The Dead Fathers Club. Matt Haig

why he will stay with us for the time being. Under special conditions of course.

      Mum lost her posh voice and said Special conditions? What special conditions?

      And I didnt hear the first special conditions because I was looking at my bendy shape in one of the trophies on the shelf on the wall. But Mum said later the special conditions were that I had to see the school counsellor once a week but that was all right because the school counsellor was Mrs Fell who is a counsellor as well as a Teacher.

      And then I stopped looking at the trophy and I heard Mrs Palefort still talking saying But obviously if these difficulties CONtinue we may have to consider the option of a PUPIL REFERRAL UNIT which could mean taking Philip out of school altogether. But I am sure as time goes by Philip will start to find himself better adjusted to our school environment and I doubt we will see any more incidents involving school mini buses. Dont you Philip?

      She wanted a Yes so I gave her one.

      Rudyard Kipling

      Mrs Fell taught us about the First World War and about a man called Archduke Franz Ferdinand. He got shot and that is how the War started and then millions and millions of men died because of that and that means there are millions and millions of ghosts all over Europe of soldiers and only one ghost of Archduke Ferdinand and I bet the soldier ghosts get cross with him.

      Mrs Fell gave us a printed sheet of Facts about the War and at the top of the Facts were some words by a man called Rudyard Kipling who is famous because of The Jungle Book which I watched when I was little but dont watch now because Im too old and because it is on video not DVD and it has Baloo the Bear singing Yes its true I want to be like you who who and the words on the sheet said

      ‘If any question why we died,

      Tell them, because our fathers lied.’

      Common Form, ‘Epitaphs of the War (1914–1918)’

      Rudyard Kipling (1865–1936)

      I didnt know what Epitaphs meant or Common Form but I liked the words at the top because my father lied about people coming to the Pub and I didnt die but I did get into BIG TROUBLE. And the words told me that I should tell the truth about Dads Ghost lying and telling me to take the mini bus. Later that day I was with Mrs Fell again and she wasnt my Teacher now she was my counsellor but she looked the same except her head was more sideways when she was my counsellor.

      She asked me Why did you do it Philip?

      I said Because my father lied.

      She said What?

      And I said If any question why we died tell them because our fathers lied.

      She looked at me for a long while with a very sideways head but she still looked pretty even sideways especially when she crinkled her nose at the same time.

      Mrs Fell is the prettiest Teacher because she has green eyes that look into you and black curly hair and a big smile and her top lip is like an M but flatter and her bottom lip is bigger on the left than the right and she wears lipstick but not bright like Mums lipstick and she has white skin that is soft. She wears nice clothes like jeans and a pink T shirt which says ATHLETIC and she has a necklace with a small gold cross like how Jesus died with nails in him. And she is from Ollerton which is near Newark but she does not speak like Nottinghamshire which is sad with the words going

      with her words not falling even though she is called Mrs Fell. And she just looked at me with sideways eyes the way I look in my tank to see if fish have died.

      After a long time she said very quietly as if I had eggshell ears she said Thats from a poem Philip.

      I said Yes I know but my Dad really did lie to me when I was in Hadrians Wall.

      She said You have had a very tough time recently.

      And I said Yes my Dad died.

      She said Yes I know.

      I said Its not my Dad lying to me.

      She smiled and her shoulders dropped down but she stopped smiling when I said Its my Dads Ghost.

      She said Philip when boys your age have to deal with something as terrible and difficult as what you have had to deal with it is possible for them to get slightly confused about some things.

      I said He comes to me sometimes and he speaks to me but he is not there all the time. He flickers on and off like a bad light bulb.

      She sighed and crinkled her nose again and made her eyes thin and she said Philip you have an exceptional imagination and that is a good thing to have it really is. But you must be able to separate the things that are real from the things that are not real.

      I said Mrs Fell do you believe in ghosts?

      Her nose flinched a bit like the question was a ball thrown in her face and she said No I dont.

      I said Neither did I until I saw my Dads Ghost.

      She said Philip.

      I said Im not making it up.

      She said I know youre not Philip. Its just after terrible things happen it is sometimes hard to know what is real and what is not.

      I said He told me that Mum was in trouble and I had to steal the mini bus.

      She wrote something down on paper and she looked at me for another Long Time and picked up the little gold cross inbetween her thumb and finger and moved it along the necklace. Then she said And when you got back was your Mum in trouble?

      I said No.

      She said So there you go.

      I said He was lying.

      She said Philip you have to try to ignore these things because they are part of your imagination.

      I said I cant help it.

      She said Theres no such word as cant Philip. You have to help it.

      I said I have no choice.

      She said You always have a choice. Life is full of choices Philip thats all there is. You can ignore anything you choose to ignore and eventually it will go away.

      I said What about the soldiers?

      She said What soldiers?

      I said In the First World War. The ones whose fathers lied.

      She said That is different.

      I said Why?

      She said That is History Philip not Imagination. In fact its a poem so its both.

      I said So when I am old and dead and Im in History will I be right?

      She said Philip you miss your Dad very much. Do you want to talk a bit about that?

      I said No.

      She said Do you want to talk about your Dad? About what he was like?

      I said He did funny voices.

      Her eyebrows went together like thin caterpillars that wanted to kiss but couldnt and she said Funny voices?

      I said Yes. When he bought me a new fish hed do me the voice how the fish speaks like he always gave the Guppies posh voices and the Mollies sounded like this

      And I did her the voice of the Mollies and she nearly laughed.

      And I told her But his ghost isnt funny hes just sad and angry.

      I didnt want to tell her about the Dead Fathers Club or the Terrors. She didnt believe in ghosts so she wasnt going to believe in the Dead Fathers Club or the Terrors. And I wasnt going to tell her about what Dads Ghost said about Uncle Alan because I didnt know if he had lied about that as well and if he hadnt lied she might tell Mum and make Uncle Alan more dangerous.

      Mrs Fell said Does your Mum know all this?

      I