13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. Amy Morin

away her power. A woman who was once teased because she was so poor she wore potato sacks as dresses was named one of the world’s most powerful women by both CNN and Time. Statistically, her upbringing would have predicted a poor prognosis. But Oprah refused to be a statistic. She chose to define who she was going to be in life by not giving away her power.

      When you decide that no one else has the power to control how you feel, you’ll experience empowerment. Here are some other ways how retaining your power will help you become mentally strong:

      • You’ll develop a better sense of who you are when you’re able to make choices based on what’s best for you instead of what will prevent the most repercussions.

      • When you take responsibility for your own behavior, you’ll become accountable for your progress toward your goals.

      • You will never be pressured into doing something that you don’t want to do based on guilt trips or what you think other people want you to do.

      • You’ll be able to devote your time and energy to things you choose. You won’t have to blame other people for wasting your time or ruining your day.

      • Retaining your personal power reduces your risk of depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. Many mental health problems are linked to a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. When you decide not to give other people and external circumstances the power to control how you feel and behave, you gain more power over your mental health.

      When you hold a grudge, those feelings of anger and resentment do nothing to lessen the other person’s life. Instead, harboring anger and resentment gives that person more power to interfere with your quality of life. Choosing to forgive allows you to take back your power, not just over your psychological health, but also over your physical health. Research shows some of the health benefits of forgiveness include the following:

      • Forgiveness reduces your stress. Over the years, many studies have shown that holding a grudge keeps your body in a state of stress. When you practice forgiveness, your blood pressure and heart rate decrease.

      • Choosing to forgive increases your tolerance to pain. In a 2005 study of patients with chronic low back pain, anger increased psychological distress and decreased a person’s tolerance to pain. A willingness to forgive was associated with increased pain tolerance.

      • Unconditional forgiveness can help you to live longer. A 2012 study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine discovered that when people were only willing to forgive others under certain conditions—like the other person apologized or promised to never repeat the same behavior—their risk of dying early actually increased. You don’t have any control over whether someone will apologize. Waiting to forgive people until they say they’re sorry gives them control over not just your life, but perhaps even your death.

      Troubleshooting and Common Traps

      Monitor your personal power and look for ways in which you are voluntarily giving it away. It takes hard work, but increasing your mental strength requires you to retain every ounce of personal power for yourself.

      What’s Helpful

      Using language that acknowledges your choice such as, “I’m choosing to . . .”

      Setting healthy emotional and physical boundaries with people

      Behaving proactively by making conscious choices about how you’ll respond to others

      Taking full responsibility for how you choose to spend your time and energy

      Choosing to forgive individuals regardless of whether they seek to make amends

      Willingness to examine feedback and criticism without jumping to conclusions

      What’s Not Helpful

      Using language that implies you’re a victim, such as “I have to do this,” or “My boss makes me so mad”

      Feeling anger and resentment toward people you allow to infringe on your rights

      Reacting to others and then blaming them for the way you handled yourself

      Doing things you don’t want to do and then blaming others for “making” you do it

      Choosing to hold a grudge and harbor anger and resentment

      Allowing feedback and criticism to control how you feel about yourself

Chapter 3

       They Don’t Shy away from Change

      It’s not that some people have willpower and some don’t . . . It’s that some people are ready to change and others are not. —JAMES GORDON

       Richard entered my therapy office because he wasn’t making much progress in managing his physical health. At the age of forty-four, he was seventy-five pounds overweight and had recently been diagnosed with diabetes.

       Shortly after his diagnosis, he’d met with a nutritionist and learned about the diet changes he’d need to make to lose weight and manage his blood sugar. Initially, he tried eliminating all the junk food he had always eaten so regularly. He’d gone so far as to throw away all the ice cream, cookies, and sugary soft drinks he had in his home. But within two days, he found himself buying more sweets and resorting to his old habits.

       He was also aware that he’d need to increase his activity level if he wanted to get healthier. After all, he was no stranger to exercise. Back in high school, he’d been a star athlete on the football field and the basketball court. But these days, he spent the majority of his time sitting behind a computer. He worked long hours and wasn’t sure how he’d find the time to exercise. He’d purchased a gym membership, but he’d only gone to the gym twice. He usually came home from work exhausted, and he already felt like he wasn’t spending enough time with his wife and children.

       Richard told me that he really wanted to get healthier. But he felt frustrated. Despite understanding the risks of being overweight and the dangers of not managing his diabetes, he just couldn’t motivate himself to change his unhealthy habits.

       It was clear that he was trying to change too much too fast, which is a recipe for failure. I recommended he choose one thing to change at a time and for the first week, he said he’d give up the cookies he usually ate at his desk during the afternoon. It was important to find something to replace that habit with—and he decided he would try snacking on carrot sticks instead.

       I also recommended he gain support to help him become healthier. He agreed to attend a diabetes support group. And over the next few weeks we discussed strategies to help get his family involved. His wife attended a few therapy sessions with him, and she began to understand steps she could take to help Richard improve his health. She agreed not to buy as much junk food when she went grocery shopping, and she began working with Richard on finding healthier recipes for their meals.

       We also discussed a realistic exercise schedule. Richard said that almost every day he left the house planning to go to the gym after work, but he always talked himself out of it and went straight home. We decided he’d start by going to the gym three days a week and he scheduled those three days ahead of time. He also kept a list of all the reasons why going to the gym was a good idea in the car. On the days when he began thinking that he should just go home instead of going to the gym, he read over his list as a reminder about why going to the gym was the best choice, even if he didn’t feel like it.

       Over the next two months, Richard began losing weight. But his blood sugar was still fairly high. He admitted that he was