Legend of the Peeing briton. Павел Тюрин

for men only, made to look like an open side pocket. Since the monument is to stand in the historical centre of Riga, near the English Club men can come and do like the ‘Brit’ did – pee on the peeing!

      Each and every one will be able to stand next to the sculpture and go for a number 1. But one has to be alert during dark November evenings, especially on the 11th when a real flood of tourists is expected, so not to confuse the peeing statue with a man peeing into it. And of course, men have to take precaution and make sure that they are not taken for a monument either. If one wants to be truly safe they should ask: Do you speak English? If one hears no answer one can assume that it is safe to pee.

      We have to say that at this point people are already anxious about this being the only sculptural urinal in the city. We definitely need more of these made in a variety of materials should it be cement, lead, or marble.

      But the Puritans of the city are worried about a different matter. They are concerned about a famous tourist superstition that rubbing certain parts of famous sculptures can fulfil the wishes. According to the Puritan representatives, this superstition will cause people to rub the Brit’s offending organ until it is polished to gold. As such this part will radiate such sex appeal that will shine even in the middle of night and will disturb the good people.

      Such a treasure will surely attract even the newlyweds who will come to the monument in their limousines and lay flowers at its feet. Also the gay parades (to hell with ’em!) will conclude their demonstrations with ritualistic dance around it. The only thing left to advise to these overly pious Puritans is to come and paint the British member, just like Pope Pius the Fourth painted over Michelangelo’s images in the 16th century. That is if they want to contest Pius’s piousness.

      Everybody knows that ‘Chizhik-Pyzhik’[10] was stolen in St. Petersburg, or that the ‘Little Mermaid’s’ head was sawn off in Copenhagen. And now we have it here, too. When the protruding part of the peeing Brit achieved a blindingly bright polish someone sawed it off at night. The flower girl named Elisa who was usually selling flowers just around the corner on Pils street reported the following to us: ‘Somebody pinched it; and what I say is, them as pinched it sawed it off!’[11] Next we asked who pinched it and who sawed it off for which she retorted: ‘Wha’ ja mean “who?” The ungodly pious uns. The Puranians castrated ‘im!’

      As if that wasn’t enough soon after this act of vandalism, while the city council was busy looking for a worthy substitute, somebody from the local flea market installed a halogen lamp with a battery in place of the missing member. They must have done so out of sympathy. But in any case, now the monument serves as a light in the darkness of the narrow street. So as you see, we indeed have very real causes for worry.

      The Peeing British Club[12]

      It has come to our attention that fans of the ‘Peeing Briton’ intend to organise their own club – their own writers’ guild. As members of this club they also claim the right to attend all public bathrooms for free on the territory of the European Union. Many believe that this is their way to continue the relay started by the long-standing team ‘The Friends of Manneken-Pis’.

      Any citizen who has ever pissed on a famous monument can claim membership. However they need to provide the supporting documents, such as: a receipt for the fine payed, minutes of the trial, a hospital certificate concluding that they have been physically abused, photographs, police reports, etc. But let us emphasise that the ‘PB Club’ charter condemns such blasphemous actions in relation to the cemetery statues.

      The most prominent activists of this movement established a closed club within a club ‘VIP-Club-ХХХ’ that stands for ‘Very Important Peeing Club XXX’. These people enjoy social attention: they are asked for their autographs, they are invited to the corporate events, and to conduct master classes in peeing précis.[13]

      One manufacturer of the inflatable matresses bought a licence for producing a Peeing British Doll, and is successful in distributing it to the ‘ladies only’ sex shops.

      Sometimes the members of the VIP Club conduct special training sessions which are intended to remind the newcomers that they have entered a strictly closed society – hence the XXX

      Despite the secrets of the society, the VIP members are immediately known by the very important way of walking

      A member of the VIP Club is practicing a Kama Sutra position in an intimate embrace

      And this is certainly indicative of the fact that not all husbands correspond to the new standards of manliness, and the intimate needs of their beloveds.

      Naturally, the handicraft artists also saw the lucrative opportunity and were quick to change from the dull amber pieces to making decorative plates, cups, stickers, key-chains, ties, etc. All pieces are decorated with the symbol of open-mined attitude and are in high demand in souvenir shops.

      It is little wonder that due to the new trend, widespread interest to the nearly faded craft of embossing is on the rise again, but a new image is currently in demand. These plates now decorate bathroom doors where until recently a cute toddler on the pot was traditionally depicted.

      In some countries they have already started to change signs on the public bathroom doors. Where a gentleman with a walking stick, a triangle, or a letter M used to be, now a statue of our Briton can be seen. In case there is a queue, members of the Club enjoy the right to immediately pass.

      Awaiting the Anthem[14]

      As any organization with self-respect, ‘The Peeing British Club’ is now enthralled with the composition of its anthem. The work is still in the process, but some results are already emerging. The Club is grateful for the odes composed by the famous masters as well as by the novice authors who are still testing their talent and plume.

      No one remained indifferent to Blockhead’s outcry for freedom and its incredible consequences. However, our composers hardly move beyond the city love songs. Creating an anthem is not at all as easy as running your fingers on the keyboard when you make yet another silly hit, might you even be the best known of Maestros!

      Composers were pleased by the additional benefit to the prize fund in the form of the following announcement. ‘The Peeing British Club’ has announced that the new herald and a shout of freedom – the new radio station will start its broadcast in the near future. The new station is called PBC (please do not confuse with BBC!) The PBC broadcasts will begin early in the mornings with a powerful sound of the orchestra playing the ‘PB Club’ anthem.[15]

      The radio broadcasts will feature the news of the PB organization throughout the world, interviews with scientists, historians, and historical evidence on the prominent people ill with gout.[16] The concept of the new station implies talk shows with political leaders, who are not afraid to openly admit their untraditional preference answering the proverbial nature call. The audience will finally have a chance to hear the unabridged version of the theatrical radio play. ‘The Legend of the Peeing Briton’ will be preformed by famous actors (members of the Club). They are also planning pastoral and musical educational work, the culinary studio, and of course much, much more. At nights the PBC will conclude with the musical oeuvres saturated with the worship of freedom that have won prizes in many of the PBC contests. Of course soon these pieces will be sung by every bearded magician, hairy demon, and every other Wurst.

10

‘Chizhyk-Pyzhik’ is an old, famous Russian nursery rhyme about a fuzzy, feathery little bird (Siskin). In 1994 the municipal authorities of St. Petersburg installed a bronze statue of ‘Chizhik-Pyzhik’ on the bank of the River Fontanka in the city. Later the statue was repeatedly stolen.

11

This is inspired by Elisa Doolittle’s line ‘Somebody pinched it; and what I say is, them as pinched it done her in’ as written by Bernard Shaw in the ‘Pygmalion’. After all Elisa took the English language lessons from a famous professor.

12

The Peeing British Club issues a general club magazine ‘We miss only You!’ and ‘Come together! ‘ As well as the illustrated album ‘Famous Fountains’.

13

In the Russian language the word ‘to pee’ looks identical to the word ‘to write’, thus the phrase ‘peeing précis’ rather than the original meaning of ‘peeing precision’, is reminiscent of writing and conveys the allusion to Précis Writing.

14

Annual musical almanac: ‘Musical exercises’.

15

As of now anybody who looks up the notes on page 216 of the current book can play the anthem.

16

Pages 165–166 present objective scientific findings on patients with gout as having high levels of uric acid in the blood stream and its impact on the increased cognitive function.