Legend of the Peeing briton. Павел Тюрин

you let him first go collect stones!

      And we would like to add that it would keep happening as long as there is a shortage of the public bathrooms! Final curtain!

      Ah, Arbat, My Arbat![32]

      We have already announced that the ballet production of ‘BP-PB – Superstar’ is in full swing. Without a doubt it will rival such musical masterpieces as the ‘Westside Story’ by Leonard Bernstein, ‘Chicago’ by John Kander, Fred Ebb and Bob Fossy, ‘The Lady and the Hooligan’ by Dmitri Shostacovitch and Vladimir Mayakovsky as well as others. The people of the Moscow artistic circles were quicker than others and were the fist to stage a ballet called ‘The Lady and the Peeing Gentleman’ that is concerned with a love challenge of our days.

      A day before the premiere they erected a ‘Peeing Briton’ monument next to the theatre on Arbat. On that same day they kicked Princess Turandot off the stairs all the way to the theatre’s props storage room. In the evenings many people

      Academic Theatre Vakhtangov in Moscow on the Arbat Street, 26. After the ‘PB-BP – Superstar’ premiere on the 19 November it was decided to leave the monument on the fountain due to the many requests of the exhilarated audience. It was at once evident that the fountain suits the monument a lot better than it does the so called ‘Princess Turandot’.[33] The monument is made of colour polymer cement and is incrusted with valuable wood from Cherry Island, an island of the Loch Ness

      gather at that place. Among them can be seen:

      idolators and

      ###at-something-hinters,

      ######parkourers-about-face-beatniks (and simple beatniks)

      #########punks,

      ############hippies,

      ###############rockers,

      ##################hang gliders,

      #####################as well as free and indentured masons from the construction of the ‘Museum of the Peeing’ in Riga.

      Of course, Richard would be glad to know that he has much in common with the Russians – they are not excessively pious towards legislation, rather they are contemptuous of those who put laws above all. We can say that the ‘Peeing Briton’ declared his official address[34] on Arbat and, certainly, now they pay particular attention to the guests from Latvia where Blockhead experienced such unbelievable relief at the foot of the Freedom Monument.

      After the premiere the monument was buried in flowers. The lovers’ who have once suffered difficult love affairs, threw notes with their promises and affirmations into his hat. The young female fans of Blockhead sauntered along Arbat with their strollers and observed them condescendingly, if not to say arrogantly. It was rumoured that Richie himself visited them in their night dreams. In those dreams they reportedly had mad sex with Richie (‘like totally awesome’ in their own words) and after nine months, as a result of these night-visionary orgies, they delivered lively babies, real Wunderkinds. We don’t know yet if the mothers will demand of Blockhead to affirm his paternity, or if they will want the child support money. Obviously, there were all kinds of different reactions from the husbands of such lucky ladies to these explanations of the miraculous conception. But, in general, there were no protests about such one-night stands. Their only worry wasthat Richie would not seduce the minors in their sleep.[35]

      There was even a police post established next to the ticket offices in order to supervise the hype of getting the next show’s tickets and the order around the monument when the arguments on love and art become heated. The theatre lovers debated the erotic aesthetics of the new Bolshoi productions, such as ‘Rosenthal’s Children’ and ‘Ruslan and Ludmila.’ Furthermore, they note the marked influence of the ‘BP-PB – Superstar’ imagery on these plays.

      Richard was not excluded from the debate on the fate of the art especially after he had received a photograph that showed how some of the spectators wrote a dirty Russian word on the wall, next to the play’s poster. Rick was stunned by the tastelessness and ugliness of the shapes of their writing.[36] He, quite differently from them, had always received excelled marks in college précis writing. Thus he was entitled to send his own sketch of a sacral word to the theatre’s administration asking to put up his artistically impeccable depiction with the horridly written word.[37]

      In the Russian dictionary he did not find such combination of letters[38] but since this word was at the art temple he decided that it must be a theatrical abbreviation. With the help of a Russian-English dictionary he deduced that this abbreviation stands for the ‘Temple of Clever Yorik’ [39] (he has always loved this Shakespearian jester – a friend of Hamlet’s).

