Raising Able. Susan Tordella

discussion or journaling: How did your family of origin handle household chores? What did that develop in you? What are your objections and suspicions of the proposed positive parenting plan?

      Key points from The Benefits of Chores

      •Doing a few regular chores each week teaches children life-long habits and negates entitlement.

      •Hold a family meeting so children may volunteer to pitch in around the house.

      •Expect and you shall receive. Set up a structure for your children to contribute and expect that they will.

      •If they don’t do what they said they’d do, follow through in a firm and friendly manner.

      •Practice developing personal authority by taking action and using fewer words.

      •Children enjoy the rewards of being in a family, so expect them to participate in the work of being a family.

      •Your children might be secretly yearning to contribute to the family so they feel like you depend upon them and they belong to the family.

      3. Can I help, Mommy?

      Genuine happiness is not dependent upon the attention of others

      but arises from within oneself as a result of self-sufficiency.

      Rudolf Dreikurs

      The first chore my toddlers did was to push wet clothes into the dryer after I took them out of the washing machine.

      I encouraged them: “Nice job,” “Thanks,” “Here are some more clothes.”

      Next, I invited them to join in sorting the mountain of tiny warm socks, and gave more encouragement: “Look at the pile you made.” “You’re a big help.” They found a way to belong to the family and be close to me.

      The first job they took responsibility for at about age three or four was to empty the wastebaskets in everyone’s bedroom weekly.

      In these simple acts, I affirmed, included, witnessed, accepted and loved them. It set up a positive dynamic and created an expectation they will contribute to our family, and feel good about it.

      Including them in doing laundry took extra time and attention. I could have done it myself, faster and better, in a rush to “get it done.” I would have missed an opportunity for them to learn to contribute to the common good.

      The basics to establishing a family work environment are the following.

      •Start now, no matter the age of your children.

      •Appreciate and encourage them.

      •The younger the child, the simpler the task, and the more the parent is involved.

      •Use family meetings to get the children’s buy-in. They are more likely to do chores of their choosing. See Chapter 6, Family Meetings, a Voice and a Choice.

      •Make it fun, if possible. If it’s fun, it will get done.

      •Tweens and teens require finesse and flexibility when following through to make sure they do what they promised.

      •Most of the chores must be for the common good. Make sure the child is doing more than clearing their own dish or picking up their own toys.

      How to teach a child a new skill

      You do a task. They watch.

      They do it with you.

      You do it with them.

      They do it independently.

      Take time for training

      When we painted rooms in our house, the children were eager to help, young and unskilled.

      First, they watched me paint.

      Second, they did it with me. I capitalized on their desire to be with me when they were younger than 11. It was an investment. I involved them in sponge painting walls, and painting simple objects such as a radiator, shelf or shutters, with plenty of drop cloths.

      Third, I helped them to tackle paint jobs. When Casey was 11, her bedroom needed painting. I asked, “What color do you want to paint it? What day shall we start? What do you need from me?” I became Casey’s assistant.

      Fourth, when the boys were in high school, I said, “Please paint the dining room during spring vacation while I’m at work.” They did. It wasn’t a perfect job, I could have done it better, and it was good enough.

      Here’s another example for a younger child of how I took time for training to teach Kristen, 6, how to set the table:

      1.Kristen watched me set the table.

      2.Kristen helped me set the table. “You set the spoons and cups while I do the rest.”

      3.I helped Kristen set the table. “Kristen, time to set the table. What do you need me to do?” “Mom, would you get down the plates from the cupboard?”

      4.Finally, Kristen set the table independently, usually with a reminder. When your child takes initiative, encourage her.

      This “time for training” can be repeated for chores for any age child. Older children can teach their siblings new skills by using the same model.

      If it’s fun, it will get done

      Do not underestimate the value of making the job enjoyable through teamwork, encouragement and appreciation, and just plain old fun, like dancing around in socks to clean the floors and combining vinegar and baking soda in the toilet.

      A 12-year-old girl wrote in my survey, “I do it because I have to and some chores are fun.”

      One Saturday when our children were 6 to 13 years old, Bob and I were painting the hallways and steps of our Cape Cod style house. The job intruded in the heart of the house because it included the two main hallways and the staircase. It was like a broken computer: life was blocked until we finished painting and cleaned up.

      I painted the base coat the day before when the children were at school. We planned to sponge paint the walls and had enough sponges for everyone, including some of the children’s friends who were visiting and clad in our old T-shirts.

      Many hands do make fast work. Within an hour we had a colorful interesting sponge pattern on the many walls. It was not perfect or to standards Bob and I could have achieved if we had spent all morning doing it while the children enjoyed sugared screen time. It looked remarkably good.

      At the end, the children were disappointed. “Can we do more?” they said.

      Children and teens consider it fun to demonstrate expertise parents don’t have. Youngsters can often out-perform adults in some areas. My children’s homemade cookies were always better than mine because they followed the recipe and added 100 percent of the sugar and butter.

      I offered encouragement: “These cookies are delicious. Your cookies are always better than mine,” and ate several. Watching homemade food disappear quickly is powerful encouragement.

      Like many Millennials, my teens were techno-savvy. Where would we be without our children to operate the remote controls, describe the latest online-gadgets and repair our computers?