Legend of the Peeing briton. Павел Тюрин

[17]

      As founded in the course of international conference in Singapore the World Toilet Organization (The WTO) has announced that it takes the public bathrooms decorated with the peeing Briton silhouette under its patronage, and the ‘Monument to the First Peeing Briton’ in Riga under its protection. Many have taken the news as one more victory of the human rights activists; they congratulated each other and applauded happily. That same year a World Toilet Day was proclaimed. And it is worth noting that this day coincides and is celebrated all around the world on the 19 November right after the Latvian Independence Day on the 18th. A natural question arises: why in November and why on the 19th?

      The numerology laws (!). 2006 is 2+6=8; and 8+11=19

      11 and 19!

      The numerologists see these dates as having a magical property since numerology is a system of mystical numerical connections between the events. They posit that on the 11November, precisely on the 11November 2006, a live manifestation of Freedom for humanity took place at the feet of its petrified image.

      11 is the key number! If you leave alone the date of the Lāčplēsis Day (that is just a matter of course!) but regard the number 2006 as digits you will get an 8. Now we put 11 and 8 together and we get the 19th of November or the holiday of the World’s Toilets. What are you going to do – the dates of these state holidays and the universal toilet celebration have a mystical connection.

      Sects[18]

      It is to be said with the deepest regret that among the ‘Peeing Briton’ enthusiasts that have hardly had time to establish themselves properly, some adverse activities have been noted. There are subgroups of the ‘secretly peeing’, which threaten to turn into fully-fledged sects.

      It all began as one company started to produce disposable diapers for grownups with an image of the ‘Peeing Briton’. And some people started approaching the famous monuments and peeing in their diapers as they sheepishly looked around, and then left as if they have not done a thing wrong. They even did that at the foot of the monument to Robert Baden-Powell, the founder of the Scout movement (see the illustration above). Such behaviour can only cause indignation or a contemptuous smile of a true follower of the ‘Peeing Briton’. Those who pee in secret are like the dissidents who flip a finger with a hand in a pocket. Those discredit the very idea of freedom and cause discordance in the movement. Such dishonest masking of ones true pee is not worthy of a gentleman!

      With their words they seem to protest, too, but in their hearts they do not want to shed the chains of traditions. When asked if they believe in Blockhead’s great mission they usually answer with an ambiguous ‘yeah, we do, but…’ What ‘but’? How can ‘but’ even be allowed in this sentence?! Are they abandoning faith? Are they constantly changing camps? Are they?!

      There is no fear of Blockhead in you!

      Nevertheless, they proclaim that if the discrimination does not stop at once and they are not accepted as fully-fledged members of the Club, they will establish a ‘Knighthood of the Secret Peers’. As such they will go underground and join with an alternative wing of the Blockhead movement, whose members have already managed to found a church ‘The Secret Path to Blockhead’. Many images of Blockhead adorn their walls, and the edges of the images all depict various episodes of the hero’s life. There is a two metre-tall statue, but it isn’t easy to find since the interior of the church is a labyrinth. So only the most determined can reach and finally attend to their most natural needs without any reservations!

      Some of the congregation made tattoos of the characteristic Blockhead pose, and some even embellished it with his initials. But this issue was nor free of controversy. What if some people take their PB as an abbreviation for ‘Partial Believers’? Of course a partial believer does not have absolute faith in Blockhead.

      And that would justly anger the orthodox – if you don’t have absolute faith, how dare you use Blockhead tattoos on your chests?!

      And for the Russians it won’t be easy either. What if somebody in a sauna or on the beach associates the letters PB next to the image of the ‘Peeing Briton’ as ‘Safety Police’ or, God forbid, as ‘Fear God’.[19] That would be seen as total blasphemy! All in all, sectarianism is harmful any way you look at it and such examples clearly support this position. All I want to say to these sectarians is: ‘PB! – Pursue Blockhead!’

      Ethnic Arguments on Authorship and Genetics[20]

      And here is some information about the events that could have actually been foreseen. In Great Britain they debate the national identity of this particular subject of Her Royal Majesty. The English blame the Irish, and the Irish think that only the English could have been involved in this scandal in Riga. You’d think that they would never settle their epic debate but a happy occurrence helped to change the historical bickering to a more positive tendency.

      A Pacifying Russian Word

      Yet another fight was about to break out in one London pub when the atmosphere became volatile and grave insults hit many a sore spot.

      – You are a stupid Irish bitch! I’ll show you!

      – Oh, yeah?! What can you show me, you dirty British bastard?!

      – See this?! (What was next shown was only somewhat reminiscent of the memorable pose).

      At that time a calm gentleman in glasses and a fur hat said something in clear and simple Russian language that immediately relaxed the threatening situation. Namely he spat out: ‘What animals!’

      Everyone heard the brilliant insight and that settled the arguing sides at once. And how else should they have read his words? The only nation in Great Britain that can be referred to as ‘animals’ is Scottish.[21] It is obvious that only those can behave this way, who believe that men have a right to prance around in chequered skirts. Thus the debate was settled and everybody was pleased.

      By the way, a group of British, Dutch, and Belgian scientists are now thoroughly examining archive documents of the 17th century in hopes of supporting an emerging hypothesis that claims genealogical connection between ‘Manneken Pis’ and his contemporary counterpart from Britain. The genealogists are also interested in this study because a particular gene can explain such an unusual desire.

      Cinema[22]

      The Club’s activists plan to hire Roger Waters, Dave Gilmour, and Nick Mason, the members of the famous British rock band Pink Floyd, with an offer to write a ‘Peeing Briton’ rock opera. They have the same offer for Alan Parker, the film director about making a film about unbelievable adventures of the Peeing Briton, which would highlight various episodes of his life, his childhood fantasies and desires, the author’s account of how he could have found himself in Latvia, and what power inspired him to conduct this Earth-shattering act on the holiday of the Lāčplēsis Day.

      Just like in the Parker’s video for Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’ the movie about the Briton will have to include game and animation elements, recreate the past and the present of the hero’s life, show wonderful images of his inner world and the environment that bred him.

      No doubt that the new film will be the main nominee for the American Academy Award. The filmmakers predict that the Oscar, a tiny gilded sculpture that shows a knight with a sword (that incidentally has no

18

A special issue of a Pious Bulletin: ‘Spiritual holes of the sectarianism’.

19

In the Russian language the words Peeing Briton (Писающий Британец) can be abbreviated as ПБ. The same two letters also stand for the (Полиция Безопасности) Safety Police or (Побойся Бога) Fear God.

20

‘Ethnology Made Easy’ Journal.

21

In the original language the stranger says: ‘Скоты’, which means cattle, but can also refer to the Scottish nation.

22

An annual Journal ‘Cinema-catharsis’.