Jokes For All Occasions. Unknown

the wounded soldier with a puzzled frown.

      "Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musingly. "But I can't quite place you somehow."

      "Let bygones be bygones, mum," the soldier said weakly. "Yes, mum, I was a policeman."

      ANATOMY

      The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of his message in these words:

      "Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an' ma says the last one was very nice, an' ma says she wants another off the same ox!"

      APPEARANCE

      Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:

      "Oh, Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that naughty Peck boy!"

      Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust.

      "Say, ma," he objected, "do I look as if I had been playing with anybody?"

*         *         *

      The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said:

      "May I have the pleasure of this dance?"

      Two wallflowers answered as with one voice:

      "With pleasure."

      APPETITE

      The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:

      "Who are you?"

      "I am Enoch, the egg king."

      "What is your specialty?"

      "I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs, and one dozen goose eggs, at a single setting."

      "Do you know our program?"

      "What is it?"

      "We give four shows every day."

      "Oh, yes, I understand that."

      "And do you think you can do it?"

      "I know I can."

      "On Saturdays we give six shows."

      "All right."

      "On holidays we usually give a performance every hour."

      And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.

      "In that case, I must have one thing understood before I'd be willing to sign a contract."

      "What?"

      "No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've got to give me time to go to the hotel to eat my regular meals."

*         *         *

      Daniel Webster was the guest at dinner of a solicitous hostess who insisted rather annoyingly that he was eating nothing at all, that he had no appetite, that he was not making out a meal. Finally, Webster wearied of her hospitable chatter, and addressed her in his most ponderous senatorial manner:

      "Madam, permit me to assure you that I sometimes eat more than at other times, but never less."

*         *         *

      It was shortly after Thanksgiving Day that someone asked the little boy to define the word appetite. His reply was prompt and enthusiastic:

      "When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you're tight—that's appetite!"

      APPRECIATION

      The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some surprise, and remarked:

      "I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth."

      "Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the actor.

      "Why, that's his picture," was the answer, as the friend pointed. "That's Wordsworth, the poet."

      The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest.

      "Is that old file a poet?" he exclaimed in astonishment. "I got him for a study in wrinkles."

      ARGUMENT

      "Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by the leg."

      "Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?"

      "Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."

      ART

      An American tourist and his wife, after their return from abroad, were telling of the wonders seen by them at the Louvre in Paris. The husband mentioned with enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve and the serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection with the eating of the forbidden fruit. The wife also waxed enthusiastic, and interjected a remark:

      "Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most interesting indeed, because, you see, we know the anecdote."

*         *         *

      The Yankee tourist described glowingly the statue of a beautiful woman which he had seen in an art museum abroad.

      "And the way she stood, so up and coming, was grand. But," he added, with a tone of disgust, "those foreigners don't know how to spell. The name of the statue was Posish'—and it was some posish, believe me! and the dumb fools spelt it—'Psyche!'"

*         *         *

      "Tell me, does your husband snore?"

      "Oh, yes, indeed—so delightfully."

      "What?"

      "Yes, really—he's so musical you know, his voice is baritone, he only snores operatic bits, mostly Aida."

*         *         *

      The packer from Chicago admired a picture by Rosa Bonheur.

      "How much is that?" he demanded. The dealer quoted the price as $5,000.

      "Holy pig's feet!" the magnate spluttered. "For that money, I can buy live hogs and–"

      His wife nudged him in the ribs, and whispered:

      "Don't talk shop."

      ATHLETICS

      The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her after field day, at which she had been present.

      "And how they did applaud when you broke that record!"

      Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly.

      "Pa didn't applaud me for the one I broke," he complained. "He licked me."

      AUTHORS

      A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors. These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and more especially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up, he excused himself from the table with a vague murmur about opening a window, and went out into the hall. He found the footman sound asleep in a chair. He shook the fellow, and exclaimed angrily:

      "Wake up! You've been listening at the keyhole."

      BABIES

      The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared in fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was in its mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixed gaze attracted the mother's attention, then excited her indignation.

      "Rubber!" she piped wrathfully.

      "Thank God!" exclaimed the Englishman. "I fancied it might be real."

*         *         *

      The teacher had explained to the class that the Indian women are called squaws. Then she asked what name was given to the children?

      "Porpoises," came one eager answer.

      But a little girl whose