e: A Novel. Matt Beaumont

      Rachel Stevenson – 4/1/00, 11.45am

      to… Carla Browne

      cc…

      re… job changes

      Carla – I have an urgent issue to discuss. I have tried to call you about it, but you have been engaged for over thirty minutes.

      I’m afraid there’s been a change of plan on the David Crutton front. He reviewed your file and felt he’d been wrong to overlook the Stringfellows matter with the marketing delegation from Arabian Airways. He regretfully feels that, given the minor diplomatic incident that ensued, a job with such a strong element of client and public interface would be inappropriate for you at this time.

      We both feel very sorry to let you down like this, but want to reassure you that your future is bright, and, in Dan Westbrooke, you are working for one of the most respected executives in the agency.

      If you’d like to discuss this further, please call me.

      David Crutton – 4/1/00, 11.57am

      to… Daniel Westbrooke

      cc…

      re… Coke

      I believe I asked you to have a draft of the Coke presentation on my desk first thing this morning. Where the fuck is it? When I joined this company I only agreed to keep you on because you let Weissmuller use your house in Tuscany. If you can’t deliver a few simple pie charts on time, why am I bothering?

      By the way, you can keep your secretary. I was reminded that the silly tart’s antics with a tequila bottle last year nearly started Gulf War II.

      Brett Topowlski – 4/1/00, 11.59am

      to… All Departments

      cc…

      re… IT’S A RECORD BREAKER

      If you happen to go into trap 2 in the gents on the creative floor, please do not flush. The Guinness Book of Records has been informed.

      Daniel Westbrooke – 4/1/00, 12.02pm

      to… Carla Browne

      cc…

      re… Coke

      Please can you get a bloody move on with the Coke presentation. I would like to remind you that it was only my pleadings that saved your job last year after the Arabian Airways débâcle. If a few simple pie charts are causing so much trouble, I am not sure why I bothered.

      Carla Browne – 4/1/00, 12.09pm

      to… Zoë Clarke

      cc…

      re… fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking shit, fuck!!!

      God, you won’t fucking believe what’s happening!!! Just got an e from stupid bloody Rachel telling me I’m not being offered the job with Crettin any more!!!!! Just because of that stupid thing with the Arabs!!!! It wasn’t my fault – those tequilas were spiked. I honestly thought it was forgotten. Can you believe it?!!!! I feel so humiliated!!!! It’s not that I was going to take the stupid job – who’d want to work for that git anyway?!!!!! It’s the bloody principle!!!! Do you think I can get them for false misrepresentation? Can we go to Bar Zero for lunch? I really need your support right now!!! Cxxx

      Rachel Stevenson – 4/1/00, 12.11pm

      to… Zoë Clarke

      cc…

      re… job changes

      Unfortunately Carla Browne’s move to David Crutton’s office didn’t pan out as we’d hoped. However, David would very much like you to consider the position yourself. Obviously it would represent a big change for you and I’m sure you’d like to talk about it. Perhaps you could give me a call and we can find a time.

      Zoë Clarke – 4/1/00, 12.13pm

      to… Rachel Stevenson

      cc…

      re… job changes

      On my way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Zoë Clarke – 4/1/00, 12.14pm

      to… Carla Browne

      cc…

      re… fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking shit, fuck!!!

      God, you poor fucking cow!!! This place doesn’t deserve you!!!!!! Got to do some urgent copying now!!!!! The stupid hippie is screaming for it!!!! I’d ask Susi to help, if she wasn’t such a bitch!!!!! See you at lunch – you need a friend right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Zxxx

      [email protected]

      4/1/00, 12.30pm (2.30pm local)

      to… [email protected]

      cc…

      re… Coke

      So, you await for your Coca-Cola documentation? Oh, how I sympathise with your plight! Before Christmas already I am asking for new light bulbs in the executive toilet, and still I am dangling. Both cubicles one and two are in gloomiest black pitchness and it is only because I did so much night training during my national service that I am able to avoid brown-staining embarrassment!

      Perhaps we should place the issue of staff respondingness at the top of the agenda at the forthcoming Miller Shanks CEO Conference in Waikiki.

      Aloha! Pertti

      Zoë Clarke – 4/1/00, 2.23pm

      to… Carla Browne

      cc…

      re… this shit hole!!!!

      God, it was good to get out of here at lunch!! Hope you feel better!!!!!! Remember what I said – I think you should definitely, definitely leave!!!!! You’re my best friend in the world and I don’t know how I could work here without you!!!!! But you’ve got to think of yourself, and you’re better than this place!!!!! Zxxx

      Zoë Clarke – 4/1/00, 2.27pm

      to… Rachel Stevenson

      cc…

      re… job changes

      Rachel, thanks so much for the offer. I’m so excited that Mr Crutton suggested me for the position. Obviously it entails extra responsibility and is a big step up. As I said I would, I’ve given it a lot of thought over lunch. In the end, though, it’s an easy decision to make. I’d be thrilled to accept – Zoë

      Carla Browne – 4/1/00, 2.29pm

      to… Zoë Clarke

      cc…

      re… this shit hole!!!!

      I don’t know what I’d do without you, Zoë!!!!!! You’re the only one in this stupid bloody place that stops me from going mad!!!!!!!!!! I do feel better, and I’ve decided that I’m not going to resign!!!!!!!!! I can’t let those bastards win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cxxx

      Zoë Clarke – 4/1/00, 2.41pm

      to… Carla Browne

      cc…

      re… fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,