Legend of the Peeing briton. Павел Тюрин

the off-the-record interview, the Latvian policemen hid their eyes and answered that they don’t want to detain the peeing due to the unwillingness to deal with them.

      The cops prefer for them to pay the fine at once and get lost!

      Why is it so? What is the matter? It is not about their leniency or their grovelling before the West! The police say that since Latvia has become part of the European Union these tourists not only demand to see their lawyers, but also cite the third article of the European Convention on the Human Rights.

      They bang on the doors of their cells and scream out the insults:

      – Sadists!

      – Savages!

      – Fascists!

      – the SS league!

      And what does it have to do with the SS league again!? And what does it have to do with us! The detained persons threaten to appeal to the Convention’s stipulations on the abolishment of torture and other humiliating punishment. And all that would occur if they are denied a separate cell with a contemporary toilet, an air conditioner, and other comfortable amenities of their prison lives for the entire time of incarceration. Can you imagine such a thing in our jails?! Where shall we get all of that?! If any minute detail is out of order, the lawyers are more than happy to scribble appeals for the mind-blowing amounts due in compensation for the alleged moral and physical suffering. If you drag each of these tourists into jail, we will never stay out of trouble. It really is not worth it. All these compensation claims destroyed our Ministry to the point where there was no means to support the Police Academy and it had to shut down.

      The Stakes of the New Inquisition[71]

      British Petroleum (BP) announced that their staff were happy to learn that the name of their company is practically indistinguishable from PB, and that alone makes them closer to Blockhead. The oil refinery workers became prouder as they became aware that the oil that bursts out of the ground also symbolises the desire for freedom. And when the management of the company conceded to change the order of the letters on their trade mark from ‘BP’ to ‘PB’ they started to pump oil even with more zest as their way of showing support to their distinguished countryman. The competitors saw that as a clever marketing ploy on the part of British Petroleum, and we can hardly contest that. After all it would be foolish not to acknowledge such a coincidence.

      Certainly such an effective campaign of support for Blockhead could not have gone unnoticed, and the counter reaction was to be expected. But who could have foreseen that the counter reaction would be so monstrous. In spring 2010 on the British Petroleum oil refinery platform in the Gulf of Mexico an explosion occurred and thirteen bepee-ers were killed in the peak of their prowess.

      When the society accused the antipeeiers of the sabotage they claimed that these were nothing but delusional conspiracy theories. Quite the opposite they argued that this BP incident is a mad gesture of the ‘Peeing British’ Club activists. This is absurd! It is as clear as day that this was an incitement created not by the honest competitors of British Petroleum such as Standard Oil or Exxon, but by the haters of Blockhead. The timing of the explosion, of course, indicts the offenders, since it happened soon after the news of the changed name became public. But, moreover, the explosion occurred on the infamous day of the 20th of April, Adolf Hitler’s birthday, the very same day when all the dissenters of freedom, who are ready to commit any anti-freedom crime, celebrate. Of course, as Blockhead expostulated himself at the foot of the Riga monument, he proved that he is, and always will be on the side of liberty.

      Unfortunately, as the case concerns the Peeing Briton’s opponents the official investigation yet again finds itself at a dead end. And this time again it boiled down to some inane reasons. Supposedly the construction of the unnecessary well suddenly became slanted, or the improper cementing was at fault, or some other nonsense was to blame for the catastrophe.

      And now the offenders may believe that they have got achieved their aim because BP has decided to postpone the former decision about the change of the logo. But the refinery workers from the temporarily deceased ‘Deepwater Horizon’ responded to this divertissement, by handing in the mass appeal to be accepted into the ‘Peeing British’ Club. They added that as soon as the drowned platform, the size of two football fields, could be re-established they would walk its perimeter holding Blockhead’s portraits.

      They with Us[72]

      Two WTOs are now ready to become ideological sponsors of the ‘Peeing British’ Club (not to be mistaken for the World Toilet Organization or World Tragedy Organization). Among the supporters the independent Amnesty International can also be noticed (just in case).

      The Club also has self-appointed supporters among the informal organizations (you can’t watch them all!), listing all from neoliberal to nudist and extremist. There are many romantics stomping the Earth, but few of them could have claimed their ideals with such outstanding expressiveness.

      The support for the movement, that has been ever increasing in front of our very eyes, taking into its orbit more and more social groups. The voices of protest are becoming more and more prominent from the feminist organizations. They accuse the Club of inventing yet another form of male chauvinism. These charges are not unsound and have to be accepted as a signal that it is too early to wear the laurels, and the final shaping of the movement is far from its completion. Indeed, the Jeanneke Pis born in 1985 is quite grown up now and needs to be properly allocated.

      There is room for growth – a lot of things need to be done!

      P. S

      The book about the legendary Briton is already included in the latest anthologies’ on the adventures of our remarkable contemporaries

      The announcements of the multiplying cases of imitation of Blockhead, and the scandals connected with him, keep flooding the media. There are so many of those, that there is no opportunity whatsoever to report all of these episodes because each instigator wants to steal a piece for themselves. Besides, it is not easy anymore to tell true facts from the unsound reporters’ fantasies, from which the thoughtful reader is to be protected.

      But the story of Richie himself is much more factual and wonderful, than even the story of the monument. Besides, they parted their ways. The monument acquired a life of its own and our hero had a life markedly different. He thought that his followers were trying to copy Blockhead’s looks, and failed to express the depth of his freedom-loving thought.

      The life of a person and his ideas is not at all like the straight flight of an arrow, and no one can ever be sure what will happen after the next curve. Nature alone can follow laws, but a human being only follows his own rules and when they dream they don’t even need those.

      Part 2

      In Exile

      Take him Home!

      After his memorable performance in Riga on the 11 November 2006 Richard P. Blockhead was sent to his historical motherland with honours. At first, still incensed, the United Kingdom wanted to award him to Australia, thus upholding tradition that the convicts should be send farther away from the metropolis’. But Australia declined the gift, and reminded the UK that they had stopped taking such presents back in 1868; plus, they have enough blockheads of their own. So, from the airport, Richie was delivered under a convoy to a practically uninhabited peninsula of Loch Ness, where he happened to have been originally from.

      Rick was forced to promise to the authorities that he would

71

The Crime Herald ‘Crimes classified as ‘None of Your Business!’’

72

The International Amnesty organization bulletin ‘AMIN’ dedicated to the violations of Human Rights.