e: A Novel. Matt Beaumont

      to… Shanice Duff

      cc…

      re… front doors

      I have a delegation of clients from the LOVE Channel waiting in the street. They are very cold and extremely wet – especially the two charming topless pool players. The automatic doors are refusing to open. I hazard it is some sort of electrical failure, though since I am not mechanically minded, who knows?

      You must be aware that we are about to shoot a very expensive television commercial for LOVE, and this is hardly the way to imbue them with confidence in our abilities.

      I suppose that in the unforeseen absence of Ken Perry, this falls to you to deal with. I would be very much obliged if this embarrassing situation could be remedied PDQ.

      Daniel Westbrooke

      Head of Client Services

      Liam O’Keefe – 5/1/00, 1.53pm

      to… Brett Topowlski

      cc…

      re… welcome back

      If you and Vin managed to get past your two LOVE birds (Patsi and Despina – as a major pool fan I’d recognise those cueing arms anywhere), and then make it through the faulty doors, this will be the 2^nd e-mail you read, after Susi’s, about the 3.30. Well, it had to happen but at least I bought you an extra four hours. The Pink Buddha and me have just resurrected that campaign we did for the John Smith’s pitch last year. Horne will never remember it – off his face when he rejected it. I’m changing the pack shots on the storyboards from beer to Coke. Pinki’s got a problem with the line. ‘BITTER, MOI?’ doesn’t readily translate to cola.

      Brett Topowlski – 5/1/00, 2.17pm

      to… Liam O’Keefe

      cc…

      re… welcome back

      We only just got in. Some geezer in a boiler suit had lifted an entire sheet of plate glass from reception and was helping the LOVE babes (who, you will be aware, are only in the agency for a wardrobe session for our exciting TV ad which is about to shoot on the idyllic beaches of Mauritius) totter up a stepladder and through the gap … welcome to Miller Shanks, at the cutting edge of modern technology.

      Just done five Becks each but even so had a blinder on Coke. Surrender to it.

      Nigel Godley – 5/1/00, 2.24pm

      to… All Departments

      cc…

      re… stationery requisites

      Anyone who has been having trouble gaining access to the stationery cupboard since the departure of Ken Perry might be interested to know that I have a supply of paper clips in assorted colours and staples in two sizes. Although these are my personal property, I would be glad to help the company through this period of shortage. This is a limited supply, so only the genuinely needy, please.

      Nige

      Simon Horne – 5/1/00, 2.33pm

      to… David Crutton

      cc…

      re… deathwish…

      David, I must apologise for the way things looked this morning. With the kerfuffle of the drill, I can appreciate how my karmic state of creativity could so easily have been misread for something less productive.

      Bizarre as it might appear, flat on my back in my underpants is invariably the repose in which my finest ideas arrive.

      The artistic process defies rationalisation.

      Legend has it that a personal hero of mine, Bernie Taupin, has reconstructed his father’s potting shed at the end of his garden in Beverly Hills.

      It is in there that he writes all his lyrics.

      When the result is something as ethereally wondrous as Candle in the Wind it seems churlish to mock his eccentricity.

      But I digress. I write with the news that the answer to the Coke challenge came to me during my reverie. The indefatigable Susi is printing off the scripts as I type.

      I would love you to have a preview in advance of the 3.30.

      You may, of course, disagree, but I believe it is the advertising idea that the ladies and gentlemen from Atlanta have always deserved but, until now, have never had.

      Si

      David Crutton – 5/1/00, 2.38pm

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… deathwish…

      Bring the work up. I sincerely hope it’s as grand as you make out.

      Simon Horne – 5/1/00, 2.39pm

      to… Susi Judge-Davis

      cc…

      re… trousers

      Have you managed to get my trousers dry yet, darling? Sneak them in here, because I need to see David immediately.

      Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 2.40pm

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… trousers

      They’re still a little moist in the crutch, sweetie, but I think they’ll get you by. I’ll just pop them under the hot-air drier in the ladies … Sx

      Nigel Godley – 5/1/00, 2.41pm

      to… All Departments

      cc…

      re… stationery requisites

      I’m out of blue and yellow but I still have plenty of paper clips in other colours. Come and get them! Nige

      Shanice Duff – 5/1/00, 2.45pm

      to… Rachel Stevenson

      cc…

      re… HELP!

      Hi, Rachel. I’m desperate to talk to you, but no-one’s answering your phone. I’ve just got back from a late lunch and found a billion rude messages on my voice and e-mail. As you know, they made Ken leave immediately and now everything’s going wrong. I haven’t a clue what to do and is it true that David’s going to fire me, too, if I don’t fix his toilet personally? Please call me. I’ve got one of my heads coming on.

      [email protected]

      5/1/00, 2.55pm

      to… debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk

      cc…

      re… still here

      Debbie, feel free to e me back. Boss loves me – didn’t actually say ‘sorry’ but came close (read attached e – shows you what I’ve got to deal with). Got to tell you what just happened. There’s a ponce called Horne in charge of the creative department. He just came up with these TV scripts for Coke. He swans in and reads his ideas out to Boss. He’d done these cartoon bubbles and they’re all singing, ‘If you pop, you won’t stop’ – thinks it’s the fucking dog’s. Boss points out that it’s a rip-off of Pringles Crisps mixed up with something Horne did fifty years ago for Fun Pops or something. Even if it wasn’t, it’d still be shite. Horne