God's Guide for Grandparents. Susan M. Erschen

decide whether it has value and strength for them and the future they face.

      The virtues we are called to share with our grandchildren are not necessarily prized by our secular world. The world will teach our grandchildren about assertiveness, power, attractiveness, and prestige. We can teach them God’s lessons. These are the virtues taught to us by the Father in the Old Testament, the Son in the Gospels, and the Holy Spirit through the writings of the apostles and other saints.

      As a young seminarian, Pope John XXIII wrote in his journal, “I am good at thinking up virtues, not at practicing them” (Journal of a Soul). That can certainly be said of me. It can probably be said of all of us. As grandparents, we have one more chance to practice what we preach. We can show a new generation how to live with virtue. As we have throughout our lives, we will surely fail at times. But let us admit it promptly when we do and never stop trying.

      We are never too old to deepen and enrich our own faith life. We are never too old to study sacred Scripture in a new way, to read the wise writings of saints and popes, to embrace a deeper expression of our faith or to practice living the Gospel more fully. There is always another step for us to take on our faith journey. Like the smallest mustard seed, even a little effort to enliven our faith now can make a huge difference in the faith of our grandchildren. We need to improve and expand our own spirituality so it will be a strong-enough witness for our grandchildren, who will face secular, materialistic, and social challenges to their faith much stronger than anything we have faced. Every grandparent wants to give his or her grandchild the best they can give. The best we have to offer is not some material possession or some wild adventure. The best we have to give is our relationship with God and how we live trusting in him.

      We cannot guarantee a safe and bountiful future for our grandchildren. Yet, we can do much to help them be spiritually prepared to face whatever blessings or challenges their lives may bring.

      Our children may curiously observe us doing things for our grandchildren that we never did for them. Wouldn’t it be great if one of the things we could do for our grandchildren was live our faith better than we have ever done before? Let us try our best. We owe it to our grandchildren.

      Chapter 1

       Obedience

      It is 3:00 a.m. My grandchildren are spending the night at our house. My one-year-old grandson is sleeping peacefully in his crib. My three-year-old granddaughter is standing by the side of my bed, telling me she is still afraid to go to sleep. She has been awake for two hours now. I have tried everything. I have taken her back to her bed, assuring her we have no monsters in our house. I have lain on the floor by her bed, hoping she would not be afraid if I was there. I have let her climb into my bed, but she thought it was a grand time for whispered talk. We have played soft music, turned on an extra light, read three books by flashlight, and had more drinks of water than I could count. I even turned on a movie, hoping she would fall asleep to that. But now the movie is over and she is still awake and wanting to go downstairs and play with toys.

      I explain to her — for the hundredth time — it is still nighttime and not playtime. I am reduced to begging. I plead with her to just go back to bed, close her eyes, and sleep.

      “Grandma,” she replies with all sincerity, “I would really like to help you out, but I just don’t like sleeping.”

      The Wisdom of our Children

      “I would really like to help you out, but …” I have heard my son use those same words in response to my granddaughter’s whining for something he had told her she could not have. He and his wife both have a gentle but consistent way of letting the kids know they cannot always have what they want. I am extremely proud of the way they are raising their children. Yet, intentionally or unintentionally, we grandparents can sometimes get in the way of the parenting work our children are doing. We may fail to honor their wishes and obey their rules. This can be harmful to our grandchildren.

      Because I attended a Jesuit university, I was required to take nine credit hours of theology. I took World Religions, Scriptures, and Theology of Marriage. Those courses had a big impact on my life. I remember the Theology of Marriage professor saying the best thing parents can do for their children is to love their spouse. Every child needs to feel his or her parents are good, wise, and lovable. If children see their parents as bad or wrong, they often tend to think something is wrong with them, too. They know they are closely connected to their parents. So, when we criticize, undermine, or contradict our grandchildren’s parents, we take a little piece away from our grandchildren’s sense of worth. This is not good. Grandparents should interfere in the raising of a grandchild only in the most extreme cases in which the welfare of the child is at risk.

      Pope Francis emphasizes the importance of letting parents be right when he says: “It is irresponsible to disparage the other parent as a means of winning a child’s affection or out of revenge or self-justification. Doing so will affect the child’s interior tranquility and cause wounds hard to heal” (The Joy of Love, 245). If this is the pope’s advice for parents, it certainly would apply to grandparents, too. For the sake of the children, we must honor their parents in every way possible.

      This may not always be easy. Our children’s marriages are not without challenges. The people they marry might bring with them different family traditions, expectations, worldviews, and beliefs. We must accept whatever the situation might be.

      Young parents today work hard to do the best for their children. In this era of information overload, they sort through endless dos and don’ts. Their pediatricians give them lots of rules. Their friends give them advice. If they check the Internet, they quickly are overwhelmed with information “every parent should know.” Long gone are the days when you just referred to the index in Dr. Spock’s baby book or called your mom. Once our children sort through all this information, we must respect the rules they set down. Every young family has the right to set its own rules, just as we once set the rules for our own families. Although the new parents make the rules, they still want our support. A December 2015 Pew study found 72 percent of young parents hope their parents approve of the way they raise their children. Let us give them that approval and support.

      A good example comes from a grandmother who spent an afternoon entertaining her infant granddaughter with soothing baby videos she found on YouTube. When the parents came home she was proud to tell them of this great discovery. The young parents were not thrilled. They gently told Grandma they did not want their baby exposed to electronic media until she was at least a year old. Grandma did as all good grandparents should do. She immediately apologized and promised to respect their wishes in the future.

      Modern technology presents many new issues for parents and grandparents to discuss. Can grandparents post pictures of grandchildren or announce family events on their Facebook page? What kind of television shows, movies, and video games do the parents find acceptable? Should grandparents send out a photo Christmas card of their grandchildren? When is it okay for Grandma or Grandpa to text, phone, FaceTime, or Skype a grandchild? These and similar questions should be discussed — always mindful and respectful of the fact that the parents should make the rules, not the grandparents.

      Sometimes the rules young parents set down may not make sense to us. We are still called to respect them. Think of the ten lepers who were cured by Jesus (see Lk 17:11–19). The lepers asked to be cured. Jesus replied, “Go show yourselves to the priests” (v. 14). This command surely made no sense to the lepers. They could have argued. But instead they did as they were asked. Scripture tells us, “As they were going they were cleansed.” It was only when they obeyed Our Lord’s instructions that they were cured. If they would have stood around arguing with Jesus, they may never have been cured. Let us not argue when we are asked to do something (or refrain from doing something), even if it does not make sense to us. In fact, even if we strongly disagree.

      Best practices in child-care have changed so much in the last generation that some hospitals now offer classes for new grandparents. If I would have taken one of those classes, maybe I would not have been shocked when