Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II. Egan Pierce

and can't come—that he is dining out with some

      jolly lads, and can't possibly be home for some hours—fall

      at her feet, and say that, having obtained the interview,

      you will not leave her. Your friends in the mean time must

      be engaged in making him as drunk as a piper. That's the way

      to do it, and if you execute it as well as it is plann'd,

      the day's your own.”

      “Bravo, bravo!” echoed from every one present.

      It was a high thing—the breach thus made, the horn-work was

      soon to be carried, and there could be no doubt of a safe

      lodgement in the covert-way.

      The gay Militaire met his inamorata shortly afterwards in

      Chelsea-fields, and after obtaining from her sundry

      particulars of inquiry, as to the name of her husband, &c.

      he acquainted her with his plan. The preliminaries were

      agreed upon, and it was deter-mined that the maid-servant,

      who was stationed as a spy upon her at all times, should be

      dispatched to some house in the neighbour-hood to procure

      change, while the man of letters was to be let in and

      concealed; and upon her return it was to be stated that the

      Postman was in a hurry, could not wait, and was to call

      again. This done, he was to make his escape by a rope-ladder

      from the window as soon as the old one should be heard upon

      the stairs, which it of course was presumed would be at a

      late hour, when he was drunk.

      The train having been thus laid, Old Vigilance dined out,

      and expected to meet the Colonel; but being disappointed,

      and suspicious at all times, for

      “Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind,”

      The utmost endeavours of the party to make him drunk proved

      ineffectual; he was restless and uncomfortable, and he could

      not help fancying by the visible efforts to do him up, that

      some mischief was brewing, or some hoax was about to be

      played off. He had his master-key in his pocket, and retired

      early.

      His Lady, whose plan had succeeded admirably at home, was

      fearful of having the door bolted till after twelve, lest

      the servant's suspicions should be aroused. In the mean

      time, the son of Mars considered all safe, and entertained

      no expectation of the old Gentleman's return till a very

      late hour. When lo and behold, to the great surprise and

      annoyance of the lovers, he gently opened the street door,

      and fearful of awaking his faithful charmer out of her first

      slumber, he ascended the stairs unshod. His phosphoric

      matches shortly threw a light upon the subject, and he

      entered the apartment; when, what was the surprise and

      astonishment of the whole party at the discovery of their

      situation!

      The old Gentleman swore, stormed, and bullied, declaring he

      would have satisfaction! that he would commence a civil

      suit! The Military Hero told him it would be too civil by

      half, and was in fact more than he expected;—reminded him

      of the ten pounds he had received as agency for promoting

      his amours;—informed him he had performed the character

      recommended by him most admirably. The old man was almost

      choked with rage; but perceiving he had spread a snare for

      himself, was compelled to hear and forbear, while the lover

      bolted, wishing him a good night, and singing, “Locks,

      bolts, and bars, I defy you,” as an admirable lesson in

      return for the blustering manner in which he had received

      information of the success of his own scheme.

      “Mr. C—— on the opposite side is a Money-procurer or lender, a very accommodating sort of person, who négociâtes meetings and engagements between young borrowers, who care not what they pay for money, and old lenders, who care not who suffers, so they can obtain enormous interest for their loans. He is a venerable looking man, and is known to most of the young Bloods who visit here. His father was a German Cook in a certain kitchen. He set up for a Gentleman at his father's death, and was taken particular notice of by Lord G——, and indeed by all the turf. He lived a gay and fashionable life, soon run out his fortune, and is now pensioned by a female whom he formerly supported. He is an excellent judge of a horse and horse-racing, upon which subjects his advice is frequently given. He is a very useful person among the generality of gentry who frequent this place of public resort. At the same time it ought to be observed, that among the various characters which infest and injure society, perhaps there are few more practised in guilt, fraud, and deceit, than the Money-lenders.

      “They advertise to procure large sums of money to assist those under pecuniary embarrassment. They generally reside in obscure situations, and are to be found by anonymous signatures, such as A. B. I. R. D. V. &c. They chiefly prey upon young men of property, who have lost their money at play, horse-racing, betting, &c. or other expensive amusements, and are obliged to raise more upon any terms until their rents or incomes become payable: or such as have fortunes in prospect, as being heirs apparent to estates, but who require assistance in the mean time.

      “These men avail themselves of the credit, or the ultimate responsibility of the giddy and thoughtless young spendthrift in his eager pursuit of criminal pleasures, and under the influence of those allurements, which the various places of fashionable resort hold out; and seldom fail to obtain from them securities and obligations for large sums; upon the credit of which they are enabled, perhaps at usurious interest, to borrow money or discount bills, and thus supply their unfortunate customers upon the most extravagant terms.

      “There are others, who having some capital, advance money upon bonds, title-deeds, and other specialties, or tipon the bond of the parties having property in reversion. By these and other devices, large sums of money are most unwarrantably and illegally wrested from the dissipated and the thoughtless; and misery and distress are perhaps entailed upon them as long as they live, or they are driven by the prospect of utter ruin to acts of desperation or the commission of crimes.

      “It generally happens upon application to the advertising party, that he, like Moses in The School for Scandal, is not really in possession of any money himself, but then he knows where and how to procure it from a very unconscionable dog, who may, perhaps, not be satisfied with the security ottered; yet, if you have Bills at any reasonable date, he could get them discounted. If you should suffer yourself to be trick'd out of any Bills, he will contrive, in some way or other, to negotiate them—not, as he professes, for you, but for himself and his colleagues; and, very likely, after you have been at the additional expense of commencing a suit at law against them, they have disappeared, and are in the King's Bench or the Fleet, waiting there to defraud you of every hope and expectation, by obtaining their liberty through the White-washing Act.

      “These gentry are for the most part Attorneys or Pettifoggers, or closely connected with such; and notwithstanding all legal provisions to preclude them from exacting large sums, either for their agency and introduction, or for the bonds which