The Complete Satires & Essays of Mark Twain. Марк Твен

and reflectively taps them together, with the air of one who would like to begin business, but must wait, and be as patient as he can. It makes you think of Richelieu. Now and then he swings his head up to the left or to the right and answers something which some one has bent down to say to him. Then he taps his fingers again. He looks tired, and maybe a trifle harassed. He is a gray-haired, long, slender man, with a colorless long face, which, in repose, suggests a death-mask; but when not in repose is tossed and rippled by a turbulent smile which washes this way and that, and is not easy to keep up with — a pious smile, a holy smile, a saintly smile, a deprecating smile, a beseeching and supplicating smile; and when it is at work the large mouth opens and the flexible lips crumple, and unfold, and crumple again, and move around in a genial and persuasive and angelic way, and expose large glimpses of the teeth; and that interrupts the sacredness of the smile and gives it momentarily a mixed worldly and political and satanic cast. It is a most interesting face to watch. And then the long hands and the body — they furnish great and frequent help to the face in the business of adding to the force of the statesman’s words.

      To change the tense. At the time of which I have just been speaking the crowds in the galleries were gazing at the stage and the pit with rapt interest and expectancy. One half of the great fan of desks was in effect empty, vacant; in the other half several hundred members were bunched and jammed together as solidly as the bristles in a brush; and they also were waiting and expecting. Presently the Chair delivered this utterance:

      “Dr. Lecher has the floor.”

      Then burst out such another wild and frantic and deafening clamor as has not been heard on this planet since the last time the Comanches surprised a white settlement at midnight. Yells from the Left, counter-yells from the Right, explosions of yells from all sides at once, and all the air sawed and pawed and clawed and cloven by a writhing confusion of gesturing arms and hands. Out of the midst of this thunder and turmoil and tempest rose Dr. Lecher, serene and collected, and the providential length of him enabled his head to show out above it. He began his twelve-hour speech. At any rate, his lips could be seen to move, and that was evidence. On high sat the President imploring order, with his long hands put together as in prayer, and his lips visibly but not hearably speaking. At intervals he grasped his bell and swung it up and down with vigor, adding its keen clamor to the storm weltering there below.

      Dr. Lecher went on with his pantomime speech, contented, untroubled. Here and there and now and then powerful voices burst above the din, and delivered an ejaculation that was heard. Then the din ceased for a moment or two, and gave opportunity to hear what the Chair might answer; then the noise broke out again. Apparently the President was being charged with all sorts of illegal exercises of power in the interest of the Right (the government side): among these, with arbitrarily closing an Order of Business before it was finished; with an unfair distribution of the right to the floor; with refusal of the floor, upon quibble and protest, to members entitled to it; with stopping a speaker’s speech upon quibble and protest; and with other transgressions of the Rules of the House. One of the interrupters who made himself heard was a young fellow of slight build and neat dress, who stood a little apart from the solid crowd and leaned negligently, with folded arms and feet crossed, against a desk. Trim and handsome, strong face and thin features; black hair roughed up; parsimonious mustache; resonant great voice, of good tone and pitch. It is Wolf, capable and hospitable with sword and pistol, fighter of the recent duel with Count Badeni, the head of the government. He shot Badeni through the arm, and then walked over in the politest way and inspected his game, shook hands, expressed regret, and all that. Out of him came early this thundering peal, audible above the storm:

      “I demand the floor. I wish to offer a motion.”

      In the sudden lull which followed, the President answered, “Dr. Lecher has the floor.”

      Wolf. “I move the close of the sitting!”

      P. “Representative Lecher has the floor.” Stormy outburst from the Left — that is, the Opposition.

      Wolf. I demand the floor for the introduction of a formal motion. Pause. Mr. President, are you going to grant it, or not? Crash of approval from the Left. I will keep on demanding the floor till I get it.

      P. “I call Representative Wolf to order. Dr. Lecher has the floor.”

      Wolf. “Mr. President, are you going to observe the Rules of this House?” Tempest of applause and confused ejaculations from the Left — a boom and roar which long endured, and stopped all business for the time being.

      Dr. von Pessler. “By the Rules motions are in order, and the Chair must put them to vote.”

      For answer the President (who is a Pole — I make this remark in passing) began to jangle his bell with energy at the moment that that wild pandemonium of voices burst out again.

      Wolf (hearable above the storm). “Mr. President, I demand the floor. We intend to find out, here and now, which is the hardest, a Pole’s skull or a German’s!

      This brought out a perfect cyclone of satisfaction from the Left. In the midst of it some one again moved an adjournment. The President blandly answered that Dr. Lecher had the floor. Which was true; and he was speaking, too, calmly, earnestly, and argumentatively; and the official stenographers had left their places and were at his elbows taking down his words, he leaning and orating into their ears — a most curious and interesting scene.

      Dr. von Pessler (to the Chair). “Do not drive us to extremities!”

      The tempest burst out again; yells of approval from the Left, catcalls, and ironical laughter from the Right. At this point a new and most effective noise-maker was pressed into service. Each desk has an extension, consisting of a removable board eighteen inches long, six wide, and a half-inch thick. A member pulled one of these out and began to belabor the top of his desk with it. Instantly other members followed suit, and perhaps you can imagine the result. Of all conceivable rackets it is the most ear-splitting, intolerable, and altogether fiendish.

      The persecuted President leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes, clasped his hands in his lap, and a look of pathetic resignation crept over his long face. It is the way a country schoolmaster used to look in days long past when he had refused his school a holiday and it had risen against him in ill-mannered riot and violence and insurrection. Twice a motion to adjourn had been offered a motion always in order in other Houses, and doubtless so in this one also. The President had refused to put these motions. By consequence, he was not in a pleasant place now, and was having a right hard time. Votes upon motions, whether carried or defeated, could make endless delay, and postpone the Ausgleich to next century.

      In the midst of these sorrowful circumstances and this hurricane of yells and screams and satanic clatter of desk-boards, Representative Dr. Kronawetter unfeelingly reminds the Chair that a motion has been offered, and adds: “Say yes, or no! What do you sit there for, and give no answer?”

      P. “After I have given a speaker the floor, I cannot give it to another. After Dr. Lecher is through, I will put your motion.” Storm of indignation from the Left.

      Wolf (to the Chair). “Thunder and lightning! look at the Rule governing the case!”

      Kronawetter. “I move the close of the sitting! And I demand the ayes and noes!”

      Dr. Lecher. “Mr. President, have I the floor?”

      P. “You have the floor.”

      Wolf (to the Chair, in a stentorian voice which cleaves its way through the storm). “It is by such brutalities as these that you drive us to extremities! Are you waiting till some one shall throw into your face the word that shall describe what you are bringing about? Tempest of insulted fury from the Right. Is that what you are waiting for, old Grayhead? Long-continued clatter of desk-boards from the Left, with shouts of “The vote! the vote!” An ironical shout from the Right, “Wolf is boss!”

      Wolf keeps on demanding the floor for his motion. At length —

      P. “I call Representative Wolf to order! Your conduct is unheard-of, sir! You forget that you are in a parliament; you must remember where