Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II. Egan Pierce

Tom, “and deserving of observation, for it is fraught with instruction.”

      “I think so, indeed,” was the reply; “but I really begin to suspect that I shall scarcely have confidence to venture out alone, for there does not appear to be any part of your wonderful Metropolis but what is infested with some kind of shark or other.”

      “It is but too true, and it is therefore the more necessary to make yourself acquainted with them; it is rather a long lesson, but really deserving of being learnt. You

      1 The ready—Money.

      perceive what sort of company you are now in, as far as may be judged from their appearances; but they are not to be trusted, for I doubt not but you would form erroneous conclusions from such premises. The company that assembles here is generally composed of a great variety of characters—the Idler, the Swindler, the Dandy, the Exquisite, the full-pursed young Peer, the needy Sharper, the gaudy Pauper, and the aspiring School-boy, anxious to be thought a dealer and a judge of the article before him—looking at a horse with an air of importance and assumed intelligence, bidding with a trembling voice and palpitating heart, lest it should be knock'd down to him. Do you see that dashing fellow nearly opposite to us, in the green frock-coat, top-boots, and spurs?—do you mark how he nourishes his whip, and how familiar he seems to be with the knowing old covey in brown?”

      “Yes; I suppose he is a dealer.”

      “You are right, he is a dealer, but it is in man's flesh, not horse flesh: he is a Bum trap{1} in search of some friend

      1 Bum trap—A term pretty generally in use to denominate a

      Bailiff or his follower—they are also called Body-

      snatchers. The ways and means made use of by these gentry to

      make their captions are innumerable: they visit all places,

      assume all characters, and try all stratagems, to secure

      their friends, in order that they may have an opportunity of

      obliging them, which they have a happy facility in doing,

      provided the party can bleed free.* Among others, the following are curious facts: A Gentleman, who laboured under some peculiar difficulties, found it desirable for the sake of his health to retire into the country, where he secluded himself pretty closely from the vigilant anxieties of his friends, who were in search of him and had made several fruitless attempts to obtain an interview. The Traps having ascertained the place of his retreat, from which it appeared that nothing but stratagem could draw him, a knowing old snatch determined to effect his purpose, and succeeded in the following manner: One day as the Gentleman came to his window, he discovered a man, seemingly in great agitation, passing and re-passing; at length, however, he stopped suddenly, and with a great deal of attention fixed his eyes upon a tree which stood nearly opposite to the window. In a few minutes he returned to it, pulled out a book, in which he read for a few minutes, and then drew forth a rope from his pocket, with which he suspended himself from the tree. The Gentleman, eager to save the life of a fellow-creature, ran out and cut him down. This was scarcely accomplished, before he found the man whom he had rescued (as he thought) from death, slapp'd him on the shoulder, informed him that he was his prisoner, and in return robbed him of his liberty! Another of these gentry assumed the character of a poor cripple, and stationed himself as a beggar, sweeping the crossing near the habitation of his shy cock, who, conceiving himself safe after three days voluntary imprisonment, was seized by the supposed Beggar, who threw away his broom to secure his man. Yet, notwithstanding the many artifices to which this profession is obliged to conform itself, it must be acknowledged there are many of them who have hearts that would do honour to more exalted situations; especially when we reflect, that in general, whatever illiberality or invective may be cast upon them, they rarely if at all oppress those who are in their custody, and that they frequently endeavour to compromise for the Debtor, or at least recommend the Creditor to accept of those terms which can be complied with. * Bleed free—

      or other, with a writ in his pocket. These fellows have some protean qualities about them, and, as occasion requires, assume all shapes for the purpose of taking care of their customers; they are however a sort of necessary evil. The old one in brown is a well-known dealer, a deep old file, and knows every one around him—he is up to the sharps, down upon the flats, and not to be done. But in looking round you may perceive men booted and spurred, who perhaps never crossed a horse, and some with whips in their hands who deserve it on their backs—they hum lively airs, whistle and strut about with their quizzing-glasses in their hands, playing a tattoo upon their boots, and shewing themselves off with as many airs as if they were real actors engaged in the farce, that is to say, the buyers and sellers; when in truth they are nothing but loungers in search of employment, who may perhaps have to count the trees in the Park for a dinner without satisfying the cravings of nature, dining as it is termed with Duke Humphrey—others, perhaps, who have arrived in safety, are almost afraid to venture into the streets again, lest they should encounter those foes to liberty, John Doe and Richard Roe.”

      ?If I do, may I be——' The remainder of the sentence was lost, by the speaker removing in conversation with another, when Tom turn'd round.

      “O,” said Tom, “I thought I knew who it was—that is one of the greatest reprobates in conversation that I ever met with.”

      “And who is he?”

      “Why, I'll give you a brief sketch of him,” continued Dashall: “It is said, and I fancy pretty well known, that he has retired upon a small property, how acquired or accumulated I cannot say; but he has married a Bar-maid of very beautiful features and elegant form: having been brought up to the bar, she is not unaccustomed to confinement; but he has made her an absolute prisoner, for he shuts her up as closely as if she were in a monastery—he never dines at home, and she is left in complete solitude. He thinks his game all safe, but she has sometimes escaped the vigilance of her gaoler, and has been seen at places distant from home.{1}

      1 It is related of this gentleman, whose severity and

      vigilance were so harshly spoken of, that one day at table,

      a dashing young Military Officer, who, while he was

      circulating the bottle, was boasting among his dissipated

      friends of his dexterity in conducting the wars of Venus,

      that he had a short time back met one of the most lovely

      creatures he ever saw, in the King's Road; but he had

      learned that her husband so strictly confined and watched

      her, that there was no possibility of his being admitted to

      her at any hour.

      “Behave handsome, and I'll put you in possession of a gun

      that shall bring the game down in spite of locks, bolts and

      bars, or even the vigilance of the eyes of Argus himself.”

      “How? d——me if I don't stand a ten pound note.”

      “How! why easy enough; I've a plan that cannot but succeed—

      down with the cash, and I'll put you up to the scheme.”

      No sooner said than done, and he pocketed the ten pound

      note.

      “Now,” said the hoary old sinner, little suspecting that he

      was to be the dupe of his own artifice: “You get the husband

      invited out to dinner, have him well ply'd with wine by your

      friends: You assume the dress of a Postman—give a

      thundering rap at her door, which always denotes either the

      arrival of some important visitor or official communication;

      and when you can see her, flatter, lie, and swear that her

      company is necessary to your existence—that life is a

      burden without her—tell her, you know her husband