Jokes For All Occasions. Unknown

MEN'S SHOES

      When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor, asking:

      "Would you object to my taking the place of the colonel?"

      "Not at all," the governor replied tartly. "See the undertaker."

      DEAFNESS

      In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him:

      "The show is very good, don't you think?"

      The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied:

      "Me, I always take the surface cars. Them elevated an' subway stairs ketches my breath."

      "I said the show was a good one," exclaimed the young man, raising his voice.

      Again, the elderly person nodded agreeably.

      "They jump about a good deal," was his comment, "but they're on the ground, which the others ain't."

      Now, the young man shouted:

      "You're a little deaf, ain't you?"

      At last the other understood.

      "Yes, sir!" he announced proudly. "I'm as deef as a post." He chuckled contentedly. "Some folks thinks as that's a terrible affliction, but I don't. I kin always hear what I'm sayin' myself, an' that's interestin' enough for me."

*         *         *

      An excellent old gentleman grew hard of hearing, and was beset with apprehension lest he become totally deaf. One day, as he rested on a park bench, another elderly citizen seated himself alongside. The apprehensive old gentleman saw that the new comer was talking rapidly, but his ears caught no faintest sound of the other's voice. He listened intently—in vain. He cupped a hand to his ear, but there was only silence. At last, in despair, he spoke his thought aloud:

      "It's come at last! I know you've been talking all this while, but I haven't heard a single word."

      The answer, given with a grin, was explicit and satisfying to the worried deaf man:

      "I hain't been talkin'—jest a-chewin'."

      DEDICATION

      The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife. Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly:

      "I never thought of that. As soon as you are gone, I'll look through all his books, and if that's so, I never will forgive him!"

      DEFINITION

      The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word "spine," at his teacher's request.

      "A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set on the other."

      DEGREES IN DEGRADATION

      Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a job as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance came into the place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his waiter.

      "My God!" he whispered. "To find you in such a place as this."

      Phil May smiled, as he retorted:

      "Oh, but, you see, I don't eat here."

      DELAY

      A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of how her husband had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been shot to death. The widow continued munching on a pig's foot in silence while she listened to the harrowing news. As the narrator paused, she spoke thickly from her crowded mouth:

      "Jest wait till I finish this-here pig's trotter, an' ye'll hear some hollerin' as is hollerin'."

      DEVIL

      Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister was leaping about like a jack in the box, and slapping his lower anatomy with great vigor, to the amazement of the congregation.

      "Be calm, brethren," he shouted. "The word of God is in my mouth, but the De'il's in my breeches!"

      DIET

      The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to a coast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the general diet of the natives, and was told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish. The girl protested:

      "But fish is a brain food, and these folks are really the most unintelligent-looking that I ever saw."

      "Mebbe so," the host agreed. "And just think what they'd look like if they didn't eat fish!"

      DIGESTION

      In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name the products of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, but very nervous.

      "Please, sir," the answer ran, "India produces curries and pepper and rice and citron and chutney and—and–"

      There was a long pause. Then, as the first child remained silent, a little girl raised her hand. The examiner nodded.

      "Yes, you may name any other products of India."

      "Please, sir," the child announced proudly, "India-gestion."

      DIPLOMACY

      "Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?"

      "Not a penny, my dear sir," was the genial reply. "You are going about paying your little debts?"

      "No, I'm going about to see if I've overlooked anybody? Lend me ten till Saturday."

*         *         *

      Ted had a habit of dropping in at the house next door on baking day, for the woman of that house had a deft way in the making of cookies, and Ted had no hesitation in enjoying her hospitality, even to the extent of asking for cookies if they were not promptly forthcoming.

      When the boy's father learned of this, he gave Ted a lecture and a strict order never to ask for cookies at the neighbor's kitchen. So, when a few days later the father saw his son munching a cookie as he came away from the next house, he spoke sternly:

      "Have you been begging cookies again?"

      "Oh, no, I didn't beg any," Ted answered cheerfully. "I just said, this house smells as if it was full of cookies. But what's that to me?"

*         *         *

      Sometimes the use of a diplomatic method defeats its own purpose, as in the case of the old fellow who was enthusiastic in praise of the busy lawyer from whose office he had just come, after a purely social call.

      "That feller, for a busy man," he declared earnestly, "is one of the pleasantest chaps I ever did meet. Why, I dropped in on him jest to pass the time o' day this mornin', an' I hadn't been chattin' with 'im more'n five minutes before he'd told me three times to come and see 'im agin."

*         *         *

      The lady of uncertain age simpered at the gentleman of about the same age who had offered her his seat in the car.

      "Why should you be so kind to me?" she gurgled.

      "My dear madam, because I myself have a mother and a wife and a daughter."

*         *         *

      Diplomacy is shown inversely by the remark of the professor to the lady in this story.

      At a reception the woman chatted for some time with the distinguished man of learning, and displayed such intelligence that one of the listeners complimented her.

      "Oh, really," she said with a smile, "I've just been concealing my ignorance."

      The