And God Created the Au Pair. Pascale Smets

5 months) to travel round the world & write an epic novel. I made hideous mistake of asking why he couldn’t keep his job in telesales & write his epic novel from his bedroom in their house in Eastling. I was then subjected to nearly 15 minutes of Toby standing right over me explaining with great passion how you had to FEEL the wind, TASTE the air, SMELL the heat. Toby so v eloquent about living life it seemed rude to interrupt him by doing lowly lunch-related activities such as turning roast potatoes so stood frozen next to the cooker sporting a pair of oven gloves listening to him until Dan came in and said ‘Shut up, Toby’, and he could SMELL the burning from upstairs. Given that Toby entirely dominated the conversation with his maps and itinerary, lunch v pleasant. Penelope who would be gold medallist if present-buying ever became an Olympic sport had achieved usual v high standard of gift-buying. Children fainting with joy, girls completely Barbied up.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Can’t wait to read epic novel, am sure it’s going to be a page-turner. What happened to the kite shop he was going to open? That was a sure-fire winner, always such a demand for kites. Cannot bloody well believe it, Michael and I have to take a driving test, we are only allowed to drive for 2 months on UK licence, so are already driving illegally, bit puzzling if one is safe to drive for 2 months presumably one is safe to drive. Made-up rule by some jumped-up little bureaucrat. Am quite sure that as I have been driving for approx 67 years my bad habits will be so deeply entrenched it will need a rocket launcher to shift them. I am going to get a lesson to be on the safe side. Michael has pooh-poohed my suggestion of a lesson as he is very macho and it is beneath his dignity.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Lessons probably a good idea as according to Fran (who failed her driving test again) fascist examiners will fail you on the teeniest tiniest most inconsequential detail. Fran absolutely furious about failing & insisting to me that she is a perfectly competent driver. I suggested as next test will be her 4th perhaps she should try simplifying things for herself by taking an automatic test instead & then she can concentrate on not crashing rather than the gears. This amusing little bon mot v ill-timed by me as I think she had post-traumatic test disorder because she burst into tears. Only way I could comfort her was to prove my confidence in her by promising to take her out in my car so she could get a feel of an automatic car. So now have the grisly spectre of having to take Fran out hanging over me. Packing going very badly as Ana Frid has gone back to Sweden for Christmas, so not here to distract Hugh who is driving me mad by ‘helping’. Keeps removing things from the case when my back is turned & has just carried off a pile of the girls’ pants & put them in the bin. Can’t totally blame him though, as he had watched me earlier retrieve a particularly holey pair of Maddie’s tights from the case & do the same thing so I expect he just thinks every so often you take something out of the case & throw it away … shall have to keep a sharp eye on him. Girls keep bringing me bulky objects that they ABSOLUTELY MUST bring & every time I say no this precipitates much weeping (from Maddie anyway). Ellie handed me a large boxed weaving kit she was given last Christmas & has never even opened & is insisting on bringing it. Too weak to argue any more so have put it in the case just to shut her up – must remember to remove it & hide it when she is in bed. Anyway, any last-minute requests from old Blighty? Perhaps a jar of Marmite that can smash in my case & spread itself over presents & clothes?

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Dan Bailey

      

      Flight really good, children were fantastic. Amazingly, Hugh really good too, slept quite a lot (v hotly on top of me) & was generally quiet & happy as allowed to watch unlimited telly. Only upset on flight was when Ellie shut her tray with a full cup of orange juice on it & it poured sideways onto crotch of teenage boy next to her & then I had to resist automatic maternal reflex to mop him up. I have managed to forget the bloody buggering travel cot, think I left it in the dining room so you’ll have to bring it when you come (DO, however, have Ellie’s weaving set). Nell & I have had to fashion Hugh a rather uncomfortable bed out of open suitcase filled with towels & blankets. Hope he stays in it & doesn’t mind ridgey bit in the middle too much. Ring me later – just make sure it’s not 3 in the morning our time. xxx

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Dan Bailey

      Re: 1st day

      

      Sorry I missed your call (we were out buying Xmas tree) which Nell (not being tree-decorating Nazi like me) is allowing children to decorate themselves under Josie’s supervision. Weather not particularly cold & absolutely no sign of snow. Apparently so far it’s the mildest winter for last 16 years. Obviously completely my fault for fully kitting out entire family with Arctic snow gear & promising children lots of marvellous snow-related activities. Try phoning later. xxx

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Dan Bailey

      

      Sorry about abrupt end to phone call last night – Hugh had escaped his suitcase in the basement bedroom, staggered up lethal polished wooden stairs towards kitchen in v slippy sleep suit & appeared in the kitchen. Have now had to erect barricade of boxes in front of his bedroom door to try to stop him escaping. Bed, a monster of our own invention, sure it’s incredibly uncomfortable & 6-inch sides not adequate to contain peripatetic 2-yr-old. Children had v exciting communal bath in Nell’s jacuzzi tonight, we added a tiny bit of bubble bath which when combined with high-pressure jets of water & many splashing children created giant foam tower that overflowed onto the shiny marble floor. Highly polished marble perfect choice of material for a bathroom floor, as soon as it is slightly wet entire surface becomes rink of death.

      

      Ring me tomorrow. xxx

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Dan Bailey

      

      Can you bring my knitting & Ellie’s hippo? Misses him dreadfully & weaving set no good to cuddle. Also brace yourself as will be ovulating day you arrive. xxx

      

      From: Louise Corrigan

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      Re: Christmas cheer

      

      Happy holidays! Hope you’re having a great time and the kids are well and not too jet-lagged. Must be wonderful to see Nell and family again. Rang to speak to you in London (forgot you had left already) and got Dan who sounded not like himself and said he was missing you all a lot and didn’t know what to do in the evenings. We’re really well. Our book is going well and we fired our agent and have a great new one who already has two, possibly three, publishers who are interested. Finally settled on a title, ‘Sexetiquette – The Manners and Mores of Modern Mating’. Also, we have signed a deal to write the sex advice column in a new weekly paper called NY Village Views. Walt and I celebrated yesterday by both having a manicure & pedicure at Bliss Spa. It was really fun, sat next to each other on throne seats while it was done, you & Dan must do it next time you come to NY. Send my love to everybody. Speak soon x L

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Louise Corrigan

      Re: Congratulations

      

      Well done, you so deserve it. (Does this make you sexperts?) Love the title of your book, can’t wait to read it.

      

      We’re having a wonderful time, everything incredibly wholesome & well run & Canadians so polite & welcoming. Extraordinarily, absolutely no snow though, which we’re a bit gutted