      The light touch, the natural grace, the artistic expression of the hieroglyph depicting the magic word symbolises the crossroads of a life journey. This is Rick’s lesson to the novice street artists in calligraphy

      For objectivity’s sake we need to note that Dick has not learned the nuances of the Russian language too well yet. His foreign accent is still prominent, for example he confuses Russian И with English N, but it does not interfere with the recognition of the word. Bravo, Blockhead! We thank you!

      A Grand Success at the ‘EUROVISION 2009’ Сontest[40]

      Few people are aware of the fact that one Alexander Rybak, a Russian from Norway who won the first prize at the Eurovision 2009 contest, with his ‘Fairytale’ song, owes his success to the shock that he had experienced from the love tragedy of the boy scout and the young ballerina. So, naturally, he dedicated his remarkable song to Richard Blockhead. This was Alex’s triumphant way to express his solidarity with Dick Blockhead. This impressive victory at the Eurovision contest with the Fairytale song became a pledge to the tenacious Briton who has suffered at his post, doing his duty because of his love and loyalty to his word.

      Not many had understood Rybak’s words then. But disregarding their fatigue from many other silly songs, everyone in the audience was touched by a true blockhead’s story. Bliss descended on the singer when Rybak sang of the unhappy Briton and the heartbreak he had suffered apart from his beloved. Not only the feeling touched the many ‘Peeing British’ Club members but raised sympathy in each one who had to wait for the tardy girlfriends for so very long. Here is the abridged version of this piercing song’s lyrics in the original language and the translation.

      Fairytale by Alexander Rybak

      Years ago, when I was younger,

      I kinda liked a girl I knew.

      (It is absolutely clear that these words are about Richie and his ballerina)

      She was mine, and we were sweethearts

      That was then, but then it’s true

      (Rybak found such precise expressions to reflect the feelings of the sweethearts!)

      I don’t know what I was doing,

      (This has to do with that very moment when Richie has already practically over spilled the feeling brewing inside him!)

      When suddenly we fell apart

      (This is about when the ballerina saw Richie at his post, but chose

32

A weekly journal ‘OutArbat’. Arbat is referred to The Arbat Street, one of the oldest streets (now pedestrianized) in the historical centre of Moscow. ‘Ah, Arbat, my Arbat’ are the chorus words of a popular Russian song by Bulat Okudzhava written in 1959.

33

When Richard Blockhead was shown a photo of a gilded doll on the Arbat fountain, so that he could determine the extent of her fountaniety, he exclaimed: ‘What kind of fountain can she possibly be?!’ ‘Не верю!’ – ‘I do not believe!’ he uttered clearly in Russian without excessive ceremonies, according to the Stanislavski method. Stanislavski (1863–1938) is a famous Russian actor and theatre director, a founder of the ‘method acting’ – a pervasive method based on the verisimilitude of acting. He was known for criticizing the actors’ performance by saying: ‘I don’t believe you!’

34

To declare one’s official address is conveyed by the Russian word ‘прописываться’. This word can also be a derivative from the verb ‘to pee’ (писать). So the author alludes to his character abundantly peeing on the Arbat Street, which sounds like his declaration of address.

35

The best psychologists and somnologists struggle with the task of stopping such form of paedophilia. And the juvenile fakers deserve a special concern.

36

The Russian word ‘написание’ can be translated as ‘writing’ or as ‘peeing’. This pun is also reflected in the Russian word ‘чистописание’, which stands for accurate writing but may also sound as ‘accurate peeing.’

37

Obviously, some amateurs did that job.

38

Dick could not have known then that his name, Dick – an affectionate derivative of his name in English coincided with the derogatory meaning hidden in his calligraphic art.

39

The picture shows concealed Russian letters Х, У and Й, which is a popular pejorative word for penis in the Russian language discourse. According to the author’s interpretation this may also coincide with ‘Храм Умного Йорика’ or, in translation the ‘Temple of Clever Yorik’.

40

The result bulletin of the Eurovision contest: ‘The Russian heart of the Norwegian Oslo’. The author uses an alliteration of the Norwegian capitol’s name ‘Oslo’ with the Russian word ‘Осeл’ — a donkey.