Jokes For All Occasions. Unknown

delinquent laggard swain had been telling of his ability as a presiding officer. The girl questioned him:

      "What is the parliamentary phrase when you wish to call for a vote?"

      The answer was given with proud certainty:

      "Are you ready for the question?"

      "Yes, dearest," the girl confessed shyly. "Go ahead."

      BIGAMY

      What is the penalty for bigamy?

      Two mothers-in-law.

*         *         *

      The man was weak and naturally unlucky, and so he got married three times inside of a year. He was convicted and sentenced for four years. He seemed greatly relieved. As the expiration of his term grew near, he wrote from the penitentiary to his lawyer, with the plaintive query:

      "Will it be safe for me to come out?"

      BIRTH

      The little girl in the zoölogical park tossed bits of a bun to the stork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her for more.

      "What kind of a bird is it, mamma?" the child asked.

      The mother read the placard, and answered that it was a stork.

      "O-o-o-h!" the little girl cried, as her eyes rounded. "Of course, it recognized me!"

      BLESSING

      The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express his appreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a million eggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfectly quiet and ladylike manner.

      BLIND

      A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in the cover and a label reading, "For the Blind." A month later, the box disappeared. When some one inquired concerning it, the shopkeeper chuckled, and pointed to the window.

      "I collected enough," he explained. "There's the new blind."

      BLINDNESS

      The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delighted and thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed overboard during a gale and was only rescued after having sunk for the third time.

      "And, of course," she commented brightly, "after you sank the third time, your whole past life passed before your eyes."

      "I presoom as how it did, mum," the sailor agreed. "But bein' as I had my eyes shut, I missed it."

      BLOCKHEAD

      The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his finger.

      "Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, "than to scratch your head."

      BONE OF CONTENTION

      The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passenger thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket protectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fat fellow-passenger.

      "I caught you that time!" the fat man hissed.

      "Thief yourself!" snorted the timid passenger. "Leggo!"

      "Scoundrel!" shouted the fat man.

      "Help! Stop thief!" the little fellow spluttered, trying to wrench his hand from the other's clasp. As the car halted, the tall man next the two disputants spoke sharply:

      "I want to get off here, if you dubs will be good enough to take your hands out of my pocket."

*         *         *

      During the Civil War, an old negro was deeply interested in the conflict, but showed no sign of wishing to take part in it. A white man questioned him one day:

      "The men of the North and South are killing one another on your account. Why don't you pitch in and fight yourself?"

      "Has you-all ever seen two dogs fightin' over a bone?" the negro demanded.

      "Many times, of course," was the answer.

      The old negro chuckled as he said:

      "Did you ever see de bone fight?"

      "Well!—no!"

      "Dat's all! I'se de bone."

      BREAKFAST

      The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel:

      "You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast."

      "An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully.

      The Colonel explained:

      "Bring me a big steak, a bulldog and a quart of Bourbon whiskey."

      "But why do you order a bulldog?" asked the puzzled waiter.

      "To eat the steak, suh!" snapped the Colonel.

      BREVITY

      The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars, after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he stole two dollars.

      BRIBERY

      A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to the captain, with the direction that the money should be used to buy bats, balls, gloves, or anything else that might help to win the game. On the day of the game, the pastor was somewhat surprised to observe nothing new in the club's paraphernalia. He called the captain to him.

      "I don't see any new bats, or balls, or gloves," he said.

      "We haven't anything like that," the captain admitted.

      "But I gave you five dollars to buy them," the pastor exclaimed.

      "Well, you see," came the explanation, "you told us to spend it for bats, or balls, or gloves, or anything that we thought might help to win the game, so we gave it to the umpire."

      BRUTALITY

      Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called the conductor as referee.

      "If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will probably die."

      "If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certainly suffocate." The two glared at each other.

      The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a red nose who sat near. These were:

      "First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it. That will kill the other. Then we can have peace."

      BURGLARY

      A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line:

      "Guess who sent them."

      The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

      "Now you know!"

      CANDOR

      Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called.

      "I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise.

      The