The Four Rs of Parenting. Carmen Bynoe Bovell

be the person that you want your kids to become.” Those words resonate with me because I can’t be around my children and curse, smoke and hit their mother, or show lewd and bad behavior and then tell them not to do it. You know, there’s a time and place for everything. I leave certain language and certain behaviors behind when I’m around my kids, so my way of showing respect is to carry myself in a way that will not disrespect others I’m around or hurt their feelings. And I always try to be helpful when I can and show a positive attitude toward family, friends, and my kids. I try to carry myself in a way that I would want my kids to carry themselves.

      One way that my children show me respect is that they listen when I speak to them. At this point in their lives, they don’t have a lot of responsibility outside of doing their homework and being respectful of people. So their main responsibility is cleaning their room and doing their homework. And if we tell them clean your room or do your homework and we have to say it over and over again, it seems to be disrespectful. But what I’m learning is that it’s not necessarily disrespect. It’s more so that their young mind is on something else and to them that particular thing is more important than what you as a parent ask them to do. I don’t think it’s intentional.

      Shanice Bovell

      Respect is something that I have taught my boys. I have taught them that to get respect, you have to give respect. As young black men, they have to always be respectful, especially to their elders. I think that’s a very important trait to have, as they’re already stereotyped as being the opposite. Respect is a way of life. It’s about how you treat other people and carry yourself.

      Dorel Campbell-Adams

      Respect includes self-respect. Whatever your kids see in you on a daily basis, they mimic, and they become you as individuals. They do what they see in their father and/or their mother. They use their father as an example of a male in society, and that’s what they carry on. That’s why I think it’s important that we exhibit self-respect. Of course, self-respect starts from within. First, respecting your body in the way that you take care of it, respecting your mind and the way you feed it with knowledge on a daily basis, and if that’s a routine in the home, it becomes routine for the kids. We carry children along up until they leave the home, and then they develop their own views on life, and we hope they will take with them good habits developed from these family routines, such as self-respect, and that these will become routine in their own lives. It’s going to carry them longer into life than if you are inconsistent with your views on certain things during their foundation years.

      An example of consistency when it comes to self-respect or respect generally is parents being respectful to each other and not letting the kids see them being disrespectful to each other, such as being physically or verbally abusive to each other. If I accept that, then I am not valuing who I am, he’s not respecting me, and I don’t have enough self-respect to stop that behavior. I think sometimes it’s good that they see that we have disagreements, and they follow through and can see how the disagreements start and how they end. It shows that we still have a solid relationship and everything is fine. It’s okay to have disagreements, but mutual respect must be shown during disagreements.

      Desiree DeFlorimonte

      Respect can be defined as having the assurance and demonstrating high regard or confidence in yourself and others. I believe that showing care and consideration by thought, words, and deeds show that you value yourself and others. If you value yourself, you will think, say, and behave in ways that reflect this quality. I show respect when relating to myself, my child, and others. For example, I never use curse words or vulgarity, and when I overhear persons who do, to me they are exhibiting a lack of self-respect and respect for others. My personal mantra of “Divine Order” that comes from my love and respect for God emanates to my child, my family, and others. Respect begins with me. I am therefore more capable of respecting others if I first respect myself.

      When I think about respect between my child Angel and me, it was imperative that I lead by example and demonstrate how to be respectful. One aspect of being a good parent was to train my child to be respectful to me, her elders, and those in authority. Again, I think about my mother teaching me the basic manners of saying, “Excuse me,” “Please,” and “Thank you” when requesting something and when the request is granted. Disrespect was never tolerated in our home, and I had the same expectations for Angel. At an early age, she was required to be respectful to family members and other adults, including her teachers. Once, when she refused to eat her dinner and her grandmother scolded her stating, “Do you know how many children are starving in Guyana and you are wasting good, good food?” Angel rudely responded, “Well, send it to them.” I immediately intervened and let her know that it was inappropriate to speak to her grandmother in that manner and she needed to apologize. I believe if a child is permitted to be disrespectful to her parents/grandparents, then she will not be respectful to any adult. It was important for me to nip disrespectful behavior in the bud and talk about more acceptable ways to speak with adults, void of screaming and losing my cool…not always an easy thing to do.

      As Angel grew older, I realized that to show her respect, I had to be considerate of her feelings and show respect for her individuality, opinions, and accomplishments. There were occasions when my respectful relationship with my daughter meant being positive, giving praise, being supportive, showing empathy, and even apologizing when I made mistakes. Through the years, I learned and taught my child that respect should not be demanded but earned. I had to be the role model for my child to emulate being a respectful person.

      Ryan Dickson

      Respect is a sociological, cultural creation that is warranted and needed. I have an open view of respect—be flexible, listen, follow rules, do what works for human beings in the society as a whole, definitely respecting elders. Everybody is going to be one. Everybody was young at one time; it just makes sense. Elders have more knowledge, they’ve seen more things, and even that has value, so does respecting other people and respecting people’s space and giving them enough space to feel comfortable. You may not know their background or where they’re from and what their norms and traditions are, but there’s universal value in giving people space physically and getting consent for hugs and things of that nature. Then there’s creating space for people to speak up. You have a voice and a choice, and no matter what, choose to use them. And if you’re teetering on the brink of speaking up, or staying silent, consider strongly speaking up. Then there is respect for your life, to live your dreams, to live your lives to the fullest. When we don’t know how to do something, it’s okay to seek out the solution. That’s how I live out respect in my own life.

      I’m always seeking out development—mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, socially—and I have an attitude of curiosity. That’s how I live in my own life. Of course, holding the doors for people, saying please and thank you, being respectful to my mom, and doing so as a parent as well. I practice respect with my children and other family members, and I think this is pretty much a way to command respect.

      Richlyn Emanuel

      I don’t talk bad about people. I respect his face; he respects mine. I’m respectful to everyone around me, even if we don’t like each other. You don’t tear each other down, you say hello, you don’t walk away. I don’t allow people to disrespect me. Once they do it one time, I leave them alone, because as a single mom, you can’t allow others to disrespect you and you can’t have your son see that because then he’ll think, “Well, that’s the way I treat women.”

      I don’t allow my son Giovanni to disrespect me because the majority of his teachers in school are women. All the male role models in his life have shown him this is how you treat people, and this is how not to treat people. I try to maintain that; it’s hard sometimes, but I try.

      Raymond Fisher

      Respect is probably the cornerstone of all these four values. You have to have self-respect. You have to love yourself and know yourself and always be seeking self-improvement to show and teach others, especially your children. Respect is a two-way street. You have to give it to get it. It sounds like a cliché, but it’s very simple in its complexity. You set boundaries, and you have to adhere to them. What you most often see in a lot of homes of people