And God Created the Au Pair. Pascale Smets

Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      Re: emergency situation developing

      

      Haven’t made/bought & therefore obviously sent out any Christmas cards yet & people keep sending the bloody things to me. Present buying also v much in arrears as was lulled into false sense of security by buying what I thought were loads of presents in October & then doing nothing till now. Checked present drawer yesterday – unfortunately loads turns out to be 3 & none of those particularly great. So now you must quickly tell me what you want & what your offspring passionately want that is also easily available, extremely cheap, light & easy to carry. Dan & I just going to give each other stockings this year – the felt sort filled with thoughtful little gifts not spanky stay-ups for pervy sex (although sure Dan would prefer to give me some of them rather than the waffle iron I am going to ask for – intend to become the sort of person who makes fresh waffles for breakfast). Re Xmas cards – have you received Selena’s annual soft-focus photo of her children charading as a Christmas card yet? I haven’t & am also eagerly anticipating Annabel’s Christmas round robin describing in fascinating detail events of the past year – its highs, its lows, its ups, its downs, its ins, its outs, etc, etc … although actually there never are any lows, downs or outs. Last year, best she could manage was burning 50 home-made hot-cross buns intended for Easter fete tea. May have to ring you when it comes, to read it to you, as Dan doesn’t derive the proper enjoyment from it. If only she knew how much pleasure her Christmas message brings.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Am naturally eager to share Annabel’s holiday message with you. Christmas very much a time to spread happiness and am therefore delighted to be able to share similar (though email), from Suzette which came this morning. Am of course flattered, though somewhat taken aback to already be in the ‘dear friends’ category but one shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Think it does add a little extra touch of class to share with her 100 closest friends the coy hints about her marvellously active sex life with Kane. Clearly if one is as attractive as she is, one’s husband can’t keep off rogering one senseless every 5 mins. Don’t suppose this is so in Annabel’s case, what with being married to a man of the cloth.

      

      Dear friends

      

      A very merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous New Year to you all. Another year has flown by and Kane and I and our beautiful girls are happy and well. As the years pass we find more and more joy in reflecting on our many blessings and as this year draws to its close we can certainly look back with peace and happiness in our hearts.

      

      The girls are growing up so fast, Sophie is almost as tall as I am now, a real young woman, and they are both so funny and special and continue to do wonderfully well in their studies. We are very fortunate. Sophie is proving to be quite a gifted artist with many of her pictures displayed around her school and Takara is still a very keen gymnast and her coach tells me she shows great promise.

      

      I have taken up horseback riding this year and started learning the saxophone as I am always looking for ways to expand my horizons. Music, of course, enriches the soul and riding is an amazing way to free your mind and refresh your spirit. My instructor is wonderful, though quite a tease. He calls me ‘The Red Peril’ – I can’t think why!!

      

      Kane and I took a fabulous vacation in California in the spring, the first we have had without the girls for some years. We had a great time, wonderful meals, walks along the beach, just spending time together and of course plenty of … romance! … it was like a second honeymoon and I packed lots of lacy lingerie and very little else, not that Kane needs encouraging in that direction at any time of the year!!

      

      Our menagerie continues to grow since I can never resist an animal in distress, so we now have our two dogs, Buster and Bibi, both great characters. Three cats, Mittens, Lolly and Peetie – they consider themselves very superior to the dogs! We have also inherited a mynah bird called Min who makes us laugh with his tricks and a lizard called Spike who keeps escaping so this house is even crazier than before!

      

      So, dear friends I send you all our warmest holiday wishes. May your tables be laden, your homes warm and welcoming and your dear ones be near you throughout this special season.

      

      Suzette, Kane, Sophie and Takara

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      Re: All Things Christmassy

      

      How can I get on her mailing list? Haven’t so thoroughly enjoyed reading anything for ages. Glad to hear you’re wrong about Sophie and she’s not moody and unpleasant but is ‘funny and special’. Took Fran to get her Christmas tree this morning (Joe away). She has another driving test next week and says by law of averages she will definitely, definitely pass this time, seemed churlish to mention don’t think examiners take the law of averages into account when they decide whether or not you’re road-worthy … anyway ended up buying a tree for us too. Even though we’re coming to you, seemed miserable not to get one at all & the children all desperate for one. Spent the afternoon decorating it – tried not to be too blatantly controlling by immediately rearranging their decorations but instead will wait till they’re safely in bed. Hugh’s rather catastrophic method of embellishment was to just hold the decoration in the vicinity of the branch he wanted it to go on & then let go. Didn’t work very well. So I spent the afternoon sweeping up decorations while he stood behind me going ‘uh-oh’.

      

      Got Selena’s ‘card’ this morning, probably hasn’t reached you yet so allow me to whet your appetite. This year it’s a musical theme with Ariadne playing the lute (no, that is not a typo it really is a lute), Portia on a clarinet/oboe? can’t tell really so bloody soft focus & dark (obviously whole scene candlelit) & as the piece de resistance Edwin playing a v manly harpsichord. Do they actually play any of these instruments? Can’t decide whether it’s worse to set the whole thing up as a gigantic pose or actually make your child learn the lute & harpsichord …

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Yes, hard one to call, rather suspect they do actually learn them, after all have with my own eyes seen the girls wearing velvet cloaks with fur muffs. Am obviously now awaiting the card most eagerly. Mind you, not impossible that it came and I never saw it as I walked into the kitchen yesterday to find Michael opening a Christmas card, glancing at it then chucking it in the bin. As I have never yet seen him open anything that came in the post in our 87 years of marriage I was momentarily rendered speechless. When I did recover power of speech I gently enquired how many other cards he had thrown out. Unfortunately I was unable to elicit any useful information as he thought it might be a few but couldn’t say who they were from, so now suspect there may be cards to which I have failed to retaliate.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      Re: Christmas Bazaar (I shall be marvellous)

      

      Dan says he is going to kill me as I have become involved in the fundraising committee at school and have volunteered to help run the Christmas bazaar. Am in charge of Christmas decorations stall so schlepped all the way to Old Street to specialist art shop to buy v thin sheet copper & tin with which to make charming leaf decorations (these will be sold on the stall), fingers now bloodied stumps & children & husband sick of me ignoring them while I make v tasteful oak-leaf garlands. Still have to make 100 mini felt stockings & Xmas trees