e: A Novel. Matt Beaumont

it. Yesterday two secretaries beat ten shades of shit out of each other. Think that’s why I ended up getting offered the permanent job. How’s Salford since I left? Seen that sad twat, Terry? Tell him if he comes anywhere near London I’ll break his other thumb as well. Write/call when you can. Miss you – Lolx

      Daniel Westbrooke – 5/1/00, 9.24am

      to… Susi Judge-Davis

      cc… Simon Horne

      re… Coke

      Morning, Susi. I trust you are well. I have been trying you and Simon but keep getting voicemail. I know you are both awfully busy, so I thought I would send you a quick e. David wants to review the creative work for Coke at 11.30. I know it is a pain, giving us all such short notice, so let me know if there’s anything my temp can do to help set it up.

      Daniel Westbrooke – 5/1/00, 9.32am

      to… David Crutton

      cc…

      re… an early review is a good review!

      My temp passed on the message about the Coke review. Excellent! I agree, we should have the work on the table ASAP. I hope our creative wunderkinder do not let us down. I do not think any of them are in yet – knowing them, they will have been toiling away until the cock crowed. Let me know when we are on. I am ready and waiting.

      debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk

      5/1/00, 9.45am

      to… [email protected]

      cc…

      re… Salford replying

      We have contact! Well done, girl! They pay a ton in advertising, don’t they? What you on – twenty grand? Higher? Salford’s the same old, but you’ve only been gone a week, so it’s hardly going to change. Did see Terry at Pizza Hut looking wounded/pissed – couldn’t tell really. Got to go. This isn’t like your new job – we actually have to work. Call soon. Love, Debs.

      David Crutton – 5/1/00, 10.04am

      to… Daniel Westbrooke

      cc…

      re… an early review is a good review!

      I was informing you that I wanted to review the work. I wasn’t asking you to be there. Please pay attention.

      David Crutton – 5/1/00, 10.09am

      to… Simon Horne

      cc… Susi Judge-Davis

      re… are you alive?

      I’ve e-mailed you once already this morning without response. In fact, it seems my entire workforce has tried to make contact with you, with no success. I don’t expect any trouble today, Simon. You and I are going to review Coke at 11.30 on the dot.

      Brett Topowlski – 5/1/00, 10.20am

      to… Liam O’Keefe

      cc…

      re… Shit, meet Fan

      Susi says Crutton has gone fucking apeshit. She doesn’t know why, but he wants a Coke review. 11.30 TODAY! Shit! Got anything? Me and Vin have sweet FA. We were slaughtered last night. Where the fuck were you? You were spot on, Lol wasn’t wearing knickers – had to drop my lighter half a dozen times to be certain. Anyway, only just got in, and the one line we had on Coke went up Vin’s nose last night. I have a bad feeling.

      Liam O’Keefe – 5/1/00, 10.27am

      to… Brett Topowlski

      cc…

      re… Neck, meet Noose

      Coke, today? What the fuck is going down? Sorry I didn’t make it last night, but Pinki flew back in from her clairvoyant with one of her creative auras, so we did a late one. Reminded me why I put up with her and her Nick Drake albums. She was brilliant and came up with a blinder for Mako.

      And stuff your problems. Think about me. I’m a fucking fire officer!

      Nigel Godley – 5/1/00, 10.50am

      to… Accounts Department

      cc…

      re… let’s make this the best fire drill ever!

      As your designated fire officer, I’d like to draw your attention to the diagrams I circulated to all of you. These set out your starting positions for the drill. Can you log off your PCs at 11.23 hrs and take your marks at precisely 11.25 hrs? This will ensure that when the alarm sounds at 11.30 hrs, you will be in the optimum state of readiness to make a safe and rapid evacuation.

      And perhaps this time we will beat our previous best of 3 minutes and 21 seconds. Good luck, Team Finance!

      Nige

      David Crutton – 5/1/00, 10.52am

      to… Susi Judge-Davis

      cc…

      re… sort it

      I’ve e-mailed your lord and master twice this morning, to no avail. You have also fobbed me off on the phone. You’ll know me well enough by now to appreciate that patience doesn’t figure in my genetic make-up. So let’s keep this simple. The Coke review will happen at 11.30. If it doesn’t, I’ll fuck your boss so badly, he’ll never get another job in advertising. In fact, he’ll be so shafted, he wouldn’t get work if he dressed up as a cub scout and did bob-a-job. I trust you’ll pass on the message.

      Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 10.54am

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… PANIC STATIONS!

      Darling, your door’s locked, and you won’t answer your phone or e’s. I’m sure you’re only having one of your ‘can’t-be-disturbed-creative-inspiration-moments’, but you should know that David is going mental and is saying some beastly things. He’s insisting that the Coke 11.30 happens. You are OK for that, aren’t you? I’m going to tell him you are anyway, before he explodes … Sx

      Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 10.57am

      to… David Crutton

      cc…

      re… sort it

      David, ever so sorry for the delay in getting back to you, but it’s been a madhouse with work down here. I’ve just spoken to Simon. He says 11.30 is fine and he’s really looking forward to it!

      Brett Topowlski – 5/1/00, 11.09am

      to… Liam O’Keefe

      cc…

      re… Balls, meet Vice

      Susi’s just been in to tell us to get our stuff ready for the 11.30. Didn’t tell her we haven’t got any. We need this job – Vin still owes four grand on his Fireblade and I just got the insurance through for my R1 – £1,500! We’re fucked!

      Liam O’Keefe – 5/1/00, 11.11am

      to… Brett Topowlski

      cc…

      re… relief is at hand

      I have