Legend of the Peeing briton. Павел Тюрин

game personified object. An exciting game, called ‘The Britons’ Last Season,’ designed for adults only, has appeared on-line at http://www.mildaslaiks.lv/britu-pedeja-sezona/. The game features the Freedom statue (‘Milda’, the sculpted beauty) fighting off a crowd of blockheads; something that she has never done before, and protecting herself from such unconventional impulses of the British trying to obtain their freedom. The computer game ‘The Last Britons’ Season’ is relatively simple: splashes of the British urine are aimed and Milda fights them off with her shield.

      Her actions are reinforced with the exclamations such as: ‘May all of you have prostatitis!’ or ‘Shut your fly!’ and so on. If the player fails to protect her, a picture of a jubilant, half-naked Briton appears in the end.

      The Latvian computer specialists quickly responded to the announcements that the image of blockhead will be made into a statue and are now creating their own peeing-images

      The game develops better eye vision, precision, and reaction – the boy scout’s skills. But not just these. This game helps foreigners understand the character of the local population, and to get accustomed to the local traditions, while it helps the local citizens to increase their intellectual and moral stamina.

      May Every History have its Own Museum![50]

      In connection to the ever increasing interest towards the figure of the ‘Peeing Briton’ the fans had an idea to suggest to the Riga City Council an establishment of the ‘The Peeing Museum.’ At the museum’s entrance a figure of the ‘Peeing Briton’ made according to the classical rules of art, will greet the visitors from its pedestal.

      The Museum will exhibit not only the police files, arrest records, and the results of the forensic analyses on the thirty year old Richard P. Blockhead, but his numerous imitators from abroad, too. It will feature a collection of their photographs, video recordings, records of the evidence from the witnesses, hospital release papers, media comments, tales of the similar stories in tourists’ lives and so on. Besides, there will be souvenirs by the folk artists who have responded to the visiting blockheads from England with making miniatures of Richard’s statues.

      Museum’s exhibits

      Floristics Sector. The blooming flowers in the toilet orangeries

      Another attraction of the Museum is its female Head Janitor who was born and bred to be a Minister of Culture. But as soon as the current vacancy opened, without hesitation she resigned and dedicated her life to serving the cleanliness of the floors in the temple of this contemporary idol. The hiring committee took into account not only her professional managing experience, but above all the many years of cleaning experience at the Museum of Foreign Art.

      The special area of the Museum’s exhibition reserved only for the Peeing British Club members

      Some of the exhibits of this Special area of the Museum may be shocking, so here we only reproduce the most modest examples for the fear of traumatizing the underprepared viewer. It is believed that this tap of the Head janitor’s sink is an exact replica of the ‘tap’ possessed by its English owner.

      The tour guides warn the visitors that in other rooms of the Museum the taps do not necessarily correspond to the originals of its employees

      The Museum has also created a vacancy for the full-time employee whose job it is to respond to the letters addressed to the Peeing Briton, since, it is foreseen that the avalanche of the correspondence will not die down. The letters to the ‘PB’ will have to be written in the English language and of course not in the state language at all, just like they are written to Santa Claus in Lapland. In the not so distant future Latvijas Pasts will have to start thinking on developing the special postal imprint of the Peeing Briton and the issue of the memorable stamps in order to satisfy the philatelists’ needs.

      The first postal stamp has been issued to commemorate the Museum’s opening

      The Numismatists are also delighted – they have found out that one of the minting manufacturers of Europe is planning to produce coins with the image of the distinguished Briton.

      The drawn model of the unique Eurocoin is already prepared

      Beware of the Fakes![51]

      Some people were keen to exploit this insane popularity of the ‘Peeing Briton’ sculpture and in the souvenir market in Riga disgusting fakes started to appear from nowhere. These quick cheapies were produced by the unscrupulous hacks in the best case, or more precisely by the enemies of the new Movement. And as if that’s not enough, the most prominent element of ‘the Briton’ is made disproportionally little. With them it is hardly even noticeable any more! All right! Let it be so! But let us ask who needs this naturalism that has been long since condemned by the rules of aesthetics?! Is it ethical to pedal this feature of his with such tactlessness?! It is simply not nice! Besides, remember the poet said: All the obscene world’s truths are not to us as dear as the exalting lies.[52] Frankly speaking, this should be seen as an attempt to discredit not only the favourite of all the tourists, but an attempt to mar the Movement as a whole and lower the significance of the peeing Briton.

      It is little wonder, that equally disgusting types are in abundance among the unscrupulous merchants: those who don’t only cover up the sloppy handy crafts, but even doubt the very fact of the heroic deed (no question they do it in line with someone else’s will). Thus they try to convince the gullible tourists that the policemen that captured Dick near the Monument of Freedom conspired with him; they say that there was nothing heroic in his act. They hint that Richard knew in advance that Latvian authorities will reprimand him just for show, but as he would be leaving they would chase after him and apologise for their Euro-incorrectness by saying that the policemen hired from the underdeveloped Latgale didn’t understand him correctly. But who’s going to listen to this slander?!

      Naturally, insults like these will be answered accordingly! Richard’s most devoted allies already have a plan to create such a statue so nobody would ever doubt the manliness and sexual attractiveness of our hero. In the interviews they gave to the journalists, the enthusiasts said: ‘And then all will see how it will raise his score!’[53] Laughing, the perky girls from the Čaka and Lačpleša streets chimed in: ‘Oh, don’t you worry, we can raise anybody’s score!’ [54]

      Horticulture[55] and Culinary Arts[56]

      And now the truth comes out that naughty Julien didn’t only pee on the front porches of old Brussels, but also in the flower pots of his grandmother’s, in which she had been growing tulips that had later made Holland famous. Indeed our virtues stem out of our vices. Taking into account the experiments of the little rascal, local horticulturalists of today who learned of Blockhead’s feat in Riga, have cultivated two kinds of urino-resistant tulips. To acknowledge the special accomplishments of the patron of all the peeing, Little Julien, the petals of the ‘Manneken Pis’ were made in black, yellow, and while colours, and the petals of the ‘Peeing Briton’ were white with red crosses on them.[57]

      These tulips are often laid at the foot of the monuments to our heroes. Their popularity increases even more on the 11th and the 19th of November and the

50

Riga Bathroom Guide.

51

Customer rights’ herald: ‘Be damned!’

52

This line comes from Alexander Pushkin’s 1830 poem ‘The Hero’ where the two characters debate the value of the truths and lies in relation to the human being.

53

It will only take the readers to have one look at the Riga Colosus erected on the Daugava River. His size, certainly, sheds all doubts, you can look at page 199 and see for yourself.

54

Čaka and Lačpleša streets in Riga are known as the districts of street prostitution, so the perky girls from these streets are none other than prostitutes.

55

Horticultural journal: ‘Heroic flowers’.

56

Special Issue of gourmet journal: ‘Eat immediately!’ is an English edition of the gastronomic paper, and ‘Bon appétit!’ is a French edition of the Association supporting the exclusive restaurants.

57

The red cross on the white background does not only indicate merciful and humane efforts, but also the Crusaders, the liberators from the unfaithful sign.