And God Created the Au Pair. Pascale Smets

Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Can’t believe you still have any of Mum’s evil old mattresses. You do realise not everyone was raised in the same haphazard way we were and is thus inured against beds with sharp protuberances or strange lumpy pillows. Good job she’s short so hopefully won’t impale herself immediately. Do think you should consider buying the poor girl a new mattress though.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Ana Frid arrived today. Dan picked her up from the airport & then drove her the ‘scenic’ route home pointing out London’s teenage hot spots like Leicester Square & Oxford Circus. Photo she sent us quite inaccurate – she actually looks 12 not 14 & is tiny like a doll. Worried in case one of the laundry towers falls on her & she can’t get out.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      I’d be more worried about breaking the news to her that there’s no heating or hot water if I were you.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Hurrah for au pair girl. Ana Frid completely fantastic. While laundry situation not yet fully under control at least now greater proportion of our clothes in drawers than on floor, Hugh’s ‘soft play area’ all but gone, & Dan no longer wearing jumpers to office to hide unironed shirts. Girls completely in love with her & think she is v beautiful. Ellie says she loves her ‘yellow hair & red cheeks’ – doesn’t sound so great when put like that.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Am v envious. Cynthia continues to exceed my expectations and I think may prove to be the worst cleaner I have ever had. She has told me that she’s here in Canada on refugee status and although she wants to get more work it is very hard (possibly because she’s so useless?). Means she is completely reliant on the money she earns from me and can’t get welfare. Obviously this means if I sack her I will burn in hell.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Bloody hell, Keith and Gerry have worked all w/e and central heating still not fixed. Interestingly, while it is working v well in basement & on top floor, middle 2 floors are still freezing. Children have all caught nasty colds, no doubt caused by sharp climate change as you walk through the house. Although now v nippy out don’t dare crank up existing heating any more as am fearful that downstairs warm front will meet middle-floor cold front precipitating rainfall in hallway. Have hot water in the basement but am not prepared to bath in kitchen. Also Albert very huffy about Keith the interloper and keeps lifting floorboards to inspect his work and then shaking his head disapprovingly. Unfortunately am quite certain it is only a matter of time before Albert shares his misgivings about Keith & Gerry’s workmanship with me & I really don’t think I can stand another conversation about pipework or ‘rads’ though at least Albert calls them radiators.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Any builder worth his salt thrives on delivering bad news. Probably wise to prepare yourself for the worst about the job they’re doing. We’ve been preparing for Hallowe’en which is a lot of fun here, much bigger deal than in England. Shops have been full of pumpkins, hay bales and eight-foot bunches of corn on the cob stalks for ages (purpose is rustic decoration). I’ve bought all of the above in rush of excitement. Children are going to attend school in costume (racks of them in every supermarket so trouble-free). Ollie is going to be a Teletubby – Tinky Winky? the gay purple one at any rate, Rob is a dinosaur, and Josie is a witch.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Don’t think Tinky Winky is v scary unless you are a homophobic anorexic, frightened of the colour purple. Hugh is accompanying the girls to a friend’s Hallowe’en party. I’ve made him an excellent miniature dracula cape. He looks adorable in it & is v proud. E & M skeleton & witch respectively.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Charlotte Bailey

      

      Different here, you can dress up in any costume, doesn’t have to relate to Hallowe’en. Bit of a shame I think but have compensated by putting lots of spiders and bats on all the window sills round the house.

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Albert & Keith have finally come face to face. Not good. I didn’t really understand their conversation but I think Albert asked Keith some provocative questions about BTUs & stopcocks. Anyway Keith is really pissed off and asked me if ‘that old geezer’ will be around much. Was mendacious enough to say no as although Albert at the moment spends all day, every day here, Keith is working evenings & weekends so am reasonably confident I should be able to keep them apart.

      

      From: Nell Fenton

      To: Rachel Lockwood

      Re: Happy Birthday

      

      Dear Rachel, hope you are having a lovely day. You will no doubt be impressed that I am emailing you on the ACTUAL day of your birthday AND I have also sent your present (several days ago in fact) instead of my more usual practice of storing it in a drawer for 4 months. Hope you like it, would say you can change it if you don’t, but that would be a lie. Love Nell

      

      From: Rachel Lockwood

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Dear Nell

      

      It’s true I am deeply impressed, and the beautiful sweater arrived today. I absolutely love it and only one day after my birthday, which is frighteningly competent of you (but we mustn’t underestimate the pleasure of getting a birthday present at a totally random time of year – I say this in self-defence as I can never live up to the new you). I wish I could say Jack had put as much thought into his present, but actually he gave me some CDs and a coffee-table book on historic houses (yes, a coffee-table book though I am in fact his wife and not his hard-to-buy-for great-uncle). He’d clearly bought the presents on his way back from work the night before and quite frankly I’m so fed up with him generally, I don’t think I’d even have bothered to feign delight if it hadn’t been for Jonathan’s eager little face watching me across the breakfast table. I think he felt a bit guilty because he promised to come home early and take me out for dinner but of course he phoned later and said he’d been held up, so that was that. Sorry for the long whine and thank you again for my lovely present.

      

      Fondest love to all

      Rachel xx

      

      From: Charlotte Bailey

      To: Nell Fenton

      

      Hate people who talk about being stressed out, consider it to be poofy middle-class whingeing & v naff, so have come up with different expression to describe current state of mind. Think I will say am feeling very highly strung (good as this also implies v well bred