham Fortune but I could only read one sentence. The sentence was

      For the Roman soldier Hadrian’s Wall was more than just a defence against the Caledonian tribes – it also represented the dividing line between the known world of order and civilisation, and the unknown world of chaos and barbarism.

      I didnt know what barbarism meant. It sounded like something to do with haircuts but that didnt sound right. The picture in the book showed the tribes with long messy hair and the Romans with short hair or helmets so maybe barbarism was to do with haircuts.

      I couldnt read any more so I fed my fish.

      I had just finished feeding them and I was watching the five Guppies and I was watching them come to the surface and take the biggest flakes which are too big for them. Then the Neons below them fed on the bits that dropped out of the Guppies mouths and fell slowly through the water. And I was sitting on the bed and watching the flakes and rubbing the smell of them off on my trousers and I saw Dads Ghost in the glass.

      I turned round and he said Hi son.

      His face was sadder than it was before and I knew it was because he had spent all the time in the Terrors.

      Then he said Im sorry.

      I said Why?

      He