God's Guide for Grandparents. Susan M. Erschen

restroom. Sterilizing bottles is out. Swaddling babies is in. Regardless of the new rules, God calls us to honor and obey the parents in all things. No one knows the child better than they. In this way, we can help our grandchildren learn to obey their parents, their heavenly Father, and other authority figures in their lives.

      The Will of the Father

      God gave Moses the Ten Commandments. The first three cover our relationship with God. The next seven cover our relationship with others. The first of the human-relations commandments is, “Honor your father and your mother, that you may have a long life in the land the LORD your God is giving you” (Ex 20:12). Teaching our grandchildren this commandment is the perfect way to start passing our faith onto them. However, it will not be enough to just tell them, “Do what your mommy and daddy tell you.” We, too, must do what their mommy and daddy wish. Giving our grandchildren the idea it is okay to disobey is not okay at all.

      Obedience is a virtue we usually think applies only to children and vowed religious. However, the Church says this commandment calls all of us to respect and obey all those in authority. We must be faithful Christians, law-abiding citizens, and good employees. If we do this, we generally have the Fourth Commandment covered. Except, now, there is a new sheriff in town. Our children — the parents of our grandchildren — are in authority over our grandchildren. That means they are in authority over us and our relationship with our grandchildren. We must honor and respect them. We cannot respond to their wishes with an “I’d really like to help you out, but …” attitude.

      In his Letter to the Romans, Saint Paul tells us why obedience is necessary: “Let every person be subordinate to the higher authorities, for there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been established by God. Therefore, whoever resists authority opposes what God has appointed, and those who oppose it will bring judgment upon themselves” (13:1–2). The authority God has established over our grandchildren is their parents. It is not us! According to Paul, if we decide to oppose that authority, we are opposing God.

      Young parents make their rules based on new research and information. This is good. This is progress. It has been that way since the beginning of time. At the end of the creation story we are told, “A man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body” (Gn 2:24). Jesus reinforced this teaching,: “Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So, they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate” (Mt 19:4–6). We must not separate young parents by questioning the decisions they have made about parenting their children. We can give advice if — and only if — we are asked.

      Pope Francis stresses the control God has entrusted to parents by teaching, “God allows parents to choose the name by which he himself will call their child for all eternity” (The Joy of Love, 166). If God, as the Creator, so completely respects the wishes of a parent, then surely we, as the grandparents, must do the same.

      Obedience in the Gospels

      The life of Jesus is a model of obedience for us. Mary was obedient to the wishes of God by agreeing to be the mother of his Son. As far as we know, her parents, Saint Anne and Saint Joachim, were not consulted in the matter. God did not send an angel to see if Anne and Joachim approved of Mary’s “yes.” Because of a decision entirely out of their control, Saints Joachim and Anne became the grandparents of Jesus and the patron saints of grandparents for all ages. Their feast day is July 26.

      Jesus, too, lived the virtue of obedience. After Jesus was lost in the Temple, “He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them; and his mother kept all these things in her heart” (Lk 2:51). If Christ, the Lord, can be obedient to his human parents, surely we can honor the wishes of our grandchildren’s parents.

      Obedience is a virtue we see throughout the Gospels. At the wedding at Cana we see Jesus honor his mother’s wish that he intervene. More importantly, we hear the Blessed Mother tell us to obey. Mary speaks very rarely in Scripture. But her few words to the servers at the Cana feast are words for all of us: “Do whatever he tells you” (Jn 2:5). These words are the preface to every teaching and every command Jesus will utter in his public life. They are spoken to us, who are servants to God, as much as they were spoken to the servants at the wedding feast.

      In her “Prayer for Acquiring Humility,” Saint Thérèse of Lisieux reflected on the many ways Jesus was obedient in his life and even today. Not only was he obedient to his parents, but he was obedient to those who tried, tortured, and killed him. And today he is obedient to every priest who utters the words of consecration at the altar. Saint Thérèse wrote: “At their word, you come down from heaven. Whether they advance or delay the hour of the Holy Sacrifice, you are always ready.”

      His agony in the garden shows us that Jesus himself struggled with all it meant to obey the Father completely. Yet, he trusted in God and followed his will. If we are agonizing over decisions our grandchildren’s parents might be making, we can kneel with Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and pray with all our hearts for God to change the situation. But we must not interfere.

      The Power of the Spirit

      Keeping infants away from computer screens is certainly not an agonizing rule to follow. However, it can be heartbreaking when the parents refuse to bring their children to the sacraments or to talk to them about God. As difficult as it can be, these are still wishes we must respect. Sadly, many grandparents destroy their relationships with children and grandchildren over such issues. Some have even tried to have their grandchildren secretly baptized. When we do this we are undermining the authority of our grandchildren’s parents and showing our total lack of trust in the grace of God and the workings of the Holy Spirit.

      God gives children the graces they will need. Remember, he loves them even more than we do! Sacraments are powerful and wonderful signs of God working in our lives. Seeing a grandchild baptized or receiving holy Communion for the first time can bring a grandparent to tears of joy. However, God will still be in the life of a child who does not receive the sacraments. He will give them the grace they need. Remember, he loves them. The God who knocked Saul to the ground and converted him from killing Christians to being one of the greatest Christian leaders can surely touch the hearts and souls of our grandchildren. The sacraments of the Church are beautiful gifts through which God works in our lives. But God does not need them. We are the ones who need them.

      Pope Francis warns us, “To raise doubts about the working of the Spirit, to give the impression that it cannot take place in those who are not ‘part of our group,’ who are not ‘like us,’ is a dangerous temptation” (Apostolic Journey to Philadelphia, September 27, 2015). To stress his point the pontiff quoted Jesus: “If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the Father in heaven give the holy Spirit to those who ask him?” (Lk 11:13).

      So, let us pray to God to bless our grandchildren with the graces of the Holy Spirit. Let us pray to the Holy Spirit to guide young parents and lead them and their children to the graces he longs to give them through the sacraments of the Church. Let us ask Our Lord to help us respect and honor the parents of our grandchildren, so we can humbly accompany them on their sacred journey to raise our grandchildren.

       For Reflection

      1. What parenting decisions and techniques used by my grandchildren’s parents most impress me? Do I let these young parents know of my support for the good work they are doing in raising their children?

      2. What can I do to help my grandchildren see that I respect and honor their parents?

      3. Do I fully respect the right of my sons and daughters — both those by birth and by marriage — to make the rules and raise their children as they think best? If not, why not?

      4. Do I believe God loves my grandchildren even better than I do? Do I trust he can overcome any obstacle in bringing these children into relationship with him?

       A Grandparent’s Prayer

      Heavenly