Jokes For All Occasions. Unknown

the dachshund answered, "is a knot my wife tied to make me remember an errand."

      The fox terrier wagged his stump of tail thoughtfully.

      "That," he remarked at last, "must be the reason I'm so forgetful."

*         *         *

      During the siege of Paris in the Franco-German war, when everybody was starving, one aristocratic family had their pet dog served for dinner. The master of the house, when the meal was ended, surveyed the platter through tear-dimmed eyes, and spoke sadly:

      "How Fido would have enjoyed these bones!"

*         *         *

      The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed that the little daughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closely from time to time.

      "And what are you doing, Clara?" he asked, with his most engaging smile.

      "I'm drawing a picture of you," was the answer.

      The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the work of the artist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement.

      "I don't like it much," she confessed. "I guess I'll put a tail on it, and call it a dog."

*         *         *

      The meditative Hollander delivered a monologue to his dog:

      "You vas only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, you shust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to lock up the blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and cries and I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bed in time to get up again.

      "Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, and you vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, scrap some vit my vife, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty of fun. I haf to vork all day and have blenty of drubble. Ven you die, you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again."

*         *         *

      Some persons are born to have honor thrust upon them, and such is obviously the case of the actor named in this story.

      The colored maid of an actress took out for exercise her mistress's dog, a splendid St. Bernard. A passer-by admired the animal, and inquired as to the breed. The maid said:

      "I doan jes' zactly know mahself, but I dun hear my missis say he am a full-blood Sam Bernard."

      DOMESTIC QUARRELS

      After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman:

      "Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?"

      "No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply.

      "That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?"

      "Ah sho'ly is."

      "What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?" the lady asked.

      The explanation was simple and sufficient:

      "He died."

*         *         *

      The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in a passion finally declared:

      "I'm going home to my mother!"

      The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drew out his pocketbook.

      "Here," he said, counting out some bills, "is the money for your railroad fare."

      The wife took it, and counted it in her turn. Then she faced her husband scornfully:

      "But that isn't enough for a return ticket."

*         *         *

      The good wife, after she and her husband had retired for the night, discoursed for a long time with much eloquence. When she was interrupted by a snore from her spouse, she thumped the sleeper into wakefulness, and then remarked:

      "John, do you know what I think of a man who will go to sleep while his own wife is a-talkin' to him?"

      "Well, now, I believe as how I do, Martha," was the drowsily uttered response. "But don't let that stop you. Go right ahead, an' git it off your mind."

      DOUBT

      Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which had dealt with the sheep and the goats.

      "Me," he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb, and father calls me kid."

*         *         *

      Ability to look on two sides of a question is usually a virtue, but it may degenerate into a vice. Thus, a visitor found his bachelor friend glumly studying an evening waistcoat. When inquiry was made, this explanation was forthcoming:

      "It's quite too soiled to wear, but really, it's not dirty enough to go to the laundry. I can't make up my mind just what I should do about it."

      DRAMA

      The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre; at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical critic as he rose from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand.

      "Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and children first!"

      DREAMS

      The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of dreams and their significance. During a pause, one of the party turned to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked:

      "Do you believe that dreams come true?"

      "Of course, they do," the child replied firmly. "Last night I dreamed that I went paddling—and I had!"

      DRESS

      "Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new dress."

      "How sad! What was it trimmed with?"

*         *         *

      The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic.

      "How do they catch lunatics?" he asked.

      The father, who had just paid a number of bills, waxed sarcastic:

      "With enormous straw hats, with little bits of ones, with silks and laces and feathers and jewelry, and so on and so on."

      "I recall now," the mother spoke up, "I used to wear things of that sort until I married you."

      DRINK

      It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit.

      As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted off, and fell heavily on the cobble stones. The car stopped, and the conductor, running back, helped the unfortunate man to scramble to his feet. The bibulous passenger was severely shaken, but very dignified.

      "Collision?" he demanded.

      "No," the conductor answered.

      "Off the track?" was the second inquiry.

      "No," said the conductor again.

      "Well!" was the indignant rejoinder. "If I'd known that, I wouldn't have got off."

*         *         *

      The very convivial gentleman left his club happy, but somewhat dazed. On his homeward journey, made tackingly, he ran against the vertical iron rods that formed a circle of protection for the trunk of a tree growing by the curb. He made a tour around the barrier four times, carefully holding to one rod until he had a firm grasp on the next. Then, at last, he halted and leaned despairingly against the rock to which he held, and called aloud for succor:

      "Hellup! hellup! Somebody let me out!"

*         *         *

      The highly inebriated individual halted before a solitary tree, and regarded it as intently as he could, with the result that he saw two trees. His attempt