e: A Novel. Matt Beaumont

Creative Department

      cc…

      re… FIRE DRILL

      The fire drill that will take place in a few minutes is very important. As the fire officer for this floor, I have been informed that the London Fire Brigade will be observing and the renewal of our fire certificate depends on it. Stop whatever you’re doing when the alarm sounds and clear the building calmly and quickly. Ken Perry stresses that this drill takes precedence over any meetings or reviews that are scheduled for that time.

      Liam

      Designated Fire Officer

      Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 11.29am

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… EMERGENCY!!

      Simon, unlock your door now. David’s on his way down!!

      Nigel Godley – 5/1/00, 12.07pm

      to… Accounts Department

      cc… David Crutton

      re… good, but not good enough

      Our evacuation time of 3 minutes, 17 seconds was quite outstanding and does the accounts department credit. I am proud to call myself your fire officer. However, we were beaten by an adversary from a most surprising quarter. The creative department cleared their work stations and were out of the building in under two minutes.

      Isn’t it great that another department has decided to take up the challenge of achieving fire drill excellence? It can only push us to raise our own standards. I propose weekly training sessions. Then next time those creative johnnies will have a contest on their hands – Nige

      Liam O’Keefe – 5/1/00, 12.15pm

      to… Brett Topowlski

      cc…

      re… Naga-fucking-saki!

      You and Vin shouldn’t have buggered off to the pub straight after the drill because you missed a grade-A spectacle. When the alarm rang Crutton went straight to Horne’s pad. It was locked so he collared one of the firemen and made him pulp it with his axe! Horne was inside comatose and semi-naked – totally fucked from some celebrity piss-up last night. Hadn’t heard a thing. Didn’t know about the drill, the review, nothing. I’ve seen Crutton lose it before, but this was breathtaking. Horne’s a gibbering wreck now. Susi’s feeding him Valium like they’re M&Ms. And Ken Perry just got the elbow for having the front to hold a drill at the same time as Crutton wanted to look at some creative work. The way it’s shaping up, we’ll all be out of work by the end of the day – worth it just to witness Armageddon. Only a few days behind schedule, too.

      David Crutton – 5/1/00, 12.21pm

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… deathwish…

      … do you have one, and have you the faintest idea how close you are to realising it? The only reason you still have a job is that at this moment I have no choice but to keep you on. With business at the critical stage it is right now, even a creative director of stupefying incompetence must be marginally better than none at all. I’m going to lunch. When I return at 3.30 we will hold the Coke review.

      David Crutton – 5/1/00, 12.42pm

      to… Lorraine Pallister

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      re… crap

      To add to the metaphorical shit that’s been swilling around this office today, we have a surfeit of the real thing in the executive washroom. The toilets are blocked and overflowing. Get maintenance to fix it while I’m at lunch. Failing that, do it yourself.

      Lorraine Pallister – 5/1/00, 12.54pm

      to… David Crutton

      cc…

      re… crap

      That may be a problem. Since you let Ken Perry go, no-one seems to know where the rods and plungers are kept. As for doing it myself, I only deal with the metaphorical stuff. Sorry.

      Simon Horne – 5/1/00, 12.59pm

      to… Susi Judge-Davis

      cc…

      re… thank you

      Darling, you have been an absolute lifesaver this morning.

      You seem to be the only person who truly understands the pressure cooker in which I operate. Thank you for your empathy.

      Could you do me a couple of favours before you pop out for lunch?

      First, let my department know that the Coke review will now take place at 3.30, and I expect no tardiness.

      Then have someone from maintenance replace my door. I cannot possibly be expected to do my best work without some sort of protective barrier from the ignorant hordes.

      And when you are out could you nip to Dickens and Jones and get me something smelly for Celine? – You know what she wears.

      For some unfathomable reason she would not let me in the house last night.

      [email protected]

      5/1/00, 1.05pm

      to… debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk

      cc…

      re… London calling again

      Where the fuck do I start, girl? There was a fire practice this morning and it turned into WW3 with jokes. Next time I see you, have a bottle of Bacardi handy and I’ll take you through it.

      Then Boss told me to clean out the bogs. He’s a scary fucker but if he thinks I’m dealing with his floaters he’ll have to pay me a lot more than £8 an hour. Told him to shove his bog brush up his hairy arse. Not those words exactly, but you get the idea. He’s gone to lunch and I reckon I’ll be out of a job when he gets back. Don’t e me here just in case. I’ll let you know.

      Remember, however dull processing mail order gets, at least it’s not a bloody loony bin – Lol

      Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 1.07pm

      to… Creative Department

      cc…

      re… Coke review

      This is to inform you that the Coke review due to take place this morning will now happen at 3.30 in Simon’s office. Simon has also asked me to point out that after you let him down so appallingly this morning, he will tolerate no absenteeism.

      Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 1.09pm

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… thank you

      Si, darling, you’re so sweet, but please don’t thank me. After all, if it wasn’t for your strength and wisdom under impossible strain, I wouldn’t be half the person I am. You’ve taught me so much.

      I’ve let the department know about the review. I know you’re too nice to say so yourself, so I’ve also told them you’ll brook no silliness this time. I talked to Ken Perry’s Shanice about the door and she’s trying to order a new one. There may be a problem hanging it, though. Since Ken was sacked no-one has the foggiest