Skulduggery Pleasant: Books 1 - 12. Derek Landy

couldn’t have eaten himself, that’s impossible.”

      “Well, he didn’t eat all of himself, obviously. He left his mouth.”

      “Oh, my God, would you shut up, you’re being— car.”

      “I’m being car?”

      “No,” she whispered, letting her flame go out. “There’s a car coming.” Skulduggery extinguished his own flame and grabbed her hand. They sprinted for the steps, ducking back as headlights swept by, and then ran on. There was another set of stairs leading up, through the caved-in roof, to the top of the ruins. The steps were covered in moss and slippery, but these things didn’t seem to matter to Skulduggery.

      They emerged into the gloom of the evening, as the sun was finally melting into the horizon. They pressed themselves to what was left of the castle’s battlements, and peered over. The black jeep was parked directly beneath them. They watched a white van approach and stop. Seven people got out, wearing blood-splattered clothing. The Infected.

      Baron Vengeous and Dusk got out of the jeep. Vengeous still had the cutlass in his belt, but if he had found Lord Vile’s armour, he wasn’t wearing it.

      Dusk spoke with Vengeous, then issued orders to the Infected, and they took a long wooden crate from the white van. Everyone but Dusk followed Vengeous into the ruins.

      Valkyrie switched positions and peered down the crumbling steps into the castle. Vengeous approached the only wall that was still intact and she heard his voice, though she couldn’t make out the words. Dust started to rise from the wall and it began to shake. The topmost stone came loose and fell. Within moments the wall was tumbling down, the stones falling on each other and rolling into the shadows, and the small room behind it was revealed. Valkyrie was too high up to see into this room, but she knew what it contained. Vengeous sent the Infected in.

      She peered over the battlement at Dusk, who was leaning against the Jeep, keeping look-out, then she turned to Skulduggery. “Sanguine isn’t here,” she whispered.

      “Not yet, no.”

      “Please tell me it’s time to call for back-up.”

      “It’s time to call for back-up.”

      “Oh, good.”

      She dug her phone out of her pocket, dialled and waited. When the Sanctuary’s Administrator answered the phone, Valkyrie passed the information on in hushed tones. She hung up and nodded to Skulduggery, and held up both her hands with her fingers extended. Ten minutes until the Cleavers arrived.

      The Infected re-emerged, carrying a figure between them. It looked like a mummy, all wrapped in dirty bandages, but it was huge, and judging by the difficulty with which the Infected were moving, it was heavy. They carried it towards the open crate. One of the Infected lost his grip and the body of the Grotesquery nearly fell. Vengeous flew into a rage, threw the offending Infected to the ground and glared, his eyes glowing yellow for a moment. The Infected tried getting up, but something was clearly wrong. His body started trembling, shaking uncontrollably. Even from here, Valkyrie could see the panic in his face.

      And then he exploded in a mist of blood and fleshy chunks.

      “Oh, my God,” Valkyrie whispered.

      “Stay here,” Skulduggery said and started moving.

      She frowned. “Where are you going?”

      “I have to delay them until the Cleavers arrive. We can’t afford to lose track of them – not now.”

      “Well, I’m going with you.”

      “No, you’re not. You’re important to Vengeous and we don’t know why – until we do, you’re staying out of sight.”

      “Then I’ll stay up here and, I don’t know, throw stones, and when you’re finished I’ll go down and help out.”

      He looked at her. “In order to finish, I’ll have to have defeated six Infected, Dusk and Vengeous himself.”

      “Yeah. So?”

      “The Infected I can manage.”

      She frowned. “And Vengeous? I mean, you can beat him, right?”

      “Well,” Skulduggery said, “I can certainly try. And trying is half the battle.”

      “What’s the other half?”

      He shrugged. “Hitting him more times than he hits me.” He moved to the battlement. “If things go wrong, I’ll lead them away. Once it’s clear, get back to the car. If you don’t see me in five minutes, then I’ve probably died a very brave and heroic death. Oh, and don’t touch the radio – I’ve just got it tuned right where I want it and I don’t want you messing that up.”

      And then Skulduggery placed his hand on the top of the battlement, vaulted over it and disappeared.

      

      alkyrie edged up to the battlement, peeking down as Skulduggery landed gently. Dusk turned his head like he had heard something, but then looked the other way. Skulduggery crept up behind him, wrapped an arm around his throat and hauled him back. Dusk struggled, tried to release the grip, but Skulduggery was cutting off the oxygen to his brain and Valkyrie knew it would be over in moments. Once Dusk had gone limp, Skulduggery laid him on the ground. The entire thing had been done in complete silence.

      Skulduggery crept to the castle entrance and Valkyrie moved to the very edge of the collapsed roof, lying flat and peering over. The Infected had managed to place the mummified figure into the crate without dropping it again. Valkyrie saw their eyes narrow when Skulduggery walked up. Vengeous still had his back to him.

      “Hello, Baron,” Skulduggery said. She saw Vengeous stiffen slightly, then turn.

      “Of course,” Vengeous said. “Who do they send to try and take me down? Not even a man. Not even a monster. They send you.”

      Skulduggery gave a little shrug. “How’ve you been, Baron?”

      “You taint me,” Vengeous said, disgust in his voice. “Even being in your presence, it taints me. I can feel it in the air. Even these Infected, these half-Undead, even they are more worthy of my time than you would ever be.”

      Skulduggery nodded. “So, you married or anything? Do I hear the pitter patter of tiny evil feet?”

      “I will destroy you.”

      “You’re still upset about that time I made you explode, aren’t you? I can tell.”

      “You never stop talking, do you?”

      “I don’t have to talk,” Skulduggery said. “I can be quiet.” A moment passed. “So, who’ve you got in the crate? Is it the shrivelled, lifeless, patchwork corpse of the Grotesquery? Am I right? Because if it is, I’m afraid I can’t let you take it. I could, you know, give you its big toe or something, as a keepsake, but that’s about it.”

      “What you are saying, skeleton, is blasphemous.”

      “You’re the one who dug up your own god.”

      Vengeous started forward, taking his cutlass from its sheath. “I wish I didn’t have to kill you now. I wish I could see the fury it would wreak upon you for this blasphemy.”

      “You do realise I’ve got no skin to cut, right?”

      Vengeous smiled again as he approached. “This sword is woven razor, the same process they use to make the Cleavers’ scythes. It will shear through